the tides...

My mood is like the tide, it keeps going up and down...

Right before my cousin left I felt a bit of a rebel. It seemed to me that I was trapped in this cage and the ones who hold the keys are my parents. But after going through the violent battle with myself over which aspects in life I was to put into consideration, I realized I was being selfish. I wasn't being grateful just feeling that way. It dawned me that all they wanted to do is to as much as possible protect me, letting me think twice in making my decisions.

My cousin was right about me being free to make my own decisions but it wouldn't hurt to listen to some advise from the ones who are wiser.

I figured I love my parents too much not to listen. I love them too much not to consider how they feel in every action and decision I make.

As often as my mood changes, so does my heart's decision. At one time I would think that I am falling deep into the pits of this insane longing for him. Then next thing I knew I would tell myself that he's not worth it, he's not worth another heartache, another sad moment, another teardrop... I have not cried for him, I guess I'm that much stronger??? compared to the last time with .... but I keep circling around the entire idea. I'm trying hard not to think of him but I end up dreaming. I'm trying hard not to text him but then end up replying to his joke. I need a diversion, fast...

Anyway, its almost Halloween. Our part of the office is quite eerie already. The morning shift people did a great job at decorating our office and our cubes. Mine's a bit messy, I have try to make it a bit cleaner. But Halloween is supposed to be messy, bloody messy(sounds like an Englishman)! So I think I'll let it be...

I just wish that I can see the true light at the end of the tunnel, not some train that would smash my head or some deadend.

I wish you were here...I don't know who that YOU is...