Rainy Tuesday

the rain pours like tears ever flowing

yet my heart rests at peace

keeping very still

listening to the drops

reminiscing...

good memories

bad ones

they all don't matter

i am living in the now

i am a better person than before

i am stronger, wiser

and yet still full of hope

as i listen to the music you shared

i am once again drawn

to you

to your talent

to the one thing that leads me back

to your talent

to your person

to liking you

more

music i want

more

music i long for

more music

more melody

more of you!

typed this while listening to Emancipator - First Snow.

Guitar Monologue

I read this article in the November issue of Bite magazine and thought I'd make one for my Travis.

We met at her grandma's house, by the terrace where her uncle introduced me to her. You see I came from Thailand but I'm not Thai. I was discovered in a not so recent Asian tour by her namesake. The moment she saw me she hugged my huge body tight and run her fingers through my arm. From then on we had this connection that made us inseparable even if a lot of guys have come by to take her heart and break it. She pounds through me when she's angry and fiddles me when she's inspired. A lot of people loved the music I create but my loyalty sticks with my one and only rock princess. The only fingers that could satisfy the eargasmic music I can resonate are hers and hers alone.  I am hers and she is mine. We are one in music.

~Travis, Bastina's boyfriend~

So how was my weekend?  It was unexpected.  My plans of going jogging and losing a few calories didn't push through.  Apparently there was some emergency that woke me up around 5:21AM.  I wasn't able to go back to sleep because I kept visualizing Wonder Boi's cut finger.  I was late for the exam that I had to facilitate and we even had some technical issues because they didn't prepare the test ahead of time.  I should've gone ahead and printed those tests.  But anyways, the kids (college kids) were cool and I know they were thankful that it was a bit delayed, they still had time to cram.  I was once a crammer!  I should know.  Had lunch with my adopted sister Rona at Brother's Burger after I finished an iced dark mocha at Bo's.  I had a second helping of coffee when I met with Maje, my "classmate in college" as she continually implies on Rona when we met her at Fully Booked rummaging through piles of good read.  I must say, it would be utterly proud of me to even level myself with an aspiring doctor of Philosophy.  I had a good talk with her, catching up, ranting, getting a piece of her mind, giving a piece of mine, nodding and then finally a release of the once burdensome secret.  I was in a state of pure bliss.  We ended the afternoon promising that we would meet again.  I hope she would text me when she goes to Ayala after her class.  My day ended having dinner with my grade school friends.  We hanged out at Coffee bean before that and I ended up walking with Wonder Boi to the office to get Travis.  Strummed and sang again to my heart's content.  That walk made me discover something I shouldn't have.  It makes things complicated.  That night I received a call which makes things even more confusing.  I don't want to listen to my heart this time.  Not yet. I keep telling myself to be logical and realistic.  Hay...Sunday rolled and spent it with mom.  I won't be guilty anymore of not spending enough time with the parents.  We bonded over manipeddy, Jollibee and then Twilight after hearing mass.  I miss hanging out with her.  I promised to take her to New Moon on Friday with my Tita and my cousin Alyssa!

Next week's going to be madness!  Got 2 major events to organize and another upcoming audit.  But I'm once again pumped with adrenaline rush from that phone call...Darn I love hearing his voice...hahaha...Till next weekend!

Best days...

Today was one of the best days of the week. Why?

• I had coffee with Jasmine at Starbucks (yep I'm only 6 stickers away to my very first Starbucks planner). We talked and caught up with all the happenings while she's on her motherly duties to prince Ezri!  The weight I lifted last night weighed tons lighter as soon as I spurted out all my frustrations with work and non-work (if you know what I mean).  Once again she generously shared a piece of her mind on my not so trivial love issues. I just love talking to her and can't help but feel blessed to have such a friend.  I can't wait for our Friday lunch date!
• Someone from my past whom I greatly missed tapped me in the shoulders this afternoon while waiting for my no cream iced coffee to be served.  I was so happy to see my old Philo professor Maje that I instantly hugged her and forgot that I haven't seen her in like 3 years? and she probably would be uncomfortable with me doing so.  But I was just so happy.  She contributed much to my sanity and writing and she practically doesn't have a clue that she made a major impact to how my life is going right now and how I make my decisions.  We'll be having coffee with Maia on Saturday...
• Today I realized I am totally addicted to Tool specifically Maynard's voice.  I posted a link to this song in my facebook account but that was a cover in piano.  I am posting the original by Tool:

Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.

Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys,
Where there's one you're bound to divide it.
Right in two.

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason.
And this is what they choose.
And this is what they choose...

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs,
They forge a blade,
And where there's one
they're bound to divide it,
Right in two.
Right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey.
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs.
They make a club.
And beat their brother, down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.

Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Cut it all right in two [x4]

Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer,
overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun,
over another, Fight...

Angels on the sideline again.
Been soon long with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end.

Cut it all right in two [x3]
RIGHT IN TWO!

Right in two...

• And lastly?  I now realized, the year is ending soon but the best is yet to come!

Somebody Slow Me Down

I just can’t get enough of this:

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

-         Have I been doing this just to divert my attention? To get my head away from thinking of people whom I think doesn’t even know how much they affect my mood, how my day goes, how safe I feel and how peaceful I am when I lay my head down on my pillow.  Thoughts would always come flooding when I am commuting, while listening to my IPOD.  And I drift, somewhere far from the busy buzz of traffic and people.  My heart and my mind are lost in space.  And I wouldn’t even notice that time has passed and I have gone the distance, I have arrived to where my destination is.  Would my life be like this most of the time?  Fast paced occurrences and events fly by like speed of sound and I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy the tune?  I hope not.

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

-         There are just those days when I feel so confused and frustrated that it makes me so cranky I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it.  It’s not that I am irritated with everybody but it’s probably because I don’t know how to explain how I feel.  I always end up having my logic and emotions battle it out.  I don’t like the thought of me explaining myself, my thoughts and feelings to someone who doesn’t even know what the word empathy really means.  Like duh! As if they really want to understand.  Most of the time, people just wants to squeeze the truth out of you because they thrive for gossip and feed on rumors.  My best shield in times like this is to shut up and sleep over it.  It’s safer that way because I usually let my emotions get the worst of me and I end up making a fool of myself.

Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
 

–         I hope this time I’ll take time to know myself with the person whom I’m going to be with.  I’ll take my time in getting to know me when I am with him and especially what I am without him.  I hope that person would be able to see more than the goody-toe-shoes persona that people always mistaken me for.  I hope that he will see beyond me being overbearing, powerful, intimidating and think of me as an ally rather than a prize or a competition.  We are all person, individuals with hopes and dreams who loves and believes.  After almost 6 months of mourning, and 2 months of self expression, am I really ready to fall again?  Am I ready to take that risk again?  Is the person who came in the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place be the one who would be worth getting my heart trampled again?

I am finally able to finish this.  It has been stuck in the drafts in my email.  I stayed till the morning again here in the office.  I hope everything goes well with what I worked late for and I would finally be able to get some decent sleep and get the chance to dream of sneakers. Hehe…I wonder why he always manages to pull me back in when I am about to let go?

I’m going home now because it’s almost 6am!  Time to dream…

what if I die tomorrow, would you mourn for me?

WOULD YOU?

All day I have been tackling with people who seem to be diving down that steep slope of depression.  I talk them out of their insecurities leaving me all worn out and depressed myself.  I knocked my brains out thinking of all the kind and encouraging words I could say...And yet here I am...feeling awfully downtrodden...Feeling emo of all the days...Why?

I wish people could just get of my case of being single.  It's not happening to me.  And there's nothing wrong with me or them or both for that matter it isn't just happening.  It's not that fate is angry with me because it's not letting me be happy.  I am happy most of the time.  I am happy when in a day I am not questioned if I am married or why I am not yet married...Hello? At 25 with a salary of less than 30 grand? I don't think I could afford to have a husband just yet, if you know what I mean!  Then the next irritating question pops up, why don't you have a boyfriend?  Maybe you're too picky!  It's not like I could tap any guy in the shoulder and tell them "Hey dude! I am single and available.  I am a software engineer who knows how to cook, clean and do the laundry.  I also am a fabulous dancer and an aspiring artist.  I am mentally stable with an IQ of more than 120! Wont you be my boyfriend? Please?"  How could I be picky?  I don't have a problem with anybody.  I could get along with any type of crowd.  I might have a problem with smoking before but heck that's just a minor detail.  Truth is, even I don't know the reason why...I've had it with all this relationship sh*t...Life should be more than that, should be more than romance.  It is just part of one's life and other people should understand that not all people are blessed with that kind of grace, to have someone to have and hold.  Missing that aspect in life should not make a person less whole.

On a day such as this it would all boil down to me being contented and grateful with what I have right now, loving dysfunctional united family and friends who wouldn't mind my tagging along and that certain someone who doesn't even have a clue that he completes my day.  I am a simple soul with simple wishes.  Small things could make me happy.  This should not bring my spirit down...

This is just one of those days I wish wouldn't happen again!  I'll probably just sleep over it.

Bonsoir!

OT

I tried posting this last night in the office.  I don't know why it didn't reach blogger...anyway here it goes:

I finished 1 out of 3 Change requests which is due Friday of next week.

My mom’s calling every 5 minutes checking up on me and my friends are asking if I can go out with them tonight.  

Who me? The Cinderella still at the age of 25.  When even if I work late nights I am still monitored.

I don’t want to complain but sometimes this sucks.  Life is should be beyond this.

But then again, my life was has never gone smoothly.

There’s always complications and I am still staying in the same spot.

Had I grown in person? In spirit?

I can’t think straight anymore, drained as always.

I better go home.  Simpler solution leaving everybody happy but me.

Missing you

I am testing whether I can post blogs using this email add.

To: 

Just so you know...

I miss you everyday.

When I wake up in the morning

Till I say my prayer at night

You are all I am thinking of.

And when I walk home at night

While looking at the stars

I wonder...

If whether you'd be able to see

The beauty of the night

Be able to feel the comfort of the wind

And the serenity of my soul...

Just by thinking of you

Just by missing you

Just by knowing you...

Shallow waters

I complained the whole day because I had nothing to do. I was bored out of my wits, trying to study for the certification but nothing sinks in. I tried doing the non-delivery work and checking up on emails from clients to finish off all the tickets. I was done in 10 minutes. Which means I have to find ways to keep myself busy for the next 8 hours and 50 mins.

I walked around, chatted with long time friends who were transferred to a different workforce, catching up and just killing time. Joined a meeting for people engagement activities which was supposed to perk up my afternoon but my mind was still blank.

At 5 in the afternoon, my counterpart emailed me asking if I can finish off 3 designs in less than 2 weeks. OMG! He's chatting with wonder woman. But this was it...This was the break I was waiting for all day. Time difference really sucks, big time. But then again, being as workaholic as I am, I finished off the designs, sent it for review before I could develop it. OT days are here again...I know techy, nerdy stuff. Let's move along...

I got my book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus back. It traveled all the way to and from the land down under. Cool huh? I usually don't mind lending my books to friends and bringing it with them to their travels. I find it sentimental and meaningful that even if I can't go to those places, my books were there...I'm gonna go back to reading it bit by bit every night. I probably could use the knowledge for future reference.

Yesterday was one of the turning points in my life. My feelings, qualms and heart aches are really petty and insensible. This I realized while listening to my new found sister pour out her problems to me. I can feel her pain, frustration and regret. And I sink deeper. Ashamed of the nights I cried praying. The worst part is, although I can feel her remorse, I can't think of any comforting and uplifting words to say. But I was grateful because she trusted me with her life's secrets. And I myself was able to vent out my frustrations without uttering the four letter word...my life is once again taking its melodramatic turn...

So although my reasons & feelings maybe petty but still they are human emotions and at that point where I broke down and cried, I was really crushed. It is but timely to leave all those behind, bury them deep into the earth and forget that I ever shed tears. I am now on back on solid ground ready to be taken by gravity to another dimension. *wink*

Migraine

Why do good people always get hurt? Here I am wishing again to the heavens that the people I care about would be spared, from the devastating heartaches caused by human cruelty. I was listening to Sara Bareilles' Gravity:



And once again got the urge to cry. I am heartbroken because someone is heartbroken and I can't do anything to stop it. As they say getting over someone or something is a process and it needs ample time. One must respect the process. I am getting a headache right now. And someone just told they have brain cancer and needs operation tomorrow...I wish it was just a practical joke. I can't take anymore of this.

Things I need to accomplish by next week:
~prepare my CV
~meet up with Maia
~finish encoding Minsan Ka Lang Iibigin in NotesComposer
~pay for the TM dues
~cover my books
~review the yoga positions
~visit Jasmine and Ezri

What to look forward to?
~date with my sisters

sweet madness

When will I ever learn?I am falling again into the abyss of the unknown.Diving head on.Unknown.Dark.Dangerous.Yet falling still.In your pain.In your smile.In your words.In knowing you.I dive further.Sinking.Drowning in my own admiration.Suffocating on the longing for more.More time.More moments.More words.More knowledge of who you really are.I can't stand still.I am living my life to the fullest.Yet every moment I breathe.Every moment I speak.Every second I smile.My heart skips a beat and I think of you.

Intersection

I just have to blog this...

Today I am beyond euphoric if there was such state. You should've seen my face, I was glowing. I can feel myself glowing and my cheeks burning.

And yet it is all too real, too fast, too much?

Who am I to complain?I have never in my entire life been treated like some precious stone - exaggerating again. But how can I ever describe this day without sounding too much? Nor being to brash about the whole situation. Urggg...I wish I could just sing all of these feelings and put it in a song. A song that I will remember everytime I feel sick and tired of being lonely.

I want to connect the dots but even that is too early to do. This is madness in its sweetest form!

~he never misses to make me smile in every single second of my day.
~he tells me how grateful he is.
~he was genuinely sorry for hurting my feelings...not knowing he was forgiven a long time ago.

Momentum-Killer

I got home early today because as I was typing away on the code that was brilliantly scripted in my brain, the power in the office went out! It was still 6:30 PM. As an obedient employee, since I got in at 8:30 AM I fixed my clock for me to go out at 7:00PM, I know 9 hours seemed too long all of a sudden. Although I turned on my pc back again, I couldn't think straight anymore. It was as if the logic that took me 10 minutes to figure out was wiped away. Darn! But I am grateful, I didn't get to stay in the office till 10PM on a Monday night.

Last 2 weeks ago I had to work from home coz guess what, I got the mumps. I was enjoying the arrangement up until Friday when my migraine begun to suck the life out of me. My fever was manageable however, I kept on vomiting everything that I ate and drank. So I had to be admitted to Chonghua to have fluids thru dextrose. For the first time in my entire life, I was an official patient - the H1N1 scare didn't count coz I was healthy as a horse then. Up until now, I still haven't gotten my appetite back. Everything is either too salty or too sweet. I'm worried coz my love for food is slowly disappearing. That when I finally had the chance to eat at Spice Fusion with college friends the weekend after I got better, the food with all its spices and marinade, was just OK for me. I waited so long to dine at Spice Fusion but to my dismay, it was just normal. Scary!

A lot of momentum-killers; aside from the freakin brownout, no budget, no time and awful people who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I would imagine pulling their tongues out of their mouths before they could even dare to speak and twist it into a tight knot! That should keep them quiet while I try to plan my escape. But, I keep on hearing my friend Kate say to me: Van, be a lady till the end! So I smile and walk away.

Anyway, I am currently trying to look for French lessons online so that all those Saturdays of French lesson won't go to waste. I am still in love with the sound of the language. And my determination to master the language is back. I might someday write a song in French.

Gotta go listen to madamoiselle parle Francaise. Au Revior a bientot!

ICEBOX

I got this ICEBOX where my heart used to be... - Omarion

Did you know that I had a code name when I was in 4th grade? Yep I was so hooked into this football movie: Little Giants that I adopted the girl's name: ICEBOX. And there was only one person who remembered it. He admitted of having a crush on me when we were classmates under Mrs. Montebon's homeroom. Just a little trivia...

Anyway, what have I been up to lately???

Currently I am still working in the same company still doing tons of SAP work specifically only Reports from Reports Interface Conversion Enhancement Form Workflow, so you can see even if I take all the jobs from 3 different countries all at the same time I'm just learning one aspect of SAP. But on the contrary, I am also touching a bit of the functional side, learning as much as I can. I know you can't relate to this so moving on...

I am currently the president of Accenture Cebu Toastmasters Club, Core group for Accenture Cebu Photography Club and Core Group for Accenture Chorale Group Cebu. Whew, I know got my hands full and I am still very interested in teaching in Pasarelle, one of the joint initiative of USC, ACN and the French folks. Gosh I know, when will I ever stop? answer: when I am no longer breathing!

And my best office bud, lunch mate and one and only antagonist in my life: Chibby has got me all worked up with all these dances by Mia Gonzales. She's Japanese but teaches awesome hiphop and jazz. So I am more determined than ever to go to Abellana on a Saturday, jog and put some choreography into the mixes by Pitbull. Especially now, after visiting the clinic this afternoon to my horror I agained 2 pounds...Arrg...but still gratefull, coz I am healthy alive and kicking ass!

Busy busy busy.

Happy happy happy!

Je te desire...****** ~_~

I am Worth A lot

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing
the question:

'What kind of man are you looking for?'

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?'

Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.

She began to expand, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what you can do for me that I can't do for myself?

I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring
to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally
because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I
don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is
a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't
need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I
go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies
and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest
and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must
respect him.

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I
have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will
recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection,
but he will always be drawn to me.



God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he
can't help himself.

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a
lot'.

She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

Trivial

I know its awfully late but I can't sleep. I think I slept too much on the supercat on the way home and when I got home I took a nap again before we attended the 6PM mass.

I am currently opening up to a total stranger. Well he's not entirely a stranger. I met him 13 years ago and didn't see him after the year 1997. We were in the same dance group in 2004 but then parted ways again since he was in a different department. And now surprisingly we are talking about me and my love problems. And then for the first time and the only person who had the guts to point out to me one thing.

Ask yourself why it didn't turn out to be what you wanted!

That's the thing I need to ponder on. And it would probably take me a while to figure it out. And it had to be somebody from my past who just popped out of now where who's going to help me out.

And I think I'm almost back to my old self throwing away the cynicism, living romance again, feeling the words from songs again. Yep that's me, the hopelessly hopefull and romantic me...

And he sings: I WAS BORN TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!

Au revoir a bientot!

Quick ?

Is it too soon to say that I'm going to give LOVE another try?

Everytime

Watched MYX and heard Aiza Seguerra play this with her band. She made a nice rendition of the song. I hope I could sing this someday with Attorney and friends...^_^

I'm afraid, I'm starting to feel
What I said I would not do
The last time really hurt me
I'm scared to fall in love

Afraid to love so fast
'Cause everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime

One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get so all confused
I'm scared to fall in love

Afraid to love so fast
'Cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time
My heart does begin to race everytime

I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
'Cause everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime

It's everytime
It's everytime

'Cause everytime your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
Could it be that this will be the one that lasts?

The fear does start to erase everytime
Oh could it be that this will be the one that lasts
For all my times, oh yeah, for all my times

This will probably be very quick...

We talked, August and I. And I just realized, it is the month of August that I am almost healed. And I felt at peace now, with him and even with myself.

I am living life the way I want to live it, and the way it should be. Although not at all devoid of worries but then I am left without any heartaches now.

I told him I liked somebody else now and he said what if...

I learned my lesson and I say "I'll cross that bridge when I get there!"

And so I fell out of love for August and I am admiring the character of another. They are both the extremes of each other. But who am I to tell, I am still beginning to know. Acting like a spy, taking note of every detail, taking in every information he reveals of himself, deciding whether he's worth another try. Yet I am still, not budging. I am going to enjoy this journey but I will try my very best not to lose myself in the process. I am blessed because I had loads of support to get back on my feet and pick up the shattered pieces. Tearful days are over and Vanelin is once again smiling, beaming, ecstatic, joyful and full of hope!

I wish you were here

So what in the world am I doing this up this late? I am supposedly making my objectives - yes we do this every year in Accenture - but unfortunately firefox doesn't work well with our website.

~lately I have been listening to Incubus again. I heard one of their songs from their Make Yourself album. Then I asked 2 of my friends if they knew how to play it. One heard it and the other one said he does. I am ecstatic! Told him I wish he'd show me so that I could play and he said he would...wohoo...

~lately I have been laughing a lot. Genuine guiltless laughter...and I am grateful.

~lately I have been reading romantic novels again. This one novel seems kinda familiar. Love the One you're with. Not that I have someone to love right now, nor am I with someone, it's just that the character's experiences(not all of them) I can relate to. The making-the-partner-your world kinda thing. It's scary. I hope I won't do it again.

~lately I have been going overtime, working till 10PM even on Mondays. Urggg...I know I am becoming this workaholic. It's just that I work better this way, with tons of work. I feel weak when I don't have anything to do besides read all those computer based trainings.

~and lately, it seems that I care less of what other people think. It's a good thing right? And even if I catch this guy staring at me I have a different view of it now. haha...

My eyes are sore and I want to go to the office early tomorrow. Toodles~!

And yes, everyday I wish he is there...^_^

E-L-A-T-E-D

What make me crazy happy these days? If you could only see me, I'm beaming, jumping up and down, welcoming every defect I can work on even it means staying till morning the following day, singing to myself, smiling while riding the jeepney to and from the office, feeling less hungry, craving for chocolates, urged to strum my guitar more than I should and of course sleep very well at night! Hahaha...I N S P I R A T I O N...

The SAP Cebu Black and White Anniversary Party '09 was a huge success. Everything fell quite well in their places and I wasn't at all that stressed even if I only had 3 hours sleep, not a single crankiness in my system. The stage decoration worked, although at first a lot of people were doubting the idea and yet it turned out to be beautiful. I was able to play the song "Love Story" correctly and danced Jai Ho without tripping on my heels. The food was yummy and no I didn't eat too much however I was able to keep my promise to myself that I would enjoy the rest of the programme and I did. And what's flattering is that I won an award - Best People - and a couple of days after found out from different unexpected people that they had LSS(Last Song Syndrome) on the song that I sang. They said I sang it with passion. The song was unfortunately "Love just ain't enough!". What ever it is that your thinking is not right for me. I was so inspired that night that I was so confident in singing the song and I was ecstatic! A special person inspired me and made me sing the way I sang it! No No No...It wasn't August...It was...nevermind! I'll take Louise's advice this time, keep it quiet. The less fuss I make over this, the better chances of fate to work its magic...hay!

And so I brought my guitar home so that I could practice on some songs since I already got my computer fixed! I also finished reading the book "Love Rosie" by Cecilia Ahern and its a must-read. And you should also try to listen to: A Fine Frenzy, Joanna and Taylor Swift while you're on it!

I thought Facebook's getting quite boring but then again I thought wrong...It gets quite interesting as days pass by.

I'm looking forward to another week of work and kilig moments! hehehe...shhh...keeping it quiet!

Toodles...

Disrupted Plans

To say that my week was such a whirlwind is such an understatement. Anyway this week I've learned to accept that plans, though how neatly they have been, are always bound to change either by circumstance or just by fate. I was supposed to be floating somewhere in Panglao Island by this moment yet I am here typing away infront of my computer, stuck at home watching Boys Over Flowers, reading Sophie Kinsella's "Can you keep a secret?" and giggling over both, doing the notecomposer for Minsan Kitang Iibigin, drafting my gameplan for the evidences we need for our ISMS action plans, making the invitation for our most awaited party come July! I know I have been to Bohol like a gazillion times but then this time its with different people and I'm supposed to have a blast with my cousin Alyssa! But then again, I'm also having a wonderful time at home and oh so loving the weather.

Anyway, so what happened?

Tuesday, around 11:45 AM to be exact, decided to go our HR to get my certificate of employment for my Sun application but since she was on early lunch - and here I thought it should strictly be around 12 noon - so I decided to visit the clinic. Let's go back a bit...Last May 29, my cousins arrived from Manila to spend time with us on our cruise to Pandanon Island. I stayed with them in the hotel to play Uno till the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. Fast forward to last week, as it turned out my cousin was positive of the AH1N1 virus. I told my one and only team mate Fretzy and she adviced me to visit the clinic to inquire as to how to get tested. And so I was sitting there, telling the nurse what happened she totally freaked on me. She then decided to send me to Chonghua Hospital to get tested. And here I was thinking it would just be a swab or two not realizing that I would be confined for 2-3 days or till the results arrived. Imagine a perfectly healthy person inside a private room in a hospital without any visitors allowed. Good thing I had a book and my Ipod with me to keep me sane. The cable TV wouldn't have helped much. And I was absolutely thrilled that my friends from the office kept on ringing my room to fill me in on the juicy details of what happened in the office while I was away. Finally on Thursday, the doctor took pity on me and told me I can go home -and not to tell anybody that she actually suggested it- and that I would just do a self quarantine as long as I wear a freakin mask even in the house. What a relief... I couldn't wait to get out of there. What's funny is on the day that I was about to be discharged for not being sick, a fruit basket with balloons arrived. It was from the company... I was totally embarrassed, mortified at that but grateful still! We gave apples to the nurses. hehehe...

So what have I been doing with the house arrest?

A whole lot of stuff that I was suppposed to be doing a long time ago. And I think I'll arrange my closet again. That should keep me busy.

I didn't realize that posting a seemingly normal status in FB could create quite a stir...hehehe...

Till then! Aurevior a bientot! Hasta Luego!

A return from sabbattical!

I know I was out for more than 2 weeks without prior notice. It's all because my monitor got busted. And I don't know I didn't feel the need to be online that much or that soon...

So what happened for the past 3 weeks or so???

• spent my birthday with 3 of my favorite people in the world, then dinner with dad and mom.
• had dinner with my college friends and new found girlfriends(girlfriends of my friends)
  
• went to Ormoc, Tacloban and Samar in 3 days.
• auditioned for The Cebu Chamber of Singers and got in as a trainee.
• went to Pandanon Island on a yacht.
• learned that I will be loaned to do pure ABAP work on a support project - scary but this is surprisingly what I wanted.

what will happen in a couple of weeks or months:

• will be rolled off. :(
• will be traveling to South Korea in August with Nicky.

The rest is yet to come...What's great is starting the month of May I haven't been shedding useless tears. And starting the month of May, my life has been picking up it's pace and I'm having a blast again!

Life is still beautiful!

Pieces...Of...Me

Yep!I'm slowly picking up the pieces. I'm almost back in my game when all of a sudden I broke down. With just one person, who doesn't even seem to have an idea what I'm going through or what I've been through, who has her own set of issues, seemed to have the power to stir up the bottled feelings inside me. My cheeks were firing up and my head was about to explode. I rushed to the ladies' room, shut the door and poured like the sky did on that day which was yesterday, a Wednesday! Wednesdays are supposed to be awesome by my standards. But yesterday was different. Ashamed, vulnerable, sad, angry and hurt! I thought I had enough bullshit that people are giving me the past couple of weeks. Shoving the truth in my face like I'm some kind of rock who has no feelings. So everyday, every morning I wake saying to myself that "TODAY IS DIFFERENT FROM YESTERDAY, IT WOULD BE BETTER" and yet, there in that place where I need to be, to earn a living, I am faced with nothing but chains, pulling me down. I tried not to care, don't give a damn about what they think or do or say but somehow, these gremlins find their way into my vulnerable spot and there they tear up again the scotch tape that I slowly put on my heart to hold it together. People. Mean people. People, who even ignored are making the purpose of their lives to make someone else's life a living hell! But then again, nothing matters anymore with whatever it is that's going to happen in that place. I am paid to be there. Up until I find a way to get out, I will practice the secret of coping: non-existence. And at the end of the day, all that matters is that I am breathing, my family is happy and God is still in my favor! So I'm glueing the pieces now. Mighty bond it if I must. Wrap it with aluminum foil and put it in a box and then mail it to God. I'm sure He's better at keeping it safe and unscathed. Until someone finds a way through me...I am currently without feelings!

Hasta Luego!

Everything is in its right place

Another day...I don't want to gloat. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to explain why I am angry, sad or depressed. I don't even want to stop smiling. Its crazy!

Motto for the day:

I don't know...I don't care! - by Freedom

I wish it were that easy to be genuinely happy for answered prayers. That is if your answered prayer is for you but no, it had to be perfect for somebody else. And you, you are left, with more questions. It's tiring.

Another heartache, days before my 25th. When will this ever end?

But I still long for HIM! For His presence, for His favor. And now, my prayer changed...

Let me be found!

Yes everything is in its right place. I didn't dream of August before we became friends because he was the ONE for me...I dreamed of August because God wants to awaken my sleeping soul. That was his only purpose in my life...And like any traveler, he moves on. And I travel a different path as well...Hoping, wishing, praying that I'd be found along the way!

And like everything else in this world...feelings are temporary, fleeting with the wind, written in a song, dried tears in pillows. This too shall pass. And it would probably take me a short or a long time to get past this but somehow I am positive that this does not create a permanent mark in my inner most hidden self.

So I thank YOU, whoever you are, for one more day.

I live, I love, I lost, I cry and I love some more!

Wounds That Heal

I am currently attending a counseling class sponsored by Cebu City Alliance Church. Nope its not a Roman Catholic church but a Christian church. Now how did I ever get to know CCAC? To make the long story short, I was invited by my officemates and August...I know, there's always a connection to him.

After all the devastating weeks I've been through, I thought I could never go back. I thought I would be able to drop everything, move on with my life without so much so as glance back with what I have so far accomplished in terms of my spiritual awakening and growth, with the new friends I've found. But then again, the better part of me reconsidered. I couldn't just turn my back on everything and everyone. They're not part of whatever it is that happened between me and August. They don't deserve to be treated that way...And neither am I...

And so I went back to my class, faced my fears head on and I felt better after wards...

I just want to share this poem with you. It was included in the hand outs our teacher: Pastor Ruel gave us and wonderfully, sincerely read by Ate Rhonda:

I was neurotic for years.
I was anxious and depressed and selfish.
And everyone kept telling me how
neurotic I was.

And I resented them,
and I agreed with them,
and I wanted to change,
but I just couldn't bring myself to change,
no matter how hard I tried.

What hurt the most was that my best friend,
also kept telling me how neurotic I was.
He too kept insisting that I change.

Then one day, he said to me, "Don't change.
Stay as you are. It really doesn't matter
whether you change or not. I LOVE YOU
just as you are, I cannot help loving you."


Those words sounded like music to my ears.
"Don't change. Don't change.
Don't change. ...I LOVE YOU."

And I relaxed. And I came alive.
And, oh wondrous marvel, I changed.

Now I know that I couldn't really
change until I found someone who
would love me whether I change
or not.

Amazing isn't it? It brought tears to my eyes and even though we were talking about wounds that night and it was after all a counseling class, I couldn't somehow still let my classmates see me crying and so thankful that I was wearing glasses, I sniffed and wiped them away.

Today I was there standing, listening to August sing the song "The Promise" by Martin Niviera. Its the second time I've heard him sing that. The first time, my heart leaped but the second, my heart died.

Still I believe that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow would even be much better...by God's grace it'll be!

Buenos Noches!

The Return of the Comeback

Just finished reading some of the forums in facebook...It was so much fun reminiscing the happy moments during my grade school days. And I also saw some of our old classmates and school mates - Rachel Anne Navarro, Hannah Candace Sumalinog, Yapi, Ramon Fernandez III, Emmon Pacres, Albien Jake Albina, Antoi and Claire Bulotano. We met up at starbucks in Ayala and sorta jump started the planning of our reunion.

The reunion is just the icing on the cake...Seeing these guys after 12 years is such a happy moment for me. One of the best moments of my life were spent in grade school. And I just realized that some of these people have become such worthwhile friends. Such a blessing...

And its so timely. Because I'm starting over...

I'm planning of going to a lenten recollection. I just feel I'm spiritually deprived. This is still part of my starting over and drastic change...to what extent? I still have no idea... This is hopefully for the better. Better stronger ME...

Love all, trust a few, hurt no one.

Never say...

Never say never coz you never know...

--broken hearted but I'm picking up the pieces one day at a time...
--got tons of support from real friends...I can see every effort of making me feel better and I am grateful believe me...I am thousand times over...
--trying to learn another language again: Spanish...French is too hard without anybody to practice with.
--kinda looking forward to the USC-SGS batch '97 pre-reunion meeting...
--had tons of fun with Cathy and Louise last Friday...
--so happy that my friends are happy and in love...
--reformatted my Workstation once again...
--got a new haircut.

What can I say...my life is full of drama...but it wouldn't be worth writing about if it weren't!


*more blogs to come since I've already replaced my broken keyboard...about time right?and no more guy to keep me away from home!*

Next Stop: CDO

I'm pretty excited with our CDO-Camiguin Trip next week. Finally a break from work. Although its not like I'm too swamped. Its still the start of the year. But with the new project and all, joining the team in the middle of UAT and catching up with learning all the processes, I'm still alive and kicking. I miss multi-tasking. I was born doing it. I can't keep still if I have nothing to do or having to do something that requires less use of my brain. Speaking of brain...I'm finding reasons why I should hold on to this thing that I have with August. My head is battling with my heart and honestly at the end of the day, its this that makes me tired and weary, not work... Definitely not work...It's people.
This travelling happens every February, I noticed. Because last year we went to Boracay on the 15th...And now, finally I'm setting foot in Mindanao.
And I finally got a facebook account. My old pal Johny Vanvoorden from Belguim talked me into getting one. I know very international. hahaha...
Till then, hope to give you more updates and more thoughts or thought provoking questions...
toodles...

I Marvel at the STarS

Took this picture last January 18, 2009. Had the best time taking photos last Sinulog that I didn't mind at all that my feet's killing me, I'm sweating all over and I was like one of those who were trying hard to be dubbed as a photographer.

Started the event walking alone and ended up walking still with August...

Last week was hard, had to talk to iron things out. And now we're hanging in there...He still wants me to stick around and so I will...

Sometimes, the person with the biggest smile has the saddest heart!

Chivalry is not dead!

Chivalry, according to my bestfriend: is the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. In my understanding, if applied to recent times it is when a guy gets out of his way to do small but noticeable acts of being a certified gent like open doors, stay at the danger side of the road while crossing the street, offer to carry our paper bags and many others. When I was in first year college a friend told me that there was an article written about chivalry being dead. And since I decided to take up Engineering, a male dominated world of college, unfortunately I was led to believe that it is sadly so up until I hanged out with Jhe-Ar, Benny, Alain, Ian and Karl. But don't get me wrong, these guys maybe gents in their own right but I had my fair share of teasing from them.
Yesterday, while riding a jeepney to Emall, I saw an old couple about to take the same ride as I was on. The old lady took a step first and while everybody was moving to give her space near the entrance, the old man was assisting her. When they were finally seated, I noticed that the old man was carrying the old lady's purse. I thought to myself, how sweet. Would I also get the princess treatment? Maybe not today...Soon I hope. Then I remember, I do get to be treated queen especially when I'm sad or I teary eyed. I didn't know that ice cream would still comfort me especially when bought by the same person who made me cry trying to make ammends. I know its so childish, that's what I told him. Who ever said we can't be kids again? he said. I know he's trying his best to meet my expectations, not as a lover but as a friend. He does carry my paper bag, not my purse (I'm not that cruel!), and if he remembers he would shift to the danger side of the road or hold my hand when we cross the busy traffic. I have to believe that there is a certain gentle side in him that needs my patience.
Chivalry is not dead, us ladies just need to awaken it from the guys. Give them time and opportunity to show us what they've got as gentlemen!

Happy New Year!