Tuesday, October 31, 2006

so cold...

I just heard my office mate Shine complained and asked someone to turn down the airconditioning...it is cold but I don't mind at all...

I just had several confusing and irritating cases. I had to shout out so that the engineer could hear me on the other line.

So whats on my mind right now? S L E E P.... S L E E P.... S L E E P....

Watched the movie A Walk To Remember again...still cried on the same scenes...

wahhh im not gonna write some more coz my mind is so blank right now...




You Are 39% Scary



You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men.

You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

the tides...


My mood is like the tide, it keeps going up and down...

Right before my cousin left I felt a bit of a rebel. It seemed to me that I was trapped in this cage and the ones who hold the keys are my parents. But after going through the violent battle with myself over which aspects in life I was to put into consideration, I realized I was being selfish. I wasn't being grateful just feeling that way. It dawned me that all they wanted to do is to as much as possible protect me, letting me think twice in making my decisions.

My cousin was right about me being free to make my own decisions but it wouldn't hurt to listen to some advise from the ones who are wiser.

I figured I love my parents too much not to listen. I love them too much not to consider how they feel in every action and decision I make.

As often as my mood changes, so does my heart's decision. At one time I would think that I am falling deep into the pits of this insane longing for him. Then next thing I knew I would tell myself that he's not worth it, he's not worth another heartache, another sad moment, another teardrop... I have not cried for him, I guess I'm that much stronger??? compared to the last time with .... but I keep circling around the entire idea. I'm trying hard not to think of him but I end up dreaming. I'm trying hard not to text him but then end up replying to his joke. I need a diversion, fast...

Anyway, its almost Halloween. Our part of the office is quite eerie already. The morning shift people did a great job at decorating our office and our cubes. Mine's a bit messy, I have try to make it a bit cleaner. But Halloween is supposed to be messy, bloody messy(sounds like an Englishman)! So I think I'll let it be...

I just wish that I can see the true light at the end of the tunnel, not some train that would smash my head or some deadend.

I wish you were here...I don't know who that YOU is...

So what AM i going to be on halloween???

I'm quite shocked when I went to work today. Saw that guy I mentioned in my previous blogs. He was helping out on the decorations for halloween. We have this contest in the office. We have to decorate our area and the best account that has the best decoration wins like a P1,500 bucks.

Okay so you might think, what is she doing with that guy again???

Actually, I decided to be friends with him. I decided to be friends with everybody including the love of my life. F R I E N D S some without but mostly with benefits? Nahh...don't want to go through the drama later on. Anyway, talk to you later about the love of my life.

Let's go back to this guy...So he was on the floor painting the news paper with black ink. Then he called my name and said he needed to talk to me. I was kinda annoyed at first coz he was smoking. You know how I hate it when I'm talking to someone smoking in my face. But then what he said shocked me...He told me he was hearing stuff about me leaving the company. I was totally appalled. I didn't think that the rumors would reach him or that he would care at all. As far as I'm concerned, he still is playing games with the entire office. But then when he told me not to leave and that I'm one of the reasons why he likes to stay, I was touched. Not that it would change my decision if ever one of the companies I applied for would offer me a job. But really, of all the people who would talk me out of my decision, he's the last one on the list.

Anywayz, I'm just glad that we're friends now and that I don't feel awkward talking to him. He even said that he knows he doesn't show that he cares coz he just text me once in a while and that he doesn't talk to me that much but he really does care for me as a friend. Me being such a good natured person actually believed him. I don't want to be a cynic anymore and I still want to believe the goodness and sincerity of each person!

so much for that...that's just me flattering myself...

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE...

---is so far away from me right now
---doesn't seem to have an idea that I am inlove with him
---does seem to have an idea that I have my eyes on him
---was hurt and could probably be still hurting right now
---told me that he doesn't want to have a serious relationship right now
---doesn't text me or call (which figures: I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND)
---maybe the only guy who's on my mind right now...unless...

Unless if someone could steal my heart away from him...

I am crazy...I want to lose myself in work or in thinking of music or arts and get back to making flash using Flash 8(thanks to JP) or make my own template for my website using Dreamweaver 8(thanks to JP again). I hope someone or something could help me forget him...

Ian's last question: WHO BROKE YOUR HEART? isn't it obvious? one of the most sensitive person in the world!

peace out...

so what am I going to be on Halloween?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The rebel me...

How would you try to love someone and then try to love yourself too?

It seems that I'm feeling crappy lately...It could be because I've realized from our Moalboal trip that there is no spark between me and him...It could be because I have come to feel weary with this current job that I have...It could be that I'm just so fed up with putting up with the same people who I try to protect, I try to please, I try to love... I should humble myself with this people, they're the only family that I have but sometimes my blacksheep cousin makes sense. My life shouldn't be dictated, not even by my own parents.

AM I OLD ENOUGH?

I think I am...To make my own decisions and stand by them. To make mistakes and learn from them. To speak my thoughts(still needs practice, more practice) and convey my emotions in a verbal manner. But I can't even tell my brother that I'm pissed because he's being a pain the ass nor could I have the gutts to show him how I truly feel (not referring to my brother but to somebody else)....

Currently I am battling this demon of being selfish and being selfless...So which is which? should I think of mostly myself and enjoy life to the fullest or remain in this cage and exert all effort to bring joy to my family?

Does that mean that to live fully is to do what ever it takes to attain what I wanted, to have what I longed for with out considering the feelings of other people most especially those who mean the most to me?

Could I really be that selfish?

So now why do I want to rebel? to go against the current? to defy the norms?
Is this the sign that I am tired of how I live my life? People who barely know me always mistook me as someone who's a goody-two-shoes. Well news flash: I am not!

Its the end of my shift now, I can barely open my eyes... I need sleep, I need a very long sleep...

check out the picture below:



Just a taste of our Moalboal/Kawasan excursion...I really love this pic!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I confuse me again....

I don't know why I can't seem to write anything anymore. Maybe because the only thing that's on my mind right now is:

1.) our soon to come Moalboal excursion
2.) the stuff I left at the boarding house including my guitar
3.) contemplating on whether I should start passing my resume to both Infoweapons and Epson this month
4.) my guy friend/officemates comment that the reason why I dont have a bf is that I'm too picky.
5.) my cousin's exam which is due this weekend which I needed to take.
6.) my cousin's assignment on Buddhism which is also due this weekend.
7.) my finances
8.) how I will manage my time so that I can still learn Flash at home and do some web design using Dreamweaver
9.) reformatting my computer again because I think I wasn't able to get rid of the worm.
10.) trying to redirect my thoughts from you-know-who to something else so that I won't text him!

end of shift now...gotta go and get some sleep!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

random thoughts again!

Its the last day of my shift for this week and finally it'll be REST DAY once again! Well actaully I'm not too sure of that since my cousin and her friend Maricela wants to go clubbing and scuba diving, as if I know pretty damn well how to swim. The thought fascinates me though coz it has always been one of my "dream thing" to do aside from the many crazy things that are currently pending on my list. But I'm looking forward to hanging out with those two.


Man, I badly need some sleep considering I still can't get 8 hours of sleep without being disturbed by a phone call, a knock on the door or my cellphone vibrating. I know I should not place my phone anywhere near but since my cousin's here and sometimes would like to grab a bite for lunch, so I have to keep it close coz she might contact me anytime.


I have been having these long morning walks everytime I go home. My officemates Shannon and especially JP kept on tugging my shirt as soon as the clock strikes 5 am coz they're so eager to go home. So I also have to do double time on my open cases before I leave since we made it a habit to make sure not to leave open cases on our bin. So we ride the jeepney home and I end up walking from Harrison Park to our house every morning for like a week now since by that time, there's still a few jeepneys. I might be confusing you, I need to take 2 jeepney rides home. The second jeepney ride is quite rare at 530am so I have the privilege to walk.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Welcome home Ping!

My cousin arrived from the states last Wednesday together with her Mexican friend: Maricela. I had to work that day so I just met her last Thursday instead. The first two things she noticed, my still being a bit chubby and my hair, saying I looked like Mufasa. I just laughed it out since I got used to people teasing me of being chubby or to put it in a very honest way, F A T! And with regards to my hair, its true that it really looks bad, curly and fried! I didn't actually put on conditioner that day so its a bit dry. Anyway, why am I telling you this? Well I don't exactly know for sure but writing about it makes me feel a whole lot better.


Anyways, the party last night was a blast. Actually it was just dinner with family and friends. I invited Louise, Ian and Karl over so that we can talk about the upcoming outing. We ended up staying in the den watching the soap that actually ends yesterday. Everybody's so glued on the T.V. that even our new found friend Maricela has to go through the drama. She's cool actually, very talkative and playful. She's older than me coz she's 24 but she's a year younger than my cousin. She calls my cousin "the little one" since she's the smallest in their group. That night I realized that I didn't have a night life if it weren't for Ping, yeah that's what I call her. We grew up together and she has been my "LAAG" buddy then coz its only with her that my mom would let me go to disco's and bars.



And so after the party, we did go to PAD5 to do karoake. Maricela said they don't do karaoke in Reno so that would explain why she doens't sing and she said she listens to mexican/latino songs. But hopefully she enjoyed her chocolate flavored smirnoff. YUM! She picked a cocktail for me and guess what she picked out...of all the cocktail drinks it had to be: BEFORE SEX cocktail. We (including me) were kinda curious what it tastes like and why it was named as such... Well it was okay, different from a margarita because it has a certain taste I could not describe coz for one I'm not so familiar with cocktail drinks and two, I'm not such a frequent drinker.


On our ride back home at around 3+ am in the morning, while hitching a ride from Jeri's(our neighbor and close friend) boyfriend Roy, we almost hit a man lying on the middle of the road when we were driving by V.Rama road. Roy's speed was quite fast coz it was late and we were the only one's on the road. Good thing though Roy has very fast reflexes and has presence of mind that time and he was able to slow down in time for the guy to get up and wave at us. Jeri thought the guy's going to throw a stone at the wind sheild. We were shocked but Roy remained calm and collected saying he often get into that kind of situation and if the guy had attempted to throw a stone at us or done something stupid, he would without second thoughts slam the gas and hit the guy with the car.

The rest of the ride home, this saying keeps on popping inside my mind, its not the exact line but here goes:

you will know when you really miss the person not when you are alone but when even if you are having fun with family and friends, you find yourself thinking of him.


so this ends my article for today...I missed my cousin and I'm more than glad that she's home. She's been out of the country for so long... But I also miss that one person...maybe he knows its him...who knows...

Sunday, October 01, 2006

my musical influences

Today October 1st, I would like to pay tribute to all the people who have influenced the evolution of my music. These are the people whom I have met over the years and who have greatly affected my choice of music and how much passion I have for the arts.


When I was young I'd listen to the radio...


*my late grandfather - Conrado Labay Sr.*

I remember him coming home from Saudi bringing a boom box and more than a dozen tapes. Way back when cds still weren't invented, we already have the 80's blastin out our window. I think my dad still keeps my grandfather's tapes at our house. So you see as early as 2 years old, I was already a Beattles fan!

*my elementary music teachers - Mrs. Noval, Ms. Estella and Mr. Lacson*
They were the ones who kept on pulling me out of my class to have me practice on either the Responsorial Psalm of the upcoming First Friday Mass or include me(one of the few 3rd graders) to the choir for the mass.
I remember getting angry at Mrs. Noval because she keeps on increasing the pitch to the point that we're always going to Falcetto and then would keep on saying "from the diaphragm" and because I'm still a mere 9 year old, I still don't know how to sing from the diaphragm and end up hurting my larynx...But I did enjoy singing during mass. When I joined the school politics, my singing career stopped for a while.


*my first crush who plays the guitar - Mark Lemuel Bulawan*
- It was one fine summer back in '95 and I was introduced to one of the most obnoxious, most boastful guitar player I have ever met. But damn, I love the way his finger strum the guitar he was carrying that day. Then I decided I want to play and finally asked him to teach me but then to my demise, he said he won't! Imagine the fury of Vanessa...Well actually, it was better that way coz I pushed my self to learn playing the instrument...Sooner that summer, I was able to play simple songs, more of the basic but heck I can already carry a tune! I was so happy and proud of myself. I was singing songs by Rivermaya, Green Department, Yano, Eraserheads and Metallica!


so hold me tight and don't let go...

Freshman year I auditioned for one of the spots for our Freshman Orientation. The freshman faculty are trying to put up a group who will render a song on the orientation day.

I don't exactly know why I had the gutts to sing in front of the entire Freshmen faculty but I guess my adviser then convinced me into doing so. And I was more surprised to see my name of the list of those who will be performing. And thus my singing career sprung to life.


*music teacher from 1st to 4th year - Mr. Rhi Garciano*
- he's one of the best teachers I've ever had. Practicing was never a burden for me coz I always end up learning something new.
- he was the one who taught me some of the voicing techniques that I was taught in elementary but didn't quite understand nor I found significant then. But when I joined the group in freshman year, it was the first time I felt great singing with a group...I'm not bragging here but we sound good together. Even if the only accompaniment we had was only Sir Rhi's classical acoustic guitar, when I hear us sing, it feels so heavenly...And that really boost up my confidence...
-since then I went back to singing during the Eucharistic celebration - it figures I came from a sectarian school since I was 6. Even if I was only in the glee club for about a year, I still sang during masses.


*my cousin - Marie Therese Lambo aka Tsai*

-she was my playmate turned confidant turned piano tutor turned jamming buddy. In high school we were classmates from 1st year till 3rd year and we shared the same interest and liked the same type of music. We were both practicing the guitar and I remember, she was better than me but we really enjoyed jamming. We were so hooked on rock music but we still listen to hiphop and lovesongs. We even put up a band when we were in 2nd year, joined the band showdown and got the 3rd place...At least we were not last. We played Song 2
-its just so sad that she had to let go of the talent that she has...She would have been a great musician and composer because she's also a poet herself. Her words are moving and really convey strong emotions.
to be continued...again...