I'm working in a CENTER!

As of the moment, I work in a center. Nope, not in a call center but just a center. Where we come here at around 8:30 pm just in time to turn on my computer, open my links, login to my IP phone and for almost 4 hours now, I'm still not receiving a single call. We are paid to surf the net, check our mails, check our friendster, myspace and multiply accounts. We are also paid to have a birthday bash and eat ice cream in the pantry. We are paid to listen to as many mp3s as we want and sometimes is paid to download depending on who you're talking about. What a job, right?

WHY AREN'T WE RECEIVING CALLS?

ANSWER: Earthquake in Taiwan

It was such an unfortunate event that happened because eventhough there were only 2 casualties but call center business here in the Philippines will be gravely affected by the tragedy. My only fear is that due to this we won't be coming in to work; which means we won't have salary. What a crappy thought...

Its almost the end of the year. Have I done enough this year? Am I the same person? or did I change like the tides?

I'll try to answer that in a couple of days...too early for answers, but not too early to be planning for the next year. I have got to start saving...That'll be the priority...The rest follows...

the world is too small for me...

I had nothing to do since finally America decided to celebrate their Christmas and stopped calling for tech support. So once again I browsed through the world wide web and to narrow it down, I browsed through the wide selection of Friendsters.

While I was reading through the testimonials of his relatives, I found out that I have seen his cousins near our place. I think we belong to the same barangay, go to the same Church and well actually bumped into each other several times before. I remember smiling at them thinking that they seem to look so damn familiar. Then I found out that my second degree cousin JP are classmates with his cousin. And weeks before I found out that the cute gay guy who smiled at me during "peace be with you" while I was attending mass with my mom is also his cousin. You see how interconnected I am to his world? How can I try to let go of the notion that we fit in the same world? I know you would tell me again not to think about it but the world is getting smaller and it becomes more complicated on my part.

There is something terribly wrong with the picture now. His sister would text me out of the blue. I'm pretty sure that she has lots of friends to communicate with but then she still remembers to send me a "hello" every now and then. I'm making this such a big deal. But she basically doesn't know anything about me. We just talked in person during his graduation. We do text but still not enough for her to consider me as a friend. Well, don't get me wrong because I am grateful for the bond that I have formed with his sister. Its just seems weird sometimes.

You know when I miss him so much?

--when I hear the songs he likes...
--when I look at the sky and see the stars and remember the saying that we are under the same sky looking at the same moon...
--when I see cool pictures at deviant wanting to share it with him knowing that he loves photography as much as I do...
--when I eat pizza especially if I'm alone thinking how he would have enjoyed the treat...

This is getting way tambien(as per my Canadian chatmate Elmo) -- (too) complicated and weird for me...Can I handle this without going crazy?

anyway...



I enjoyed eating the jelly beans my TL is sharing...Its really yummy and I'm going to add it to my list of favorite foods...yum!

Merry Christmas Darling

I spent my inevitable lonely Year 2006 Christmas at the CallTek office, taking a call and talking to some lady who had trouble connecting to the wireless internet. I thought I won't be getting a call but then boom, 2 minutes before 12 which was supposedly my meal break, my phone rang and the rest is history. The people around me were greeting each other, there are already fireworks outside and my groupies are having picture taking and I was taking a call... Well at that very moment, I felt like crying. It seems like I'm not part of the festivity. Its supposed to be a happy occassion but then I was there, and look at myself and felt sorry for me. I know sound so lame but Christmas for me is one of the most important family gathering. And for the first time, I wasn't there to distribute the gifts, I wasn't there to organize the games, I wasn't there to watch a movie with my cousins and talk till morning light comes. Times change, and time changed me. I know I will be able to cope with this and then I realized the moment passed by.

And I realized that if we dread something so much or we look forward to it, that moment will not be still, time will not freeze and we do move on.

Merry Christmas darling
tried to give you a ring
actually it was two
but I never got to you
Once again I gave my heart away
to a person who seems to have no interest
and I'm left hanging by a thread
holding my expectations abridge
when will I ever learn
when will I ever stop giving away
what is left of my heart on Christmas?

i miss those times...

I went out with my girlfriends Louise and Cathy yesterday... I realized I missed hanging out with them, talking about so many things. If we're together, we can't stop talking. Especially that Cathy, who's now working as a flight attendant for Qatar Airways has been traveling a lot so she(the most talkative of us 3) has a lot of stories to tell.

Our whole afternoon was spent eating and talking. At first Louise and I had lunch at Bigby's. I told her I'll just get a sandwich coz we're absolutely sure that when Cathy arrives, we'll be on our way to Starbucks. When we got our orders got 2 huge slices of twin cheese panini sandwich. O my gosh! And although I don't eat sandwiches in restaurants that much, but that was really yummy. I only ate one slice and then had the other one packed for take out. Cathy arrived shortly and thus begun her tale of both the good and the not so frightening experiences she had on her job. When she speaks she's really animated. hehehe ... I mean she uses her hands and you can really see her expression change as she tells the story. We continued our ramblings at Starbucks. Ian - Louise's boyfriend arrived shortly after we arrived and thus they started the teasing... Lousie's sister, Leah aslo hanged out with us. Here are some pictures...

from left: with Leah, Cathy and Louise @ Starbucks


from left: with Engr. Wilfrid Ian Tan, Cathy and Louise

Cathy's flying back to Doha on the 21st. Like me, she's not spending her Christmas with the family but working probably on plane to India. While I would be spending mine at the office, in my cube taking a call...*sigh*

Well I'll be missing Cathy till she comes home hopefully March of next year in time for Ian and Karl's birthday and our long planned and most awaited trip to Camiguin.

Then we had dinner at Chikaan, a Filipino restaurant near my office. These are the good times, talking and laughing with old friends. Alain(Cathy's boyfriend) and Karl joined us for dinner. I can't believe college years are over but I still get to keep my closest college friends. These people have become my family for the remaining years I struggle through college.

Here's a picture of the guys: from left, Alain, Karl and Ian.


And the girls: from left, me, Cathy and Louise.

Even if I didn't get enough sleep and was 15 minutes late for work at least I get to spend time with my friends and catch up on things. I miss them very much. I'm looking forward to our Christmas dinner and night out. Unfortunately Cathy won't be there. =( =)

Till next time...

My day gets weirder everyday...

I heard mass today and I liked the priest's homily. He was telling this story about a class having an exam in Math. He said most people disliked math. (well I've always liked math even if I almost failed in Differential Calculus!) The teacher told the students that they only have 30 minutes to answer the exam...Such a bummer, 30 minutes won't be enough. But then there was this one student who answered the exam in only 5 minutes. So the teacher asked him "how did you finish the exam in only 5 minutes?" The students said "I turned my head to the right and I saw a man. And so I solved the man and I was able to solve the world!"


At first I thought that the man the student was referring to is Jesus but then when the priest explained, the man is supposed to be ME. He said that we should try to solve ourselves first before trying to conquer the rest of the world. Point taken... But then he also said that in trying to figure out who we are, we lose ourselves in the process. And that's such a sad thought. But that's the reason why we need to PRAY. To be guided and enlightened in the journey of searching for who we really are. It is only by faith that we survive the perils of finding our true identity.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he1 told me:
i never knew, i never knew that everything was falling thru...

so I asked:
what is it exactly that he2 told you about me?

he1 told me:
secret...i won't tell on him...

so I let the topic go...

when I got home, ready to sleep, he2 called...

he2 said:
let's have breakfast at tiffany's...

then I said:
thanks for the invite. but i already ate mine...sorry...

he2 said:
no biggie...

but he2 didn't say there was always a next time...that was it...

Then I ask myself: Is it always this complicated? Like do we always have to play cat and mouse in pursuing a person?

You would ask: Do you like him?

I would probably answer: I don't know, not yet...I could like him...

So I say there is always room for a possibility but the possibility flew even before it begun...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let Loose...

We had our company party last night and unfortunately for me, days before, I learned from my brother that our digi cam is not working. I didn't get the chance to had it fixed since I'm caught up with work and doing a panic shopping for our costume and my gift for our chris cringle for the company and manito manita for out batch. So I missed the night's fun of taking pictures and letting lose of the aspiring photographer in me... But then again here are some photos taken by my officemate JP!

These are some of the GS(GlobalSuite) Señoritas. We won 2nd place for the CallTek signature dance contest. For me, it was one of the greatest performance I did. Or maybe I just missed dancing that much that's why after the dance, I felt wonderful!

See how chubby I am?hehehe...Can't help it, I love to eat. Anyways, I tried to improvise a cowgirl look. I just bought the belt for P150 and the boots(not visible in this picture) for also P150. Didn't want to spend more than P500 bucks on shoes I won't be using anymore. I love the hat though, courtesy of my cousin Toby. He loved dressing up like a cowboy.

This is take during the disco part. I dance till I dropped. My feet are killing me. Doesn't look like I'm hurting right? If there's a camera, I'd really smile! With Sue, one of the GS night shift chicks.

You see? There are a lot of pretty girls in CallTek. From left: Cheska aka Tadz, Lerah, Me, Sue aka Toto, Drew aka Kai and Aries. The one at the back of Drew is Cheryl, one of my batch mates in CallTek.

Looks like a rave party right? Well no wonder, CallTek's motto: Work hard, party harder.

Still another photograph with Cheska, Drew, Gabby and Sue.

All in all, I had fun! Especially when I danced with my batchmates. Too bad we weren't able to get our batch's picture taken. (reminds me of my cam again!Arrgggg!) We also won 1st prize for the Christmas tree making contest. Thank God our hardwork paid off...

This is our Award winning Christmas Tree.

I realized, I'm still not comfortable with grindin' with a guy... Or could be it depends on who I'm grindin' with. Too embarrassing for me...*blush*

THE AFTER PARTY PARTY?

After the party we decided to continue our dancing @ Vudu. But unfortunately the place is too crowded with preppies that we decided to chill at the resto bar beside Vudu. We tried their food and ordered some cocktails. We got the promo to order 3 cocktails for P200. So we ordered 2 Cosmopolitan and a Mandrin Mandrino. Their Spanish ham was delicious and the rest are A'ok! We went back to Nancy aka Canence's boarding house around 2:45 am. We slept around 3! We were so tired. And my feet are really exhausted.

In the end, its just another company Christmas party...and we move on!

a date with my BF!

Its a great day for me since for the first time in almost 5 months now I went out with my BF - bestfriend Ivy. I can't believe its been that long since we last talked. She went to Japan to visit her mom. She stayed there for 4 months. You might wonder why I refer to her as my bestfriend where in we don't see each other that much, we don't talk that often on the phone and we don't even text that much. But you see there is a bond between us that only we can understand. She's one of the people that I can openly talk to with out hesitation. Why? Because she's one of the rarest non-judgemental human being there is. I mean don't get me wrong, like me she's no angel. She's not perfect and she admits to it. And she's like my sister and well she is my sister. As usual I was left hanging, seemed that the time we spent was not enough. It isn't really and I told her that we should go out more often. She's actually a medtech in Vicente Sotto and she's on the day shift whilst I am on the night shift. But as what our VP said "If you don't have time, make time!"


So from now on, I'll try to make time to be with people that I care about. I'll try to make time for my family which includes my grandmother and my cousins over at Mt. View, probably bring them their pizza before my grandma flies to San Jose for Christmas, I'll make time for my college friends and have long awaited always postponed party, I'll make time for my close friend Glynnee and hangout with her before she also flies to California on the 20th, I'll make time to meet up with my college Philo instructor turned friend and confident, Maje and buy her that Starbucks coffee I promised her, try to make time to hangout with my best guy friend Doyle, make time to go out and eat dinner or lunch with my girls Deanne, Maia and Bernice...And also meet up with John for lunch or dinner...So who did I miss? Can I do all of this before the year ends? I don't know we'll see...


And gosh still got lots of shopping to do. We're supposed to get our 13th month pay today... Money, money, money...Spending it all on my family... Well I'll try to save some! I got financial issues...hahahaha...I'm not too thrifty...


Gotta end this coz we have to go home and get some sleep. Will have dance practice later...see yah...

I'm in over my head....

I'm so sleepy right now that I could barely open my eyes. But its one of those days that my body is tired, my eyes are stingy but my brain chose this day to function and think. My mom told me "You have a lot of things in mind, that is why you can't sleep!" And she was probably right because this after noon a got a whole lotta stuff in my head.

• The GS(out account) dance for the dance contest.
  
• Why my officemate agreed in one of our IM conversations that I am naive and actually praised the heavens when I told him that one of my realizations last Friday night was that I was too naive.
• My costume for our company's Christmas party
• I haven't started buying gift yet and am not sure if I could find the time and energy to do so.
• My date with my bestfriend.
• How to cure this insanity that plagues me again.

This was my post for yesterday...I wasn't able to publish it because I had to rush after my shift. I was so hungry so we dropped by McDonalds before going home....

Sophia...You're a fire I can't put out....

When I thought that it was all over.... Everything began....

How wrong I was to think that I could do anything, to feel nothing and forget everything.How wrong I was to think that if I would immerse myself in work, drown myself with books and music, that I could not even remember that you existed.But no matter how much I tried to evade the thought of you, it seems that I have failed myself again.

Fore in spite of me giving myself 97 days to try not to think, speak and breathe your perseity, in spite some of my few close friends' counsel to distance myself, to try life with somebody else in it, to open myself to all the other possibilities, with just one song --- the very song that I have loved for 3 weeks now--- I am back to falling.

Why do we always have the same regard to music? Why do we like the same songs? We don't listen together, didn't even bother asking you about it but you end up sharing again. Our love for music is the binding force that leads me back to you....

You're like the fire in Nerina Pallot's new single Sophia:



5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me,
calling out, Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every time, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

Blog 2: Nonchalant things...

I have been listening to tons of music at the office lately...
It wasn't really properly defined whether it was allowed or not allowed but since its one of the things that keeps me alive during my shift even if I have the purple bone pillow Ben gave me 2 Christmases ago at my back, I still keep my head up and face towards the monitor.

My officemates would wonder what I was doing because like last week they were all sleeping on their cubes and I was busy listening to music and reading blogs! At least our VP didn't catch me sleeping in my cube. But the earphone is still plugged to my left ear with my headset also on the other side as he said "What's happening here???!" uh oh! Then he sent an email to everybody...
M E M O R A N D U M mania...

And I'd like to answer Doyle's tag...

No Doyle, its not a guy issue this time...Its more like an issue with myself. YOu know how sometimes even if it seems that you have all the things you need in life, how you still feel empty and lost? Well I just went through that phase lately. Maybe its because I kinda lost track of how much I used to appreciate everything else around me. How I used to be thankful for whatever small blessing I have. I used to be so grateful, making the most of what I have. And that thing about my cousin ignited that questioning in me. She triggered a spark plug in me that got me paranoid for a day or two. But I'm at peace with myself now. I believe I will still encounter these issues but then I know I will fight it through prayers. So anyways Doyle, The GUY, you know who he is, is not the issue...It was me all along...

And I kinda took your advise of not thinking so much of the things people do. Surprisingly I'm back to the music business. With a headset and music match in my computer, I'm good to go.



I'm building rapport with my current team mates... Lately, I've been eating breakfast with my team mates even with our TL. And I didn't regret on going over time last Thursday night coz I had such a good laugh with Jackie and Ryan. Lucky for us it was Thanksgiving in the States so there were less calls. We ended up talking and joking around at our unending bloopers due to being so sleepy...

sample:

BLOOPERS1: instead of "Internet Tech Support, this is Lauren..." I said "Internet Explorer, this is Lauren..."


BLOOPERS2: lately our QA advised to use the first name of the guest in dealing with them, but when we started in this current account, our VP told us to use either Ma'am or Sir... So here goes Ryan, " Can I have your first and last name please, Okay thanks can I call you Paul?...[silence, waiting for approval from guest and guest happily approves]...Yes Sir..."


BLOOPERS3: Jackie asked the guest to pull up the command prompt so that they could get the guest's IP address. So Jackie goes, "Okay click on start, then click on RUN. On the run window type in ipconfig." Then guest on the other line says that windows cant find the path specified. So Jackie tries again saying "Ok type in i-p-c-o-n-f-i-g and then hit Ok button." Guest still says he's receiving an error message. Jackie who's now a bit pissed says, "Alright let's try it again I for india, P for peter...[so on..]." Good thing guest is patient is luckily for Jackie a non-techy kinda guest so the guest just obliged and continued typing in then says he's still receiving the same error message. Jackie who then realized that she's doing it incorrectly, the said "Ok on the run window type in cmd, c for charlie, m for mary and d for delta." The guest said "You didn't tell my that earlier!" So the guest is not that stupid after all...Then Jackie says "I thought I did, so now let type in IPCONFIG on the black window!"...


I know if you read this its not that funny but when were there when two of my officemates told the tale of how they embarrassed themselves in dealing with the guests, you would have laughed your head off! Its really hilarious that I admittedly told mine also.

So I would end my blog again,
with a smile and a light feeling
because I have set free of my inhibitions.

Blog 1: midnight horniness...

A couple of days back, my officemates added me to this conference in MSN messenger. - by the way, this picture is courtesy of DEVIANTART.

TOPIC1:
Are you perverted?

TOPIC2:
What sexual position do you like?

TOPIC3:
needles, peanut butter and tobleron ( will just elaborate later...)

To my surprise, the people on the conference are a mixture of single non perverted women, married women, married man, innocent sweethearts, our supervisor - who's also married, perverted single woman and many unidentified feeling horny individuals.

I was laughing the first night at how silly it is for us to be arguing about these kinds of stuff on IM wherein I'm pretty sure most of those who are on the conference doesn't have experience yet. Aside from those who are married already, I'm assuming that most of us here are virgins. But then again, who knows...

So about the needles, peanut butter and the tobleron...


NEEDLE - one of my officemates made a joke and referred the guy's "birdie" to a needle. I'm not really sure if the size of the needle is relevant but from then on, most people her referred to that part of the topic for the night as "needle".




PEANUT BUTTER - this is the only spread available in the pantry so this was the only food they could think of for the foreplay part...Imagine using peanut butter for foreplay...its so icky...I wonder why they came up with that idea...I wasn't actually paying attention to the conversation because I was busy fixin my friendster template and looking for something to blog about.



TOBLERON - to this part, I guess its still part of the foreplay...I'm not really sure what it has got to do with the whole thing coz once again I wasn't paying attention...



so what's the point of this blog? right?


My point is, people in this company tend to think of crazy stuff just keep themselves alive, awake and enthusiastic... Its just a matter of open-mindedness and maturity in handling this kind of conversation. If its your first time, then you'll really feel embarrassed and would blush at the thought but then again, as what one of my office mates told me as they added me back to the conference when I opted to leave, "Lauren you have to know..."

The second night we were on the conference, I was already bored on the same topics. It seems that they're just going around in circles, trying to pinpoint as to who it the most perverted. Then somebody dared them to stop using words and act on it and the conference ended...

I actually Xed out of it because I found this cool website that I could read novels from Dan Brown and Michael Crichton. And while reading through I'm listening to the cd that Doyle gave me which has cool coldplay videos and mp3s not to mention the Radiohead albums...which brings me to...next blog please...

of books and music...

I have been blog hoppin' for several days now and what I've come to realize is that I am not alone in feeling confused...That there are so many others like me who seemed lost. But then I am finding comfort in books and songs and artists like Coldplay, Snow Patrol and The Fray. Music really relaxes my nerves and reading lets me forget things, takes me to different places. And besides Catherine Coulter's books are so fast paced that you can hardly put the book down. Maybe if I weren't answering phone calls and troubleshooting internet connections on different platforms, I'd like to be a crime investigator like Agent Sherlock.













My office mate JP and my best guy friend Doyle have been so generous to me feeding me my daily dose of alternative music. And I still have tons of books at home waiting for me to dust them off and turn the page.

I figured this is my sabbatical...if you're asking from which or from whom...well telling it here on my blog would defeat the purpose.

John you're right, he has his own life to live and I have mine. It may seem dragging at times but I do have a choice to let it be or do something to make it --let's just say-- more exciting and adventurous...

But I'm definitely through with getting drunk. It never happens and I end up getting allergies. I'll try Doyle's way of living...Straight Edge...Now what the heck is that?

From my ever reliable friend: Wikipedia...Here goes...

Straight Edge (sXe, SxE or "Edge") refers to a lifestyle, a personal commitment, a social movement, and a subculture that is closely associated with hardcore punk music. Straight edgers abstain from tobacco, alcohol, and recreational drugs. Additionally, many straight-edgers also abstain from medicinal drugs, promiscuity, and animal products.

Not that I'm into hardcore punk rock music entirely but its more like I'm going to adopt the lifestyle of straight edge...

But for the very reason of practicality I think I'll just have to start with doing away with tobacco (never will smoke), alcohol (try my best not to drink - even on parties) and any recreational drugs (hahaha as if!). I can't live without medicinal drugs because I have awful allergies that cause my sinuses to swell and there goes my sneezing and tear dropping moments again!

And as for the animal products, I eat whatever is provided for me so if my family's having meat, I should eat or else I'll starve. I don't usually eat in the office, I donate my food to the poor guys who have such appetite that one lunch box is not enough -- growing boys or rather men... And besides I love to eat meat. But if I were to choose my food, I would definitely go for chicken and tuna then bring on the vegies...

So in a month or so I'll see if I am able to live the straight edge way of life!

Well so much for food, it makes my stomach churn...TUNA SANDWICH...its going to be payday tomorrow...watch out!

I love life...
I live life and love it!

till then...chow!

What do you look for in a guy?

-good sense of humor, sensitivity, wits, thoughtfulness
>>>this was in one of the surveys I answered way back in 2003...

some random quiz that occupied my idle time while I wasn't taking calls...

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Are You a Challenge?

JUST IMAGINING THAT I HAVE A GUY...

Your Guy Is Not A Player!

At least, all signs point to "negative" What your guy is: straight up, honest... And a one woman man. This one's a keeper - so hold on to him.

Is He A Player?

after attending mass yesterday, I was kinda enlightened a bit. The Gospel was basically about generosity.

GENEROSITY
>>> the priest said that generosity comes when even if a person has no more extra to give he still chooses to share what he has left to those whom he thinks needs it more than he does.

Now does genuine generosity still exist in our world?

Where's my Solace?

where is that place?
that I used to feel at peace?
I tried to find me in them
but all I see is confusion
a mixture of egos
all blended into one lie

I tried to find me in nature
but that is not my domain either
the wind touches my skin
but it still leaves me sad and weary

I tried to find me in music
and it soothes my soul somehow
but the words in poetry cuts like knife
on my already bleeding heart

I guess it only goes to show
that I need not question
that I need not search
that I need not walk that path
of trying to find me outside who I am

I still got what it takes

I went out tonight...Our supposed team building turned out to be just a night out with some of non-Janet team like Shine and her bf Pare, Tess and JP...don't know what happened to my 5 other team mates. I had too much laughter, a couple bottles of beer and a whole lotta cigarette smoke to my face and I'm all good...

Had several realizations...

~that if I'm with the right group of friends, I won't be lonely...
~that I don't easily give into temptation...
~that I still am not drunk with 2 bottles of red horse
~that if I try so hard, I can push my mind to delete his memory, even the very thought of his name
~that in fairness, when I looked at the mirror, even if I was a bit tipsy, I wasn't ashamed of what I saw...

As what John said in his tag that I only question my beliefs if I'm with a company who doesn't seem to agree to my beliefs...And I thought long and hard as to who exactly in my set of company contradicts or opposses my values...and guess who popped my mind...my cousin...TSAI...yep...we're of the same age, of the same family lineage, the same school except for college, used to have the same interest but totally differnt personality...We're completely opposite. And it hit me that the very moment we hanged out was the beginning of my soul searching.


But some other cause for this internal crisis is the very person who inspires me. The very guy who consumes most of my idle time, my mind, the songs, the pictures and the moments. Yep, and you want to know why he causes all this personal dilemma? Because I realized that I want to stop myself from thinking that I have fallen because I have not known what it is to really fall...


So to John who have become one of my trusted confidants, I am grateful because in spite of us not having to talk that much, me not a part of your world now, you have so generously given me a part of your time, to think things through...

To Angelie who have constantly read my blogs, thanks so much for being so honest and straight forward with your thoughts...


To all those who read but won't give a piece of their mind... I appreciate your dropping by...at least you cared to know how my life goes...

TO: him...
I don't want to fall if I'm not sure
I don't want to love you if I haven't found a part of myself

Who am I really?

Been having this identity crisis lately. I mean when I graduated from 6th grade I was really confident that I partly knew who I am already. I mean I don't question if I have the heart of a girl or a guy. Its pretty obvious that I'm not confused in that part of my identity. When I got to college I was more sure than ever of who I am because my faith was defined, it was tested and thus strengthened. The ultimate confusion that I have with myself is that the values on which I grew up with, the values which defines who I am seem to be shakey and questionable. It seems righteous and judgemental.

The real world frightened me due to the very fact that finally I was opening my eyes to the truth of humanity. What I discovered scared the hell out of me at the same time left me curious at the vast possibilities that lies ahead. Those of who are not that familiar with how my mind works would probably think of me as crazy...Crazy to question my own belief, my own values. But is it not the right thing to do? To question from time to time what we believe in?

So who am I really?
Or rather what am I?
What am I capable of?
What am I not capable of?
What do I believe in?

Can you see how lost I am right now?

I wonder if I'll ever be able to find ME...

image is from DeviantArt

so cold...

I just heard my office mate Shine complained and asked someone to turn down the airconditioning...it is cold but I don't mind at all...

I just had several confusing and irritating cases. I had to shout out so that the engineer could hear me on the other line.

So whats on my mind right now? S L E E P.... S L E E P.... S L E E P....

Watched the movie A Walk To Remember again...still cried on the same scenes...

wahhh im not gonna write some more coz my mind is so blank right now...

You Are 39% Scary

You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

the tides...

My mood is like the tide, it keeps going up and down...

Right before my cousin left I felt a bit of a rebel. It seemed to me that I was trapped in this cage and the ones who hold the keys are my parents. But after going through the violent battle with myself over which aspects in life I was to put into consideration, I realized I was being selfish. I wasn't being grateful just feeling that way. It dawned me that all they wanted to do is to as much as possible protect me, letting me think twice in making my decisions.

My cousin was right about me being free to make my own decisions but it wouldn't hurt to listen to some advise from the ones who are wiser.

I figured I love my parents too much not to listen. I love them too much not to consider how they feel in every action and decision I make.

As often as my mood changes, so does my heart's decision. At one time I would think that I am falling deep into the pits of this insane longing for him. Then next thing I knew I would tell myself that he's not worth it, he's not worth another heartache, another sad moment, another teardrop... I have not cried for him, I guess I'm that much stronger??? compared to the last time with .... but I keep circling around the entire idea. I'm trying hard not to think of him but I end up dreaming. I'm trying hard not to text him but then end up replying to his joke. I need a diversion, fast...

Anyway, its almost Halloween. Our part of the office is quite eerie already. The morning shift people did a great job at decorating our office and our cubes. Mine's a bit messy, I have try to make it a bit cleaner. But Halloween is supposed to be messy, bloody messy(sounds like an Englishman)! So I think I'll let it be...

I just wish that I can see the true light at the end of the tunnel, not some train that would smash my head or some deadend.

I wish you were here...I don't know who that YOU is...

So what AM i going to be on halloween???

I'm quite shocked when I went to work today. Saw that guy I mentioned in my previous blogs. He was helping out on the decorations for halloween. We have this contest in the office. We have to decorate our area and the best account that has the best decoration wins like a P1,500 bucks.

Okay so you might think, what is she doing with that guy again???

Actually, I decided to be friends with him. I decided to be friends with everybody including the love of my life. F R I E N D S some without but mostly with benefits? Nahh...don't want to go through the drama later on. Anyway, talk to you later about the love of my life.

Let's go back to this guy...So he was on the floor painting the news paper with black ink. Then he called my name and said he needed to talk to me. I was kinda annoyed at first coz he was smoking. You know how I hate it when I'm talking to someone smoking in my face. But then what he said shocked me...He told me he was hearing stuff about me leaving the company. I was totally appalled. I didn't think that the rumors would reach him or that he would care at all. As far as I'm concerned, he still is playing games with the entire office. But then when he told me not to leave and that I'm one of the reasons why he likes to stay, I was touched. Not that it would change my decision if ever one of the companies I applied for would offer me a job. But really, of all the people who would talk me out of my decision, he's the last one on the list.

Anywayz, I'm just glad that we're friends now and that I don't feel awkward talking to him. He even said that he knows he doesn't show that he cares coz he just text me once in a while and that he doesn't talk to me that much but he really does care for me as a friend. Me being such a good natured person actually believed him. I don't want to be a cynic anymore and I still want to believe the goodness and sincerity of each person!

so much for that...that's just me flattering myself...

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE...

---is so far away from me right now
---doesn't seem to have an idea that I am inlove with him
---does seem to have an idea that I have my eyes on him
---was hurt and could probably be still hurting right now
---told me that he doesn't want to have a serious relationship right now
---doesn't text me or call (which figures: I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND)
---maybe the only guy who's on my mind right now...unless...

Unless if someone could steal my heart away from him...

I am crazy...I want to lose myself in work or in thinking of music or arts and get back to making flash using Flash 8(thanks to JP) or make my own template for my website using Dreamweaver 8(thanks to JP again). I hope someone or something could help me forget him...

Ian's last question: WHO BROKE YOUR HEART? isn't it obvious? one of the most sensitive person in the world!

peace out...

so what am I going to be on Halloween?

The rebel me...

How would you try to love someone and then try to love yourself too?

It seems that I'm feeling crappy lately...It could be because I've realized from our Moalboal trip that there is no spark between me and him...It could be because I have come to feel weary with this current job that I have...It could be that I'm just so fed up with putting up with the same people who I try to protect, I try to please, I try to love... I should humble myself with this people, they're the only family that I have but sometimes my blacksheep cousin makes sense. My life shouldn't be dictated, not even by my own parents.

AM I OLD ENOUGH?

I think I am...To make my own decisions and stand by them. To make mistakes and learn from them. To speak my thoughts(still needs practice, more practice) and convey my emotions in a verbal manner. But I can't even tell my brother that I'm pissed because he's being a pain the ass nor could I have the gutts to show him how I truly feel (not referring to my brother but to somebody else)....

Currently I am battling this demon of being selfish and being selfless...So which is which? should I think of mostly myself and enjoy life to the fullest or remain in this cage and exert all effort to bring joy to my family?

Does that mean that to live fully is to do what ever it takes to attain what I wanted, to have what I longed for with out considering the feelings of other people most especially those who mean the most to me?

Could I really be that selfish?

So now why do I want to rebel? to go against the current? to defy the norms?
Is this the sign that I am tired of how I live my life? People who barely know me always mistook me as someone who's a goody-two-shoes. Well news flash: I am not!

Its the end of my shift now, I can barely open my eyes... I need sleep, I need a very long sleep...

check out the picture below:



Just a taste of our Moalboal/Kawasan excursion...I really love this pic!

I confuse me again....

I don't know why I can't seem to write anything anymore. Maybe because the only thing that's on my mind right now is:

1.) our soon to come Moalboal excursion
2.) the stuff I left at the boarding house including my guitar
3.) contemplating on whether I should start passing my resume to both Infoweapons and Epson this month
4.) my guy friend/officemates comment that the reason why I dont have a bf is that I'm too picky.
5.) my cousin's exam which is due this weekend which I needed to take.
6.) my cousin's assignment on Buddhism which is also due this weekend.
7.) my finances
8.) how I will manage my time so that I can still learn Flash at home and do some web design using Dreamweaver
9.) reformatting my computer again because I think I wasn't able to get rid of the worm.
10.) trying to redirect my thoughts from you-know-who to something else so that I won't text him!

end of shift now...gotta go and get some sleep!

random thoughts again!

Its the last day of my shift for this week and finally it'll be REST DAY once again! Well actaully I'm not too sure of that since my cousin and her friend Maricela wants to go clubbing and scuba diving, as if I know pretty damn well how to swim. The thought fascinates me though coz it has always been one of my "dream thing" to do aside from the many crazy things that are currently pending on my list. But I'm looking forward to hanging out with those two.


Man, I badly need some sleep considering I still can't get 8 hours of sleep without being disturbed by a phone call, a knock on the door or my cellphone vibrating. I know I should not place my phone anywhere near but since my cousin's here and sometimes would like to grab a bite for lunch, so I have to keep it close coz she might contact me anytime.


I have been having these long morning walks everytime I go home. My officemates Shannon and especially JP kept on tugging my shirt as soon as the clock strikes 5 am coz they're so eager to go home. So I also have to do double time on my open cases before I leave since we made it a habit to make sure not to leave open cases on our bin. So we ride the jeepney home and I end up walking from Harrison Park to our house every morning for like a week now since by that time, there's still a few jeepneys. I might be confusing you, I need to take 2 jeepney rides home. The second jeepney ride is quite rare at 530am so I have the privilege to walk.

Welcome home Ping!

My cousin arrived from the states last Wednesday together with her Mexican friend: Maricela. I had to work that day so I just met her last Thursday instead. The first two things she noticed, my still being a bit chubby and my hair, saying I looked like Mufasa. I just laughed it out since I got used to people teasing me of being chubby or to put it in a very honest way, F A T! And with regards to my hair, its true that it really looks bad, curly and fried! I didn't actually put on conditioner that day so its a bit dry. Anyway, why am I telling you this? Well I don't exactly know for sure but writing about it makes me feel a whole lot better.


Anyways, the party last night was a blast. Actually it was just dinner with family and friends. I invited Louise, Ian and Karl over so that we can talk about the upcoming outing. We ended up staying in the den watching the soap that actually ends yesterday. Everybody's so glued on the T.V. that even our new found friend Maricela has to go through the drama. She's cool actually, very talkative and playful. She's older than me coz she's 24 but she's a year younger than my cousin. She calls my cousin "the little one" since she's the smallest in their group. That night I realized that I didn't have a night life if it weren't for Ping, yeah that's what I call her. We grew up together and she has been my "LAAG" buddy then coz its only with her that my mom would let me go to disco's and bars.



And so after the party, we did go to PAD5 to do karoake. Maricela said they don't do karaoke in Reno so that would explain why she doens't sing and she said she listens to mexican/latino songs. But hopefully she enjoyed her chocolate flavored smirnoff. YUM! She picked a cocktail for me and guess what she picked out...of all the cocktail drinks it had to be: BEFORE SEX cocktail. We (including me) were kinda curious what it tastes like and why it was named as such... Well it was okay, different from a margarita because it has a certain taste I could not describe coz for one I'm not so familiar with cocktail drinks and two, I'm not such a frequent drinker.


On our ride back home at around 3+ am in the morning, while hitching a ride from Jeri's(our neighbor and close friend) boyfriend Roy, we almost hit a man lying on the middle of the road when we were driving by V.Rama road. Roy's speed was quite fast coz it was late and we were the only one's on the road. Good thing though Roy has very fast reflexes and has presence of mind that time and he was able to slow down in time for the guy to get up and wave at us. Jeri thought the guy's going to throw a stone at the wind sheild. We were shocked but Roy remained calm and collected saying he often get into that kind of situation and if the guy had attempted to throw a stone at us or done something stupid, he would without second thoughts slam the gas and hit the guy with the car.

The rest of the ride home, this saying keeps on popping inside my mind, its not the exact line but here goes:

you will know when you really miss the person not when you are alone but when even if you are having fun with family and friends, you find yourself thinking of him.

so this ends my article for today...I missed my cousin and I'm more than glad that she's home. She's been out of the country for so long... But I also miss that one person...maybe he knows its him...who knows...

my musical influences

Today October 1st, I would like to pay tribute to all the people who have influenced the evolution of my music. These are the people whom I have met over the years and who have greatly affected my choice of music and how much passion I have for the arts.


When I was young I'd listen to the radio...

*my late grandfather - Conrado Labay Sr.*
I remember him coming home from Saudi bringing a boom box and more than a dozen tapes. Way back when cds still weren't invented, we already have the 80's blastin out our window. I think my dad still keeps my grandfather's tapes at our house. So you see as early as 2 years old, I was already a Beattles fan!

*my elementary music teachers - Mrs. Noval, Ms. Estella and Mr. Lacson*
They were the ones who kept on pulling me out of my class to have me practice on either the Responsorial Psalm of the upcoming First Friday Mass or include me(one of the few 3rd graders) to the choir for the mass.
I remember getting angry at Mrs. Noval because she keeps on increasing the pitch to the point that we're always going to Falcetto and then would keep on saying "from the diaphragm" and because I'm still a mere 9 year old, I still don't know how to sing from the diaphragm and end up hurting my larynx...But I did enjoy singing during mass. When I joined the school politics, my singing career stopped for a while.


*my first crush who plays the guitar - Mark Lemuel Bulawan*
- It was one fine summer back in '95 and I was introduced to one of the most obnoxious, most boastful guitar player I have ever met. But damn, I love the way his finger strum the guitar he was carrying that day. Then I decided I want to play and finally asked him to teach me but then to my demise, he said he won't! Imagine the fury of Vanessa...Well actually, it was better that way coz I pushed my self to learn playing the instrument...Sooner that summer, I was able to play simple songs, more of the basic but heck I can already carry a tune! I was so happy and proud of myself. I was singing songs by Rivermaya, Green Department, Yano, Eraserheads and Metallica!


so hold me tight and don't let go...

Freshman year I auditioned for one of the spots for our Freshman Orientation. The freshman faculty are trying to put up a group who will render a song on the orientation day.

I don't exactly know why I had the gutts to sing in front of the entire Freshmen faculty but I guess my adviser then convinced me into doing so. And I was more surprised to see my name of the list of those who will be performing. And thus my singing career sprung to life.


*music teacher from 1st to 4th year - Mr. Rhi Garciano*
- he's one of the best teachers I've ever had. Practicing was never a burden for me coz I always end up learning something new.
- he was the one who taught me some of the voicing techniques that I was taught in elementary but didn't quite understand nor I found significant then. But when I joined the group in freshman year, it was the first time I felt great singing with a group...I'm not bragging here but we sound good together. Even if the only accompaniment we had was only Sir Rhi's classical acoustic guitar, when I hear us sing, it feels so heavenly...And that really boost up my confidence...
-since then I went back to singing during the Eucharistic celebration - it figures I came from a sectarian school since I was 6. Even if I was only in the glee club for about a year, I still sang during masses.


*my cousin - Marie Therese Lambo aka Tsai*
-she was my playmate turned confidant turned piano tutor turned jamming buddy. In high school we were classmates from 1st year till 3rd year and we shared the same interest and liked the same type of music. We were both practicing the guitar and I remember, she was better than me but we really enjoyed jamming. We were so hooked on rock music but we still listen to hiphop and lovesongs. We even put up a band when we were in 2nd year, joined the band showdown and got the 3rd place...At least we were not last. We played Song 2
-its just so sad that she had to let go of the talent that she has...She would have been a great musician and composer because she's also a poet herself. Her words are moving and really convey strong emotions.
to be continued...again...

Its 2:41 on my IP phone...Its Saturday afternoon on the east coast and I don't know what happened to the callers but we're actually receiving less calls tonight. Maybe because there's already 3 more agents added to our shift...Thank God!


I'm a bit sleepy and well trying my very best to keep myself awake without getting a cup of coffee.. 2 hours and 45 minutes more and then I could go to church and go home and sleep my ass off again!


So here I am almost to the end of my shift and I can't stop thinking of all things I could've wanted to write about...and then I stumble upon the long unanswered question:


WHAT DO I LOOK FOR IN A GUY?

Okay so I think its time I would answer that question since eventhough I don't have much experience on dating, I think I have gained enough knowledge on the male specie to be able to decipher what I really like or look for in a guy!

*he has to be God-fearing*
-Im not saying that he should be religious...its different from being faithful! but it would be great if he goes to Church every Sunday with his family.
*responsible and obedient son*

to be continue...I'm going home...

One of those rainy days....

Okay so it seems ages since I've posted. Kinda swamped with calls since we hit the floor again with the new account. On the average, we get like 30-40 calls per shift and it all ranges from simple login issues to complicated infastructure issues that needs to be forwarded to Tier 2...Okay sorry, got carried away with the call center terms...Anywayz, I'm glad its day off again...


I'm proud to say that I'm getting the hang of being in the night shift. I already found a way to get some sleep in the morning. DRINK STRESS TABS...yep and I'll surely doze off waking up at around 4 in the afternoon.


Got lots of things on my mind, I don't know how to let all of these thoughts out...


Well right now, I need to get back to sleep coz its quite nice to just snuggle in bed...


Its raining again... But this time, I love the rain...


Till next time!

on chasing cars and eating pizza

All alone on a Sunday afternoon, sitting near the window, I ate Sbarro's supreme stuffed pizza. I put on my headphones and listened to songs while eating lunch in ayala. Once again, I'm all by myself. I think I need to get used to it. Walking alone, eating alone, riding the jeepney alone... Don't get me wrong, I don't think my life is sad or that I am lonely. Its just that I cannot move forth with whatever plans I have if I keep on waiting for a companion right? I mean, I'm the kind of person who can do things with less supervision, with out any companion. I am independent and I love it that way.



So anyway, I listened to EBTG and some random mushy songs in Y101 and KillerBee. I thought of him again and how much fun we had last Saturday. (post about this will follow since I still don't have the pictures). I'm currently reading his book - By the River Piedra I sat down and wept by Paolo Coehlo. It seems that my readings nowadays are all about love and finding love. I love the words and the emotions along with that. I remember someone telling me that I am mushy...hehehe...maybe I am or better yet maybe I am a born romantic...


Then out of the blue, this song played:

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I remember us walking on a Tuesday evening, on our way back to the boarding house from JCA he told me he liked SNOW PATROL. Then I sang the "you are all that I want" song and he said that its not the same song... I finally heard the song "chasing cars" and once again left at awe at the possibility of him trying to convey a message to me through another song. He sang to me so many times already that the possibility is quite vague. But I as I tried to listen to the song, I let myself go ahead and think of that possibility that he meant every word. I know someone will react on this again (forgive me, I can't help myself, I like him too much to deprive myself of the fantasy). But if this is the only way for me to feel his closeness, his presence in my life, through the songs that he tries to share, every word of the lyrics and every tune of the music played, then I will take it and be grateful that music exists as form of communication between the souls.



See this is the effect of reading too many mushy books and listening to too many mushy songs. I'm full of mushiness....hehehehe...Give me this moment to feel and think and be...For now, its one of the things that makes me happy and contented... I promise I won't let it all get to my head so that someday, when he goes back to dating again, I won't be sad. Mind you, I've never cried for him, not once since I realized that I liked him too much...



Till then...*smiles*

my day off: part 1

GS Team Outing @ Mt. View


I had mentioned in my previous blogs that I was transfered to a new account. There are only 22 of us in the Global Suites account because its still a test drive for our company. We'd undergone training for just a week and then hit the floor the following week. The head office in Calgary actually sent one of their managers to train us.

So on his(the trainer) last night in Cebu coz he left for Japan yesterday, we went to Mt.View to have our team building. The view was great and the company was fantastic. Except for the part that my new found buddy Tess and I had to do the barbecue because all the girls were preoccupied with taking turns with the karaoke. And I just had 2 beers and a whole lot of soot on my shirt and face. But then again I had fun with my team mates. We are really a crazy bunch. Bottom line is, I am actually expanding my horizon and enjoying every bit of experience I have along the way...

But then again on that day I realized that the freedom that I have still does have its limitations. That same day after we went to Mt. View, the team agreed that we'd go home, freshen up and then go out and go disco. I had to attend my grandmother's birthday party so instead of going to the boarding house to change, I went to my Lola's party and then went home. Unfortunately and fortunately for me, my mom didn't allow me to out again that night. I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to go. But the afterwards I admitted to myself that I was better off because the following day, I was going out with friends to go wall climbing...


So that's about it with the first part of my adventuresome day off...


I'll just post the pics next time coz I still haven't transfered it...

say whats on your mind...

Say what's on your mind. Be kind, but be honest. You'll see startling results where before you saw only roadblocks. This isn't the easiest skill to master, but do it anyway. You'll serve yourself -- and others -- better.

So my night life would officially start tonight @ exactly 11pm. Yep, I'm moved to night shift... There goes the doubt again of whether I would make it or not. I definitely wont be late because my original shift would start at 7:50 pm... And would end at 4:50am. But if Terri could do it and so did the rest of the night shift people then I'll definitely go through the rest of the month in a breeze...


Anywayz, this is going to be awfully short since I need to make this project for one of my friends. And I need to prepare my clothes...and other stuff...


Till then, hope I could write a lot when I'm in night shift...Just to get all this feelings and thoughts out... Its hard to keep them, even harder to keep them all to myself.


Heaven shines down on me...

EXISTENTIAL ANGST 2

Are you taking yourself out of the race because you think you can't compete? Your chances of winning are much better than you think. Plus, you could feel worse that you didn't think enough of your abilities to even try.

Don't I think this horoscope seemed timely or what? So here's an update on my life...


I know I seemed kinda disturbed in my last post. I had too much rumor in my head that it would almost end up bursting. PARDON ME WHILE I BURST INTO FLAMES, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WORLD, AND ITS PEOPLE'S MINDLESS GAMES... Thanks to Incubus' music, I've been healed of this apathy.


Anyway, got transfered to a new account. They say its the biggest account of the company. Some say, its going to be difficult with tons of infastructure problems, that it would be stricter compared to the other account. But then who would ever know? We are new to this, those who are not in this account only heard yet again RUMORS of the said account. So anyway, I'll be coming in at 9 am and the training would end at 5 pm. How am I feeling on all of this? Excited and frightened...


I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH...


The guy whom I have mentioned before turned out to be a genuine fraud. This guy is full of sh*t...His modus: to let all the girls in the office fall into his trap and fall into a secret love affair. But you know what its all virtual...You see this guy is only good in words. He jumps from one girl to the other, testing on who's going to believe all the lies he's going to tell...God bless his soul...


No I'm not eating the bullSh*t that's being fed to me...



And what pisses me off the most is ME NOT LISTENING TO MY INTUITION AND ALMOST BELIEVING HIM. How stupid... Well I've learned my lesson... At least I didn't exert effort on investigating him... Its like the heavens dropped the truth on my lap. One of my boardmates told me something about him and then the truth just started pouring in. OH my Gosh... Its too much truth I could handle.


Anyways, I've had enough of guys...for now...


I'm going to exert all my effort in being good or rather be the best in my job. Its going to be a great challenge but at least, it would make me a better Engineer. And after watching the pop jazz competition in USC-Main gym last Saturday, I once again have this urge to practice dancing. I miss jazz, hip hop and even latin dances... I miss getting bruises because of the kneeling part or the flooring... I miss the feeling of being on top, being lifted and not being conscious of my weight because I had developed the technique of letting my body be very light. Suspension...ahh feels good...hehehe...


I'm supposed to incorporate pictures here but then dial up is kinda slow for pictures...Unlike in the office...Hi speed internet access...



Anyway guys...keep posted on this battle of life and survival...Don't worry, I won't let them eat me alive...=) This girl is tougher than you think... 4 years in an all girl school and 5 years in a male dominating engineering class made me that way...


chill--> crazy beautiful signing out <---

Existencial Angst I

I'm quite lost
On who to trust
The world is full of liars
The world is full of plastics
That it suffocates the truth
Every single word uttered
makes every inch of my body ache
most especially the one in the core
that decides for me most of the time


but then these people are supposed to be wise
much wiser than me
but who can tell really?
who can verify that they are
and attest to their graves
that these people are true
that these people are real
that they can be trusted?


And sometimes I would hate myself
for believing the false pretense
of the kindness and the friendliness
and end up eating the worms
of the backstabbing words
that would someday crush my soul


when will I ever learn
when will I finally build
that wall that protects
my pride, the truth and my heart?


I don't know why I wrote this. Its just that its getting crazier in the office than what I've expected. I guess this would be your dilemma if you're friends with everybody...I mean, maybe because I'm new that is why I'm fitting in to any group there is. I try not to get into other people's business because I don't want hassle, I don't want to get involved in problems that are not mine. But why is it that there always exists that certain politics in the office. I hate it... It ruins the entire "family" facade this company is trying to establish...Well its not a facade but a goal. To unite people. But are we really united? Do the people here really care about being one "family"? That is yet to be seen...


I'm crazy coz I think I miss you...
Its not just the flattery
But I miss your comments
and jokes
Your words that never fail
to put that huge smile on my face
even I'm up my sleeve
trying to keep my patience...
I am crazy...

moving out...settling...a new beginning?

I moved out of my old boarding house. Well its not actually mine because I just had my batch mate Claire take me in and adopt me. =) Well anyway, Nancy helped me get my stuff and transfer it to the new bhauz just near the old one. I got my own bed now instead of sleeping on the floor with only a pillow, blanket and a sleeping bag. Don't get me wrong, I was able to sleep well there and even got myself a new talking buddy(claire) but I just needed to set up a permanent place for me. I know nothing is permanent except for change...But I don't know, I liked the new place, the freedom and all that's to follow...


But I'll surely miss Claire and all our small talks in the evening, when the lights go out. I'll still be seeing her though coz I promised her we'll have dinner together. And she's pretty ammenable to the whole idea.


Got myself a new room mate and her name is Jenny. She's also from CallTek but from a different batch. I couldn't have imagined being roomies with her because we don't usually talk in the office. She's really cool though. We share something in common like keeping the room very clean and organized. And we talk, a lot than compared to us being in the office.


I hope everything would work out fine in my new flat. I like it there and as what my aunt told me 2 nights ago..."FREE LIKE A BIRD?"


Well I won't put it that way because I opted to rent a place to be close to work and not having to go through all the hassle of going back and forth our house. My mom was really "go go" but my dad was a bit hesitant and eventually he gave in coz he knows that he could not lend me the car...like as if!


I love surprises, small or big, anything that's out of the ordinary and hehehehe I think I'm getting a lot of surprises these days. But sometimes it would feel bad, would seem that all of these things that are happening are way too fast or really not right. And I would always have these worries to block the euphoria that I would be feeling...


But then Nancy would tell me...


Seize the day van, seize the day!


And so I'll be having a new beginning, ending all qualms about life and love...I'll be exploring new horizons and I'll be setting that old hermit free...No more boredom...I'm sick of it and I want to live life, my life, the way that it should be lived...


Carpe Diem then...

You don't have to be...

I thought I had gotten over the mere fact that there could ever be a chance for him and me to be more than just what we are now. So far, the past few days since I have seen him, I was able to get him off my mind normally without putting too much effort into it. I was having fun at work, dragging myself to take a quick look at the best practice before taking the Level 1 exam, going out with my batchmates and laughing my heart out with Nico's snide remarks on Lana and vise-versa or just simply chatting with two of my best and most recent confidants: Canence aka Nancy and Claire. I'm even enjoying the attention that I'm getting from this guy who seems too good to be true. And I forgot... I have forgotten that I felt something, I forgot the longing for more than what I have, I have forgotten that he existed. Or so I thought...


And then last night, I received a message...


Of him finding the perfect girl at the perfect time but its just that the girl didn't think he was perfect enough to be her man...


If it were just a simple sad forwarded message then I would have either let it stay on my phone for a day or two and erase it to give space to those happy forwarded messages or simply erase it right away.


But coming from him, the message made sense. The message fits. And I'm back to thinking of him again. The diversion didn't seem to work because I'm not completely over...


And then I got this urge to make a statement, a reply of some sorts...


YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT...THE WORLD LOVES YOU THE WAY YOU ARE INCLUDING ALL YOUR IMPERFECTIONS...


If I was brave enough I would have told him that face to face. I would have let him know how much I appreciate him being my friend and all that he is to me. I would have let him know that he doesn't have to change for that girl or for anybody else for that matter but if he wishes to change for the better then he should do it for himself.


But he is wiser than me. He even tries to analyze my actions, reactions and judgements and before, when we used to talk, we'd converse for hours just discussing our attitude and our experiences. And I believe he doesn't need to know that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE... ANYTHING ELSE BUT HIMSELF....