I had the best tears last night. Not because I was sad or depressed but simply because I was in the company of great friends. We had a farewell dinner for Andy who's going to venture to a greener pasture in search for a better career. We began laughing even while were still checking the menu at SIAM up until we bid each other goodbye. And the flashback of wonderful memories from my college years came flashing by. I am so grateful for the best laugh I've had in months and it was all because of the reliable humor of Edu and Kathie, Andy and Lomi(Canence) and Yapi...And most people who has seen me laugh would really know that I have tears at the same time. One memory I had with these people was when we were in 3rd year college and we had a 5 hour break. Going home wasn't an option for me since it would take me an hour and 2 jeepney rides to get to my house. So we hanged out at Ipay's place in AS Fortuna(then) and watch 2 movies. After watching the movie, we then discuss the plot, cinematography and other stuff. Or if we had a test, she would just put on some music, we dance around and then quiz ourselves. And voila, we aced the test. These people are the main reason why I would attest that I love college way better than high school as opposed to the majority who would prefer high school. If I were to rank my years in school I would say college, then grade school and then high school. High school was all drama...erggg...the effect of being stuck in an all girls school...
Anyway, I am mostly busy these days doing some hard core programming stuff...I know you can't probably relate but then I arrive at the office around 30 minutes past 9 and go home 12 hours after - the earliest. I should be able to adjust to the learning curve anytime soon.
And lastly...I think...It is my time...to feel so strongly for someone once again. It's a huge risk actually...But every single day that I know something new about him, he reveals something wonderful in his character that somehow makes him worth it. It's through discovering who he is that makes me realize what I want. I never got the chance to figure out what is really important for me when meeting someone up until now. I am praying for this to work. I am inlove and I'm terrified...
I hope I can get the chance:
-to blog again
-to strum my guitar and sing
-to dance like no body's watching
-to cover my feet with sand and listen to the waves
-to watch a lover's moon
-to smell nature after the rain
-to lie on a beach in Moalboal and watch a dozen falling stars
-to drive around town with rolled down windows and U2 playing
I wonder which ones I can achieve soon...
Friday, April 09, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Long Walks in the Park 1
“30 more minutes and we’re there” shouted our trail guide James as we were stopping over a shade. Then I heard him snicker under his breathe and uttered to himself “plus 2 more hours”. He said further “This trek is just a piece of cake, like taking long walks in the park”. The park that he must have been referring to was probably Central Park in New York or Parke del Retiro in Madrid because our hike from Mantalungon proper to Osmeña peak was no where near taking long walks in the park.
Osmeña Peak is known to be the highest peak in Cebu province. Based on actual GPS altitude, it stands approximately 1000 meters above sea level. It is located in the vicinity of Mantalongon, Dalaguete which is known as both the summer capital as well as the vegetable capital of the province. It’s deemed as the mini Baguio of Cebu.
For me it wasn’t just a hike up the mountains and getting in touch with nature. It was conquering something that I’ve feared of doing for such a long time and which my mother feared for me also. You see I am known to be the one in the family who has a recurring case of asthma. And although the last attack was 12 years ago, I still suffer shortened breathing once in a while. But as I asked for permission to go – I still do at the age of 25 – my mother was hesitant because I might not make it through the entire trip. But as stubborn as I am, I insisted upon going because after all we have been planning this since January. So to rid myself of the worry that I might not finish the trek, I tried packing light and stuck to two walking buddies at the beginning of the hike. Along the rugged path, scorching heat, freezing cold and the rough terrains of the mountains of Mantalungon, I’ve discovered rare gems of personality, strong foundation of friendship and an overflowing bag of realization.
• Take baby steps
It’s my first major climb. My uncle, aunt, cousins and I used to take a walk up San Carlos heights in Pardo but it was summers ago that we did that. And in this trip I learned that I need to take small steps to keep my balance. It is difficult to walk straight if you have a ton of weight on your back especially when walking up a hill with just a tiny pathway to walk upon. To your left you’ll find a steep inclination towards the mountain side or those itchy copra plants and weeds. And to your right is a deep drop of the cliff. So it is best to take tiny sure steps even if it will take you a longer time to get to the next stop. Because if you take a huge one, you might be able to catch your breathing or you might feel that awful sensation in your knee that hinders you from taking another huge step forward. Relating it to the broadness of life, it is but wise to take small continuous steps in pursuing your goal. You might sometimes want to make a huge leap but before you do that you need to check that there’s a rock that you can hold on to in case you slip.
• Look ahead once in a while just to check if you are still following the pack but you must keep your sight on the path that you are taking. The walk ways were tricky in the sense that sometimes even if you step on dry land doesn’t assure you that it’s not slippery. When we got the part called as the half moon on traversing to Kawasan falls, the walk way became more difficult as it became narrower. We were all so tired and I for one am trying to regulate my breathing and trying to disregard the scorching sun making its mark on my nape. I was just lazily following the group when all of a sudden I stepped on loose land, slipped and landed on my right leg. I was so caught up with my breathing that I didn’t pay attention to the ground I was walking on. I got blinded by the sun and then I saw a shadow reached out to extend a helping hand…Was it my night in shining armor ready to rescue a damsel in distress? No… It was a very reliable friend ready to pull me up, check if I was injured and then encouraged me to get back to the game.
• If all else fails, improvise!
What could be worse than joining a trek for the first time in one of the most challenging climbs in my history of outdoor activities than to have both soles of my rubber shoes coming off? We were still 3 or 4 hours away from Kawasan falls when I thought that a branch got stuck on my right shoe. I tried kicking it off and then walked for another 5 minutes and realized that it was not a branch that’s adding weight. It was actually me exerting effort to lift my leg to keep my sole from coming off. I had to stop. And embarrassing as it may seem, admitted to our Manila friends what had happened. I wanted to dissolve to the ground and blend in with nature! Then one of they guys named Jim said not to worry and that it happens all the time. He called out one of the members of Accenture Outdoors club who happened to be my school mate in college to help me tie my shoelace around my shoe to keep the soles from coming off. The trick worked and I was able to reach Kawasan falls with the same shoe now with a new design: blue band aids on both tip and shoe laces holding it together.
During that trek I thought I was the weakling who always needs to stop to catch my breath and slow down my heart beat. But then I wasn’t the only one. We are all humans and although some may have more strength and endurance as me but they are not there to scrutinize.
It was difficult but I was able to reach our destination and didn’t get left behind. Why? Because in every difficult moment, even in the most scariest step, there was always somebody to reach out and pull me up or push my back pack so that I could carry on the weight and take the next step up the mountain. I had someone who would accompany me when I stop and encourage me to move forward. There was also someone who would come looking if ever we lost our way. And lastly there were friends who would sing and whistle to make the hard climb seem like just merely taking a walk in the park.
Osmeña Peak is known to be the highest peak in Cebu province. Based on actual GPS altitude, it stands approximately 1000 meters above sea level. It is located in the vicinity of Mantalongon, Dalaguete which is known as both the summer capital as well as the vegetable capital of the province. It’s deemed as the mini Baguio of Cebu.
For me it wasn’t just a hike up the mountains and getting in touch with nature. It was conquering something that I’ve feared of doing for such a long time and which my mother feared for me also. You see I am known to be the one in the family who has a recurring case of asthma. And although the last attack was 12 years ago, I still suffer shortened breathing once in a while. But as I asked for permission to go – I still do at the age of 25 – my mother was hesitant because I might not make it through the entire trip. But as stubborn as I am, I insisted upon going because after all we have been planning this since January. So to rid myself of the worry that I might not finish the trek, I tried packing light and stuck to two walking buddies at the beginning of the hike. Along the rugged path, scorching heat, freezing cold and the rough terrains of the mountains of Mantalungon, I’ve discovered rare gems of personality, strong foundation of friendship and an overflowing bag of realization.
• Take baby steps
It’s my first major climb. My uncle, aunt, cousins and I used to take a walk up San Carlos heights in Pardo but it was summers ago that we did that. And in this trip I learned that I need to take small steps to keep my balance. It is difficult to walk straight if you have a ton of weight on your back especially when walking up a hill with just a tiny pathway to walk upon. To your left you’ll find a steep inclination towards the mountain side or those itchy copra plants and weeds. And to your right is a deep drop of the cliff. So it is best to take tiny sure steps even if it will take you a longer time to get to the next stop. Because if you take a huge one, you might be able to catch your breathing or you might feel that awful sensation in your knee that hinders you from taking another huge step forward. Relating it to the broadness of life, it is but wise to take small continuous steps in pursuing your goal. You might sometimes want to make a huge leap but before you do that you need to check that there’s a rock that you can hold on to in case you slip.
• Look ahead once in a while just to check if you are still following the pack but you must keep your sight on the path that you are taking. The walk ways were tricky in the sense that sometimes even if you step on dry land doesn’t assure you that it’s not slippery. When we got the part called as the half moon on traversing to Kawasan falls, the walk way became more difficult as it became narrower. We were all so tired and I for one am trying to regulate my breathing and trying to disregard the scorching sun making its mark on my nape. I was just lazily following the group when all of a sudden I stepped on loose land, slipped and landed on my right leg. I was so caught up with my breathing that I didn’t pay attention to the ground I was walking on. I got blinded by the sun and then I saw a shadow reached out to extend a helping hand…Was it my night in shining armor ready to rescue a damsel in distress? No… It was a very reliable friend ready to pull me up, check if I was injured and then encouraged me to get back to the game.
• If all else fails, improvise!
What could be worse than joining a trek for the first time in one of the most challenging climbs in my history of outdoor activities than to have both soles of my rubber shoes coming off? We were still 3 or 4 hours away from Kawasan falls when I thought that a branch got stuck on my right shoe. I tried kicking it off and then walked for another 5 minutes and realized that it was not a branch that’s adding weight. It was actually me exerting effort to lift my leg to keep my sole from coming off. I had to stop. And embarrassing as it may seem, admitted to our Manila friends what had happened. I wanted to dissolve to the ground and blend in with nature! Then one of they guys named Jim said not to worry and that it happens all the time. He called out one of the members of Accenture Outdoors club who happened to be my school mate in college to help me tie my shoelace around my shoe to keep the soles from coming off. The trick worked and I was able to reach Kawasan falls with the same shoe now with a new design: blue band aids on both tip and shoe laces holding it together.
During that trek I thought I was the weakling who always needs to stop to catch my breath and slow down my heart beat. But then I wasn’t the only one. We are all humans and although some may have more strength and endurance as me but they are not there to scrutinize.
It was difficult but I was able to reach our destination and didn’t get left behind. Why? Because in every difficult moment, even in the most scariest step, there was always somebody to reach out and pull me up or push my back pack so that I could carry on the weight and take the next step up the mountain. I had someone who would accompany me when I stop and encourage me to move forward. There was also someone who would come looking if ever we lost our way. And lastly there were friends who would sing and whistle to make the hard climb seem like just merely taking a walk in the park.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Gravedigger
I've been feeling down lately. Simply because once again people have been pushing me to dig the past. The emotions that have long been put away in a crypt somewhere very deep into the ground have been taken out with just a single shovel. I hate it when I'm interrogated or when people force me to answer them with things they want to hear which composes mostly of intrigue. And so last Saturday, in a beach far away from home, I sat facing the waves, crying like somebody died again. MYSELF. I died again...I wonder how many deaths I must surpass to be able to completely rid myself of this awful feeling of remorse. I know someday I might laugh at this post telling myself that I am being emo today. But I was trembling at that night trying to stop the tears from flowing. I was actually communing with God. Feeling his presence through the wind and hearing his voice through the waves. It seems to me that all the frustrations for the past couple of weeks poured down into one major breakdown. If you are wondering why all this drama, Oh well it doesn't have to do with a guy this time. It has to do with disappointments with work. Lately I've been feeling betrayed, useless, helpless and somehow it seems that all the goal that I have set for myself were all washed down the drain. I can't talk about it here. And I even pray every single day that I may have patience and humility. That I may accept the fact that no matter how much work I put into what I was held responsible before, no matter how much the client appreciates my work, I am dispensable. Its so easy to get rid of me. And the sooner I accept that, the sooner I let go of the once loved work that I had established, the easier it is for me to blend into this new team that I will be working with, moving forward. Okay enough with the sourgraping already...
Anyway, I have to make another plan for me. I still need to 2 more years of experience before I can consider venturing out of the country. Wish me luck with this one guys! Hopefully more posts for this March!
Anyway, I have to make another plan for me. I still need to 2 more years of experience before I can consider venturing out of the country. Wish me luck with this one guys! Hopefully more posts for this March!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Terrified
I watched American Idol when I woke up and heard this being sung by one of the contestants...
You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right
Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
This could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back
I could be all that you needed
If you let me try
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
Bridge:
I only said it
'Cause I mean it (ohhhh)
I only mean it
'Cause it's true (ohhhhh)
So don't you doubt
What i've been dreaming
'Cause it keeps me up
It holds me close
Whenever I'm without you
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star o
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
I posted the song in my Facebook profile...I'm beginning to think I'm gonna be singing this song single day...
You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right
Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
This could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back
I could be all that you needed
If you let me try
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
Bridge:
I only said it
'Cause I mean it (ohhhh)
I only mean it
'Cause it's true (ohhhhh)
So don't you doubt
What i've been dreaming
'Cause it keeps me up
It holds me close
Whenever I'm without you
Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star o
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark
And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life
I posted the song in my Facebook profile...I'm beginning to think I'm gonna be singing this song single day...
Friday, February 12, 2010
My Funny Valentine
I know I haven’t blogged since I don’t know when. It’s just that for the past 25 years I have been dreading Valentines Day. Supposedly a hopeless romantic fool like myself would pine on the coming of this day however, I choose to stay home and watch a very nice chic flick just to let the day pass. Probably because I already run the scenes in my head, expecting and then ended up feeling disappointed because none of what I imagined came to reality. Typical. And downright suicidal. But somehow its different for me this year. I have learned my lesson.
This year apart from being able to accomplish most of my to-do’s for the day, I had fun playing the Valentine games in our floor, had a great lunch with my close friend Rhea and for the first time in my entire life received a dozen red roses. I wasn’t expecting anything not because I think of myself as the biggest Valentine loser but simply because for the first time in my entire life too, no one occupies a space in my heart apart from God, family and a few friends. I know, I would’ve told myself I’m not normal for not liking anyone but you know what, it is actually liberating. I am not expecting, I am not always on my toes thinking that I might lose the interest of someone special to me, I am not worrying all the time. I can sleep better at night and I wake up looking forward to another day of productivity and learning.
There’s just one glitch though, the person who gave the flowers didn’t leave any card and told the guard too not to mention where it came from. So I practically have no idea who to thank. I would probably post my thank you note in Facebook just incase that person is one of my friends there.
Anyway, I am currently doing non-delivery work so I might post more blogs moving forward.
Nota bene: To the person who gave the flowers
Thank you so much for being so thoughtful. I love the flowers. You made this year’s valentine memorable. I hope someday I can return the favor. Not give you flowers but make you smile and be happy.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Rainy Tuesday
the rain pours like tears ever flowing
yet my heart rests at peace
keeping very still
listening to the drops
reminiscing...
good memories
bad ones
they all don't matter
i am living in the now
i am a better person than before
i am stronger, wiser
and yet still full of hope
as i listen to the music you shared
i am once again drawn
to you
to your talent
to the one thing that leads me back
to your talent
to your person
to liking you
more
music i want
more
music i long for
more music
more melody
more of you!
typed this while listening to Emancipator - First Snow.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Guitar Monologue
I read this article in the November issue of Bite magazine and thought I'd make one for my Travis.
We met at her grandma's house, by the terrace where her uncle introduced me to her. You see I came from Thailand but I'm not Thai. I was discovered in a not so recent Asian tour by her namesake. The moment she saw me she hugged my huge body tight and run her fingers through my arm. From then on we had this connection that made us inseparable even if a lot of guys have come by to take her heart and break it. She pounds through me when she's angry and fiddles me when she's inspired. A lot of people loved the music I create but my loyalty sticks with my one and only rock princess. The only fingers that could satisfy the eargasmic music I can resonate are hers and hers alone. I am hers and she is mine. We are one in music.
We met at her grandma's house, by the terrace where her uncle introduced me to her. You see I came from Thailand but I'm not Thai. I was discovered in a not so recent Asian tour by her namesake. The moment she saw me she hugged my huge body tight and run her fingers through my arm. From then on we had this connection that made us inseparable even if a lot of guys have come by to take her heart and break it. She pounds through me when she's angry and fiddles me when she's inspired. A lot of people loved the music I create but my loyalty sticks with my one and only rock princess. The only fingers that could satisfy the eargasmic music I can resonate are hers and hers alone. I am hers and she is mine. We are one in music.
~Travis, Bastina's boyfriend~
So how was my weekend? It was unexpected. My plans of going jogging and losing a few calories didn't push through. Apparently there was some emergency that woke me up around 5:21AM. I wasn't able to go back to sleep because I kept visualizing Wonder Boi's cut finger. I was late for the exam that I had to facilitate and we even had some technical issues because they didn't prepare the test ahead of time. I should've gone ahead and printed those tests. But anyways, the kids (college kids) were cool and I know they were thankful that it was a bit delayed, they still had time to cram. I was once a crammer! I should know. Had lunch with my adopted sister Rona at Brother's Burger after I finished an iced dark mocha at Bo's. I had a second helping of coffee when I met with Maje, my "classmate in college" as she continually implies on Rona when we met her at Fully Booked rummaging through piles of good read. I must say, it would be utterly proud of me to even level myself with an aspiring doctor of Philosophy. I had a good talk with her, catching up, ranting, getting a piece of her mind, giving a piece of mine, nodding and then finally a release of the once burdensome secret. I was in a state of pure bliss. We ended the afternoon promising that we would meet again. I hope she would text me when she goes to Ayala after her class. My day ended having dinner with my grade school friends. We hanged out at Coffee bean before that and I ended up walking with Wonder Boi to the office to get Travis. Strummed and sang again to my heart's content. That walk made me discover something I shouldn't have. It makes things complicated. That night I received a call which makes things even more confusing. I don't want to listen to my heart this time. Not yet. I keep telling myself to be logical and realistic. Hay...Sunday rolled and spent it with mom. I won't be guilty anymore of not spending enough time with the parents. We bonded over manipeddy, Jollibee and then Twilight after hearing mass. I miss hanging out with her. I promised to take her to New Moon on Friday with my Tita and my cousin Alyssa!
Next week's going to be madness! Got 2 major events to organize and another upcoming audit. But I'm once again pumped with adrenaline rush from that phone call...Darn I love hearing his voice...hahaha...Till next weekend!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Best days...
Today was one of the best days of the week. Why?
- I had coffee with Jasmine at Starbucks (yep I'm only 6 stickers away to my very first Starbucks planner). We talked and caught up with all the happenings while she's on her motherly duties to prince Ezri! The weight I lifted last night weighed tons lighter as soon as I spurted out all my frustrations with work and non-work (if you know what I mean). Once again she generously shared a piece of her mind on my not so trivial love issues. I just love talking to her and can't help but feel blessed to have such a friend. I can't wait for our Friday lunch date!
- Someone from my past whom I greatly missed tapped me in the shoulders this afternoon while waiting for my no cream iced coffee to be served. I was so happy to see my old Philo professor Maje that I instantly hugged her and forgot that I haven't seen her in like 3 years? and she probably would be uncomfortable with me doing so. But I was just so happy. She contributed much to my sanity and writing and she practically doesn't have a clue that she made a major impact to how my life is going right now and how I make my decisions. We'll be having coffee with Maia on Saturday...
- Today I realized I am totally addicted to Tool specifically Maynard's voice. I posted a link to this song in my facebook account but that was a cover in piano. I am posting the original by Tool:
Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.
Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys,
Where there's one you're bound to divide it.
Right in two.
Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason.
And this is what they choose.
And this is what they choose...
Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs,
They forge a blade,
And where there's one
they're bound to divide it,
Right in two.
Right in two.
Monkey killing monkey killing monkey.
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs.
They make a club.
And beat their brother, down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.
Cut it all right in two [x4]
Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer,
overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun,
over another, Fight...
Angels on the sideline again.
Been soon long with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end.
Cut it all right in two [x3]
RIGHT IN TWO!
Right in two...
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.
Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys,
Where there's one you're bound to divide it.
Right in two.
Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason.
And this is what they choose.
And this is what they choose...
Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs,
They forge a blade,
And where there's one
they're bound to divide it,
Right in two.
Right in two.
Monkey killing monkey killing monkey.
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs.
They make a club.
And beat their brother, down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.
Cut it all right in two [x4]
Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer,
overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun,
over another, Fight...
Angels on the sideline again.
Been soon long with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end.
Cut it all right in two [x3]
RIGHT IN TWO!
Right in two...
- And lastly? I now realized, the year is ending soon but the best is yet to come!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Somebody Slow Me Down
I just can’t get enough of this:
Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
- Have I been doing this just to divert my attention? To get my head away from thinking of people whom I think doesn’t even know how much they affect my mood, how my day goes, how safe I feel and how peaceful I am when I lay my head down on my pillow. Thoughts would always come flooding when I am commuting, while listening to my IPOD. And I drift, somewhere far from the busy buzz of traffic and people. My heart and my mind are lost in space. And I wouldn’t even notice that time has passed and I have gone the distance, I have arrived to where my destination is. Would my life be like this most of the time? Fast paced occurrences and events fly by like speed of sound and I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy the tune? I hope not.
My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
- There are just those days when I feel so confused and frustrated that it makes me so cranky I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it. It’s not that I am irritated with everybody but it’s probably because I don’t know how to explain how I feel. I always end up having my logic and emotions battle it out. I don’t like the thought of me explaining myself, my thoughts and feelings to someone who doesn’t even know what the word empathy really means. Like duh! As if they really want to understand. Most of the time, people just wants to squeeze the truth out of you because they thrive for gossip and feed on rumors. My best shield in times like this is to shut up and sleep over it. It’s safer that way because I usually let my emotions get the worst of me and I end up making a fool of myself.
Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
– I hope this time I’ll take time to know myself with the person whom I’m going to be with. I’ll take my time in getting to know me when I am with him and especially what I am without him. I hope that person would be able to see more than the goody-toe-shoes persona that people always mistaken me for. I hope that he will see beyond me being overbearing, powerful, intimidating and think of me as an ally rather than a prize or a competition. We are all person, individuals with hopes and dreams who loves and believes. After almost 6 months of mourning, and 2 months of self expression, am I really ready to fall again? Am I ready to take that risk again? Is the person who came in the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place be the one who would be worth getting my heart trampled again?
I am finally able to finish this. It has been stuck in the drafts in my email. I stayed till the morning again here in the office. I hope everything goes well with what I worked late for and I would finally be able to get some decent sleep and get the chance to dream of sneakers. Hehe…I wonder why he always manages to pull me back in when I am about to let go?
I’m going home now because it’s almost 6am! Time to dream…
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
what if I die tomorrow, would you mourn for me?
WOULD YOU?
All day I have been tackling with people who seem to be diving down that steep slope of depression. I talk them out of their insecurities leaving me all worn out and depressed myself. I knocked my brains out thinking of all the kind and encouraging words I could say...And yet here I am...feeling awfully downtrodden...Feeling emo of all the days...Why?
I wish people could just get of my case of being single. It's not happening to me. And there's nothing wrong with me or them or both for that matter it isn't just happening. It's not that fate is angry with me because it's not letting me be happy. I am happy most of the time. I am happy when in a day I am not questioned if I am married or why I am not yet married...Hello? At 25 with a salary of less than 30 grand? I don't think I could afford to have a husband just yet, if you know what I mean! Then the next irritating question pops up, why don't you have a boyfriend? Maybe you're too picky! It's not like I could tap any guy in the shoulder and tell them "Hey dude! I am single and available. I am a software engineer who knows how to cook, clean and do the laundry. I also am a fabulous dancer and an aspiring artist. I am mentally stable with an IQ of more than 120! Wont you be my boyfriend? Please?" How could I be picky? I don't have a problem with anybody. I could get along with any type of crowd. I might have a problem with smoking before but heck that's just a minor detail. Truth is, even I don't know the reason why...I've had it with all this relationship sh*t...Life should be more than that, should be more than romance. It is just part of one's life and other people should understand that not all people are blessed with that kind of grace, to have someone to have and hold. Missing that aspect in life should not make a person less whole.
On a day such as this it would all boil down to me being contented and grateful with what I have right now, loving dysfunctional united family and friends who wouldn't mind my tagging along and that certain someone who doesn't even have a clue that he completes my day. I am a simple soul with simple wishes. Small things could make me happy. This should not bring my spirit down...
This is just one of those days I wish wouldn't happen again! I'll probably just sleep over it.
Bonsoir!
All day I have been tackling with people who seem to be diving down that steep slope of depression. I talk them out of their insecurities leaving me all worn out and depressed myself. I knocked my brains out thinking of all the kind and encouraging words I could say...And yet here I am...feeling awfully downtrodden...Feeling emo of all the days...Why?
I wish people could just get of my case of being single. It's not happening to me. And there's nothing wrong with me or them or both for that matter it isn't just happening. It's not that fate is angry with me because it's not letting me be happy. I am happy most of the time. I am happy when in a day I am not questioned if I am married or why I am not yet married...Hello? At 25 with a salary of less than 30 grand? I don't think I could afford to have a husband just yet, if you know what I mean! Then the next irritating question pops up, why don't you have a boyfriend? Maybe you're too picky! It's not like I could tap any guy in the shoulder and tell them "Hey dude! I am single and available. I am a software engineer who knows how to cook, clean and do the laundry. I also am a fabulous dancer and an aspiring artist. I am mentally stable with an IQ of more than 120! Wont you be my boyfriend? Please?" How could I be picky? I don't have a problem with anybody. I could get along with any type of crowd. I might have a problem with smoking before but heck that's just a minor detail. Truth is, even I don't know the reason why...I've had it with all this relationship sh*t...Life should be more than that, should be more than romance. It is just part of one's life and other people should understand that not all people are blessed with that kind of grace, to have someone to have and hold. Missing that aspect in life should not make a person less whole.
On a day such as this it would all boil down to me being contented and grateful with what I have right now, loving dysfunctional united family and friends who wouldn't mind my tagging along and that certain someone who doesn't even have a clue that he completes my day. I am a simple soul with simple wishes. Small things could make me happy. This should not bring my spirit down...
This is just one of those days I wish wouldn't happen again! I'll probably just sleep over it.
Bonsoir!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
OT
I tried posting this last night in the office. I don't know why it didn't reach blogger...anyway here it goes:
I finished 1 out of 3 Change requests which is due Friday of next week.
My mom’s calling every 5 minutes checking up on me and my friends are asking if I can go out with them tonight.
Who me? The Cinderella still at the age of 25. When even if I work late nights I am still monitored.
I don’t want to complain but sometimes this sucks. Life is should be beyond this.
But then again, my life was has never gone smoothly.
There’s always complications and I am still staying in the same spot.
Had I grown in person? In spirit?
I can’t think straight anymore, drained as always.
I better go home. Simpler solution leaving everybody happy but me.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Missing you
I am testing whether I can post blogs using this email add.
To:
Just so you know...
I miss you everyday.
When I wake up in the morning
Till I say my prayer at night
You are all I am thinking of.
And when I walk home at night
While looking at the stars
I wonder...
If whether you'd be able to see
The beauty of the night
Be able to feel the comfort of the wind
And the serenity of my soul...
Just by thinking of you
Just by missing you
Just by knowing you...
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Shallow waters
I complained the whole day because I had nothing to do. I was bored out of my wits, trying to study for the certification but nothing sinks in. I tried doing the non-delivery work and checking up on emails from clients to finish off all the tickets. I was done in 10 minutes. Which means I have to find ways to keep myself busy for the next 8 hours and 50 mins.
I walked around, chatted with long time friends who were transferred to a different workforce, catching up and just killing time. Joined a meeting for people engagement activities which was supposed to perk up my afternoon but my mind was still blank.
At 5 in the afternoon, my counterpart emailed me asking if I can finish off 3 designs in less than 2 weeks. OMG! He's chatting with wonder woman. But this was it...This was the break I was waiting for all day. Time difference really sucks, big time. But then again, being as workaholic as I am, I finished off the designs, sent it for review before I could develop it. OT days are here again...I know techy, nerdy stuff. Let's move along...
I got my book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus back. It traveled all the way to and from the land down under. Cool huh? I usually don't mind lending my books to friends and bringing it with them to their travels. I find it sentimental and meaningful that even if I can't go to those places, my books were there...I'm gonna go back to reading it bit by bit every night. I probably could use the knowledge for future reference.
Yesterday was one of the turning points in my life. My feelings
, qualms and heart aches are really petty and insensible. This I realized while listening to my new found sister pour out her problems to me. I can feel her pain, frustration and regret. And I sink deeper. Ashamed of the nights I cried praying. The worst part is, although I can feel her remorse, I can't think of any comforting and uplifting words to say. But I was grateful because she trusted me with her life's secrets. And I myself was able to vent out my frustrations without uttering the four letter word...my life is once again taking its melodramatic turn...
So although my reasons & feelings maybe petty but still they are human emotions and at that point where I broke down and cried, I was really crushed. It is but timely to leave all those behind, bury them deep into the earth and forget that I ever shed tears. I am now on back on solid ground ready to be taken by gravity to another dimension. *wink*
I walked around, chatted with long time friends who were transferred to a different workforce, catching up and just killing time. Joined a meeting for people engagement activities which was supposed to perk up my afternoon but my mind was still blank.
At 5 in the afternoon, my counterpart emailed me asking if I can finish off 3 designs in less than 2 weeks. OMG! He's chatting with wonder woman. But this was it...This was the break I was waiting for all day. Time difference really sucks, big time. But then again, being as workaholic as I am, I finished off the designs, sent it for review before I could develop it. OT days are here again...I know techy, nerdy stuff. Let's move along...
I got my book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus back. It traveled all the way to and from the land down under. Cool huh? I usually don't mind lending my books to friends and bringing it with them to their travels. I find it sentimental and meaningful that even if I can't go to those places, my books were there...I'm gonna go back to reading it bit by bit every night. I probably could use the knowledge for future reference.
Yesterday was one of the turning points in my life. My feelings
, qualms and heart aches are really petty and insensible. This I realized while listening to my new found sister pour out her problems to me. I can feel her pain, frustration and regret. And I sink deeper. Ashamed of the nights I cried praying. The worst part is, although I can feel her remorse, I can't think of any comforting and uplifting words to say. But I was grateful because she trusted me with her life's secrets. And I myself was able to vent out my frustrations without uttering the four letter word...my life is once again taking its melodramatic turn...So although my reasons & feelings maybe petty but still they are human emotions and at that point where I broke down and cried, I was really crushed. It is but timely to leave all those behind, bury them deep into the earth and forget that I ever shed tears. I am now on back on solid ground ready to be taken by gravity to another dimension. *wink*
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Migraine
Why do good people always get hurt? Here I am wishing again to the heavens that the people I care about would be spared, from the devastating heartaches caused by human cruelty. I was listening to Sara Bareilles' Gravity:
And once again got the urge to cry. I am heartbroken because someone is heartbroken and I can't do anything to stop it. As they say getting over someone or something is a process and it needs ample time. One must respect the process. I am getting a headache right now. And someone just told they have brain cancer and needs operation tomorrow...I wish it was just a practical joke. I can't take anymore of this.
Things I need to accomplish by next week:
~prepare my CV
~meet up with Maia
~finish encoding Minsan Ka Lang Iibigin in NotesComposer
~pay for the TM dues
~cover my books
~review the yoga positions
~visit Jasmine and Ezri
What to look forward to?
~date with my sisters
And once again got the urge to cry. I am heartbroken because someone is heartbroken and I can't do anything to stop it. As they say getting over someone or something is a process and it needs ample time. One must respect the process. I am getting a headache right now. And someone just told they have brain cancer and needs operation tomorrow...I wish it was just a practical joke. I can't take anymore of this.
Things I need to accomplish by next week:
~prepare my CV
~meet up with Maia
~finish encoding Minsan Ka Lang Iibigin in NotesComposer
~pay for the TM dues
~cover my books
~review the yoga positions
~visit Jasmine and Ezri
What to look forward to?
~date with my sisters
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
sweet madness
When will I ever learn?I am falling again into the abyss of the unknown.Diving head on.Unknown.Dark.Dangerous.Yet falling still.In your pain.In your smile.In your words.In knowing you.I dive further.Sinking.Drowning in my own admiration.Suffocating on the longing for more.More time.More moments.More words.More knowledge of who you really are.I can't stand still.I am living my life to the fullest.Yet every moment I breathe.Every moment I speak.Every second I smile.My heart skips a beat and I think of you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Intersection
I just have to blog this...Today I am beyond euphoric if there was such state. You should've seen my face, I was glowing. I can feel myself glowing and my cheeks burning.
And yet it is all too real, too fast, too much?
Who am I to complain?I have never in my entire life been treated like some precious stone - exaggerating again. But how can I ever describe this day without sounding too much? Nor being to brash about the whole situation. Urggg...I wish I could just sing all of these feelings and put it in a song. A song that I will remember everytime I feel sick and tired of being lonely.
I want to connect the dots but even that is too early to do. This is madness in its sweetest form!
~he never misses to make me smile in every single second of my day.
~he tells me how grateful he is.
~he was genuinely sorry for hurting my feelings...not knowing he was forgiven a long time ago.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Momentum-Killer
I got home early today because as I was typing away on the code that was brilliantly scripted in my brain, the power in the office went out! It was still 6:30 PM. As an obedient employee, since I got in at 8:30 AM I fixed my clock for me to go out at 7:00PM, I know 9 hours seemed too long all of a sudden. Although I turned on my pc back again, I couldn't think straight anymore. It was as if the logic that took me 10 minutes to figure out was wiped away. Darn! But I am grateful, I didn't get to stay in the office till 10PM on a Monday night.
Last 2 weeks ago I had to work from home coz guess what, I got the mumps. I was enjoying the arrangement up until Friday when my migraine begun to suck the life out of me. My fever was manageable however, I kept on vomiting everything that I ate and drank. So I had to be admitted to Chonghua to have fluids thru dextrose. For the first time in my entire life, I was an official patient - the H1N1 scare didn't count coz I was healthy as a horse then. Up until now, I still haven't gotten my appetite back. Everything is either too salty or too sweet. I'm worried coz my love for food is slowly disappearing. That when I finally had the chance to eat at Spice Fusion with college friends the weekend after I got better, the food with all its spices and marinade, was just OK for me. I waited so long to dine at Spice Fusion but to my dismay, it was just normal. Scary!
A lot of momentum-killers; aside from the freakin brownout, no budget, no time and awful people who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I would imagine pulling their tongues out of their mouths before they could even dare to speak and twist it into a tight knot! That should keep them quiet while I try to plan my escape. But, I keep on hearing my friend Kate say to me: Van, be a lady till the end! So I smile and walk away.
Anyway, I am currently trying to look for French lessons online so that all those Saturdays of French lesson won't go to waste. I am still in love with the sound of the language. And my determination to master the language is back. I might someday write a song in French.
Gotta go listen to madamoiselle parle Francaise. Au Revior a bientot!
Last 2 weeks ago I had to work from home coz guess what, I got the mumps. I was enjoying the arrangement up until Friday when my migraine begun to suck the life out of me. My fever was manageable however, I kept on vomiting everything that I ate and drank. So I had to be admitted to Chonghua to have fluids thru dextrose. For the first time in my entire life, I was an official patient - the H1N1 scare didn't count coz I was healthy as a horse then. Up until now, I still haven't gotten my appetite back. Everything is either too salty or too sweet. I'm worried coz my love for food is slowly disappearing. That when I finally had the chance to eat at Spice Fusion with college friends the weekend after I got better, the food with all its spices and marinade, was just OK for me. I waited so long to dine at Spice Fusion but to my dismay, it was just normal. Scary!
A lot of momentum-killers; aside from the freakin brownout, no budget, no time and awful people who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I would imagine pulling their tongues out of their mouths before they could even dare to speak and twist it into a tight knot! That should keep them quiet while I try to plan my escape. But, I keep on hearing my friend Kate say to me: Van, be a lady till the end! So I smile and walk away.
Anyway, I am currently trying to look for French lessons online so that all those Saturdays of French lesson won't go to waste. I am still in love with the sound of the language. And my determination to master the language is back. I might someday write a song in French.
Gotta go listen to madamoiselle parle Francaise. Au Revior a bientot!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
ICEBOX
I got this ICEBOX where my heart used to be... - Omarion
Did you know that I had a code name when I was in 4th grade? Yep I was so hooked into this football movie: Little Giants that I adopted the girl's name: ICEBOX. And there was only one person who remembered it. He admitted of having a crush on me when we were classmates under Mrs. Montebon's homeroom. Just a little trivia...
Anyway, what have I been up to lately???
Currently I am still working in the same company still doing tons of SAP work specifically only Reports from Reports Interface Conversion Enhancement Form Workflow, so you can see even if I take all the jobs from 3 different countries all at the same time I'm just learning one aspect of SAP. But on the contrary, I am also touching a bit of the functional side, learning as much as I can. I know you can't relate to this so moving on...
I am currently the president of Accenture Cebu Toastmasters Club, Core group for Accenture Cebu Photography Club and Core Group for Accenture Chorale Group Cebu. Whew, I know got my hands full and I am still very interested in teaching in Pasarelle, one of the joint initiative of USC, ACN and the French folks. Gosh I know, when will I ever stop? answer: when I am no longer breathing!
And my best office bud, lunch mate and one and only antagonist in my life: Chibby has got me all worked up with all these dances by Mia Gonzales. She's Japanese but teaches awesome hiphop and jazz. So I am more determined than ever to go to Abellana on a Saturday, jog and put some choreography into the mixes by Pitbull. Especially now, after visiting the clinic this afternoon to my horror I agained 2 pounds...Arrg...but still gratefull, coz I am healthy alive and kicking ass!
Busy busy busy.
Happy happy happy!
Je te desire...****** ~_~
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I am Worth A lot
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing
the question:
'What kind of man are you looking for?'
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?'
Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.
She began to expand, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what you can do for me that I can't do for myself?
I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.
I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring
to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally
because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I
don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is
a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't
need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I
go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies
and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest
and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must
respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I
have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will
recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection,
but he will always be drawn to me.
God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he
can't help himself.
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a
lot'.
She replied, "I'm worth a lot".
the question:
'What kind of man are you looking for?'
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?'
Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.
She began to expand, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what you can do for me that I can't do for myself?
I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.
I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring
to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally
because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I
don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is
a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't
need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I
go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies
and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest
and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must
respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I
have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will
recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection,
but he will always be drawn to me.
God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he
can't help himself.
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a
lot'.
She replied, "I'm worth a lot".
Monday, August 24, 2009
Trivial
I know its awfully late but I can't sleep. I think I slept too much on the supercat on the way home and when I got home I took a nap again before we attended the 6PM mass.
I am currently opening up to a total stranger. Well he's not entirely a stranger. I met him 13 years ago and didn't see him after the year 1997. We were in the same dance group in 2004 but then parted ways again since he was in a different department. And now surprisingly we are talking about me and my love problems. And then for the first time and the only person who had the guts to point out to me one thing.
Ask yourself why it didn't turn out to be what you wanted!
That's the thing I need to ponder on. And it would probably take me a while to figure it out. And it had to be somebody from my past who just popped out of now where who's going to help me out.
And I think I'm almost back to my old self throwing away the cynicism, living romance again, feeling the words from songs again. Yep that's me, the hopelessly hopefull and romantic me...
And he sings: I WAS BORN TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!
Au revoir a bientot!
I am currently opening up to a total stranger. Well he's not entirely a stranger. I met him 13 years ago and didn't see him after the year 1997. We were in the same dance group in 2004 but then parted ways again since he was in a different department. And now surprisingly we are talking about me and my love problems. And then for the first time and the only person who had the guts to point out to me one thing.
Ask yourself why it didn't turn out to be what you wanted!
That's the thing I need to ponder on. And it would probably take me a while to figure it out. And it had to be somebody from my past who just popped out of now where who's going to help me out.
And I think I'm almost back to my old self throwing away the cynicism, living romance again, feeling the words from songs again. Yep that's me, the hopelessly hopefull and romantic me...
And he sings: I WAS BORN TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!
Au revoir a bientot!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)