Merry Christmas Darling...

so its the day for the eve of Christmas (am I right?) and yet i don't feel as if its the holidays...its not like before, 2 days before christmas me and my cousins all gather up in the "big house", baking, wrapping gifts and preparing for whatever it is we're planing to do on christmas eve...but then now, i don't know i feel so empty and unprepared. like its not that special anymore...
maybe its because our family's incomplete...my uncle linus is not around to give us the laughs and cheers, my aunt digna and ping is somewhere in reno diggin their own party...and molly, sweet molly is off having christmas with her new family...it makes me completely sad and lost...
but then again, i should be grateful...Why?because apart from the fact that many of my loved ones left for different reasons, my immediate family is sticking around...my dad still drinks alot but now that im 21, i kinda understand why...i don't question his motives anymore but once again thank God that he still lives despite of the booze and cigarettes...my mom still thinks im this kid who needs to be monitored but if she wasn't doing that i'd definitely be lost...my brother still nags my head off...but then i learned patience from him...what a family huh...oh well...there's still a lot of things to be grateful for...i think im still lucky to have them than having no family at all...
and here i am contemplating on my pathetic lovelife...im not heart broken anymore...i just feel empty...its as if this void exists because it needs to be filled up...and the very person who i think would be the perfect remedy to this crazy loneliness doesn't even seem to care...yes we are friends...are we close, it depends on how you define close! question is: am i smitten? well up to now, i still don't know...why? because up to now i haven't fully understood or found myself in the verge of loving or falling in love...
so my conclusion to all of this is that: well, i must admit i haven't really gotten into that stage of staying in love...yes i have fallen but after a couple of months or weeks even, i'd bounce back to my sanity...
i'll miss him over the christmas break, i'm not sure if we'll communicate!you see im not one of the most important persons in his life...but right now, he's one of mine...^_^

have a very merry christmas everyone and a blessed new year...

love you! mwaah mwaah mwaah

Wish LiSt 1

my wish list:

the material version 1:

1.) a cute belt
2.) black or purple new craze flipflops
3.) a pair of star earings
4.) purple or green ballet shoes
5.) new cellphone hehehe:)
6.) digital cam 3 megapixel would be okay
7.) tank tops
8.) chronicles of narnia book
9.) a purple long beaded necklace
10.) a fiona apple cd (new album)

well thats the first part...^_^

POST RETREAT VANESSA...

It has been 2 days after our Batch Retreat...I am at peace with the two people i ignored, avoided and feared...It was better than probably making out with my crush...yeah as if I knew the feeling, unfortunately at 21 I'm still a virgin lips...hahaha...Like Drew said in 50 First dAtes "nothing beats the first kiss"! And so anyway, I told him that I really liked him but you know what, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I did actually love him...It was hard to say the word love. For me it would seem as if I'm extremely hopeless and void of inspiration. Oh well, the only consolation to my very "Loser" act is that in spite of me crying, I aslo saw tears in his eyes...maybe because of pity, I don't know. I don't actually read minds especially his...after the weeping and feeling of emptiness comes an unexpected candle from my constant bickering buddy!hehehe...didn't expect him to give me one...^_^ and the night ended with a deep realization that "God does exist", that time does heal, that I am not a cynic, that I couldn't stay angry for a very long time and that I am now free of any pain and anger that I tried to eradicate but eventually shadowed my mornings. I was so happy, taking pictures with friends and schoolmates that I ended up gulping the gin my classmate handed over. It was only one shot then I got into the shower before enjoying the night singing and taking more pictures...I even got a great massage from someone unexpected. The following day, with uplifted spirits, I honestly wrote to my batchmates what I actually see in them. Its hard to describe someone in writing, its even harder to listen to all those complements they told me during our "Circle of Life" session where one plays Zacheus and the other Jesus.

^_^bing told me however not think too much of **** but rather enjoy every second I spend with him even if it means putting up with all those stories of girls I know and girls I do not know of, even if it means that I have to keep on retracting every teasing he'll throw at me and even if I lead him to still believe that I like this guy that eventually is way far from the person that he is.

^_^hanging out with him and accepting all that he is makes me realize that I like him even more. He is truly one in a million...

^_^once again I have so much to tell...
^_^once again I have a reason to smile more often than usual...
^_^once again I am urged to write songs...
^_^and finally once again I am slowly believing that God does create wonderful Love stories in HIs time...

Peace out!

So what am I feeling these days?

More of jitters...

our group's project will be checked on Feb. 27, 2006 9:30 am to be exact...

we don't communicate that much anymore...

violence still exists in tc...

i have this bad feeling that what happened last december will happen this december...

once again paranoia sets in...

Without music life would be a mistake.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

good morning...

its 9:12 and my mind is spinning on ideas and things to do...haven't had break fast yet and here i am browsing the net already...i was kind curious of something when i woke up this morning...if you're asking what it is just ask me personally...its kinda personal...

anyway, im looking for ideas from different philosophies...i don't know where the interest came from but i think i'll study camus, kant and the others again...

i've been browsing pictures in friendster and it hit me...I AM MOVING ON! the feeling is not there anymore...im not even numb anymore! i guess that's great considering we'll be graduating soon, God willing...

anyway, i know i kinda promised myself i'll blog more often...il try that...

have to go though...i still have some stuff to do...

important thing is, somebody makes me smile in the morning again!

Thank you Lord!

some things are just out of my control and it sucks, it really does... but then I am grateful that they are...

God always has a reason for everything...

Dragonslayer

After such a long time Im going back to slaying dragons again...I have contemplated so many times of writing my thoughts but then most of the time, the most amazing realization comes when I am riding the jeepney or when I'm walking...I wonder what triggers these thoughts?

Anyway, I decided to blog at least 3 times a week...hahaha...as if I have internet when I move back to the apartment...

So why am I grateful today?

First of all: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN ANOTHER DAY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD!

...I finally have all my schedules for my classes which by the way only falls on MWF and one Saturday class for my Software Engineering. It took me 4 hours to get it done. Lots of lines to cut...hahaha...

...I saw Maje today and wow, I can't believe how much I miss her classes and reading her ideas in her blogspot. She just makes so much sense that it would seem as if she's writing my thoughts too...Weird isn't it? Well she asked me how things were and even brought up someone's name but then I was happy with things and finally I have let go of all the feelings of remorse that used to reside. I am glad and grateful I got through that "white squall".

...I saw my grades from the previous semester and well they're not that bad. I am thankful to all my teachers. I got through without sucking up!hahaha

...And finally the manipulators and balancers went to Don Bosco for the fabrication of their prototype and luckily they were interested in creating the 2-link arm manipulator and the ball beam balancer. That took a whole lot of weight from our shoulders...

I realized that I'm really that much into him. I mean yeah, he's nice and all!Well not just nice but a guy who possess the long gone chivalry of every male specie! That is the one thing that got me hooked! But then why is it that when I close my eyes I cannot imagine his face clearly! Yes I do miss him and hanging out and all...but then when we meet and talk, everything seems normal...Its not that normal is not good but then I don't feel the SPARKS! hahaha... I think I was just lonely...but right now that my mind is totally occupied with projects and I'm mainly surrounded by friends even on the net (kept going online and chat with Maia and Marecor!), I don't feel too depressed or deprived of care and love! haahaha...

Ah so okay, I AM NOT REALLY INTO HIM! There I have finally accepted it...

My adviser Luis emailed this to me, its nice and well worth blogging:

5 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About


1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

So the question now is, on graduation day, hopefully and God-willing, this coming March, who will I approach and Kiss?

Go figure!

IM BACK FROM THE GRAVE

There's absolutely no way you won't either fall in love for the first time now, or fall in love again with your long-term partner. Regardless, enjoy it -- either way, we all want to feel that way. Why argue when it happens?

That is my horoscope for tomorrow but Oh my, it like very timely since I don't know I have been feeling kinda like FALLING right now! OOH here I go again!

TRUTH: I'm moving on...

So falling inlove for the first time?what like those past times that I felt the IT thing wasn't real?

Im watching or half watching Jack and Bobby and caught a little glimpse of Gilmore Girls.My all time fave Saturday series...

Finished the last exams this afternoon. And finally passed our revised documents to Engr. Bandalan. We were the first group to pass our revisions. We were supposed to pass it 8 days after our grade in ComE 513 comes out which will be on Monday. But our panel wants us to submit our revised documents supposedly yesterday but she knows we were packed with exams since it was all her subjects. All that's left for me to do for this semester is our ComE 51C project.

Been around great people lately...persons who have wonderful character that also influences my views in life and has been my source of strength and laughter lately...

Aside from my all time fave housemates, fame-kate-trina-feona-the its, there's ian_hege and louise, alain and cathy, karl, benny, tonet, stanley, filden and sir luis...my groupies for the project proposal.

i hope we could keep the laughter coming...

and as for my distraction:

the lychen is vulnerable
and in his utmost distress
with that sad look in his face
i long to hold him
be the remedy that would ease the pain
but im just a rock
who'll listen to his demise
and whom he leans on to
i could not speak
what is in my heart to speak
i will be here
for him and be his rock
if he'll let me

plum13v

August 29, 2005 National Hero's Day NO CLASSES!

This song plays over and over again in my mind! I don't know why!
IM going to the apartment this afternoon...so I'll probably be gone for like a week...
Someone unexpected is on my mind lately and it seems that once again, FRIENDSHIP is in my way...But then again, I'll just enjoy whatever it is that's gonna happen...

Can't get enough of his teasing that I miss it when he's gone...
Don't want to think that something special
Can come out of this
My heart is still mending
It can't take more lies or pretendings
But I can't help being happy when he's around
even if he makes fun of me...
As long as we're talking
And he knows Im here
I'm in Cloud 9!


"Sleeps With Butterflies"

Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you unless you have a net

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

Balloons
Look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
Upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly boy

What's on my mind right now?

Let me see, because of the many things to do, I don't have a single idea what to do first...

Moving out of the house this Sunday...Got to do a bit of shopping coz we need tons of stuff there...hope everything would work out fine for us...

ComE 514 project...I didn't realize how powerful matlab is up until now...

In a couple of days we're gonna start with our Proposal...data gathering, research and the like...

ComE 51C class...being project manager gives me the creeps...I mean its a huge job and well I was flattered when our teacher gave me the task but then I need to give all I've got to meet her expectations...

And you know what, in reality, this semester is the most crucial of all...We need to pass our ComE 514, 511 and 512 lecture and laboratory class to be able to graduate this March...

Too much pressure...Can I make it?

This is quite interesting because I took this test and well here's my result...It kinda says that I'm afraid of marriage...well as of now I'm not...eventhough I haven't seen or met my soulmate yet, I'm looking forward to getting married someday...but not now...got lots of things to accomplish before entering that stage...

Why am I writing again?

Well for one my teacher in Philo 36 and Philo 25 inspired me to do so...how? well I visited her site and kinda nodded my head on the reality and sensibility of her words...It was as if she was talking for my sake coz everything she wrote made sense to me and it was something that I could relate to...It kinda made me realize that I miss her and her company and her words...She's a great teacher and I think she's like Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society for me...and Im her student...well I was but not anymore...But I know I will keep on learning through her words...If her favorite philosopher is Immanuel Kant, well she is mine...hehehe:)

Anyway, the second reason is that I just want to share that I'm kinda enjoying my days...my hopefully final year in college...why?coz I'm having great company and because I have so many things to do, exams to study for, chores to accomplish, that I have no time to worry or to get depressed and remember the not so far past...And I'm singing once again in Church...and it feels so good to sing for God! It brings out the voice that's long hidden inside me...and it uplifts my spirit that all the bad feelings I have would eventually be vanished...

You should try it sometime, sing your heart out for God!It really is better than singing on stage with a standing ovasion and an encore!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I visited one amazing blog site and she wrote this and it hit me...I really needed a message from someone to uplift my spirits...God bless the one who posted this...

"Be faithful eventho the nature of everything around us is to cause us to be unfaithful......."



Do more than exist. Live.

Do more than hear. Listen.

Do more than agree. Cooperate.

Do more than grow. Bloom.

Do more than spend. Invest.

Do more than think. Create.

Do more than work. Excel.

Do more than share. Give.

Do more than decide. Discern.

Do more than consider. Commit.

Do more than forgive. Forget.

Do more than help. Serve.

Do more than coexist. Reconcile.

Do more than sing. Worship.

Do more than think. Plan.

Do more than dream. Do.

Do more than see. Percieve.

Do more than read. Apply.

Do more than recieve. Reciprocate.

Do more than choose. Focus.

Do more than wish. Believe.

Do more than advise. Help.

Do more than speak. Impart.

Do more than encourage. Inspire.

Do more than add. Multiply.

Do more than change. Improve.

Do more than reach. Stretch.

Do more than ponder. Pray.

Do more than just live.


I hope I shared something of value to you and that it may be able to guide you in these times of chaos...

1. What color is most reflective of you?
-- purple

2. How did you get the idea for your
friendster name?
--it's my real name

3.What time were you born?
-- around 1:10 am

4.What song are you playing now, or wish
you were playing?
-- MYMP

5. Has the death of a celebrity ever made
you cry?
--nah.

6.What color of underwear are you wearing right
now?
--GREEN

7. Do you want a baby?
-- YEP, SOMEDAY

8.What does your mom do for a living?
--she's a SECRETARY

9. What does your dad do for a living?
--HE'S A BOOKING SALESMAN

10. What is your pet's name?
--KJ, YUNA AND WHITEY

11. What color are your bedsheets?
--GREEN

12. What are the last 4 digits of your
phone number?
--0638

13. What song are you playing now?
--i think this has been asked already!?

14. What was the last concert you
attended?
--BAMBOO, SINULOG 05

15. Who was with you?
--LESLIE, RHOD AND JHE-AR

16. What was the last movie you saw?
--kung fu hustle.brainless yet entertaining.

17. Who do you dislike most at this
moment?
-- SURPRISINGLY, NO ONE AS OF THE MOMENT

18. What food are you craving right now?
--CADBURRY'S ALMONDS

19. Did you dream last night?
-- NAH, WASN'T ABLE TO SLEEP...

20.What was the last tv show you
watched?
--TRU CALLING

21.What is your fave piece of jewelry?
-- MY DANGLING STAR EARRINGS

22. What is to the left of you?
--DINNER TABLE

23. What was the last thing you ate?
--PORKCHOP AND AMPALAYA

24. Who is your best friend of the
opposite sex?
-- JHE-AR

25. Write a song lyric that's in your
head?
--

26. What song is that from?
-- Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Greenday

27. Who last IMed you?
--NO ONE

28. Where is your signifigant other right
now?
-- none.

29. Do you have a crush?
-- yupyupyup

30. What is his/her name?
-- not worth going into trouble for

31. What shampoo do you use?
--pantene

32. When was the last time you cut your
hair?
--last month

33. Are you on any meds?
--nah

34. Do you have a mental disease?
-- i hope not. i like to think i'm pretty normal.

35. What shirt are you wearing?
--my juniors shirt...from my high school

36. What time is it?
-- 10:12 pm to be exact

37. What color is your razor?
--sea green

38. What is your fave frozen treat?
--ice cream

39. Are you sexy?
-- hell yeah!

40. Whats your favorite shopping store?
--not such a fan of shopping...

41. Are you thirsty?
-- just a little bit

42. Can you imagine yourself ever getting
married?
-- yep, actually i dreamt it already

My cousin Claudette emailed this to me and I just want to share it with you...so enjoy reading...

And by the way, a fellow from a very far away place inspires me nowadays...

God bless my new found friend...

Why aren't you married?
Why aren't you married?
and the very, very popular:
Why aren't you married?
... give or take another 999,999,997 more such questions.

Unfortunately, I can’t fix you up with any cute guys or girls to help you avoid these questions in the future. However, I can fix you up with some good snappy comebacks to fling at anyone who dares to question your single status.

So, next time somebody dares to ask you that “Why aren't you married?” question, pause, smile sagaciously (I love that word; it means “wisely”), and offer up one of the following. Or, just review them for your own personal satisfaction.

1. In the beginning, there were no elliptical trainers or low-fat/high-fiber muffins, and so people lived to only about 40-something. Maximum. Meaning, the pressure was on to get married before age 25. However, today, thanks to medical advances, we can all hope to live to 80. Easy. Meaning? Even if we marry at age 40, that's still 35, 45, even 55 years to be with a mate. Plenty of time to be married. What's the hurry?

2. Married people are not necessarily better catches simply because they were caught. I mean, have you taken a look at some of the married people out there? Seriously. Even Frankenstein got married. Obviously married people are not superior people.

3. Meanwhile, look at some of our cool single role models:
Catwoman: Single.
Buddha: Single.
The Lone Ranger: Single.
Actually, virtually all superhero types are single: Superman, Wonder Woman, Dudley Do-Right. And then there’s The Ultimate Superhero: God—also single.

4. Plus, when you think about it, there’s no such thing as a Stepford Single Woman.

5. Why limit myself to being dissatisfied by one relationship when I can be dissatisfied by an infinite variety?

6. It’s interesting how our culture has the _expression “happily married,” but no _expression “happily single.” And those words are 100% certified by the US Census Bureau. Statistics show that although married men are reported to be happier than single men (surprise, surprise!)—single women are reported to be happier than married women (also a big surprise, surprise!). Meaning? This only furthers the irony that single women are branded as "unhappy” and “lonely” and “loser-esque"—when single women are just boldly holding out for the right situation, rather than getting married just to get married.

7. It's easy to become married. Millions of people do it every year. If you want to pressure me to become something, hey, why not pick something a little more challenging—like an astrophysicist.

8. True love is rare. That's why it's called "love" and not "really like" or "settling." And why we don't say: "I’m settling for you, honey" over candlelit dinners. True love is worth waiting for…and that’s what I’m doing.

Its been quite a while since I had this feeling again...you would think na love2x nasad ni noh?well not really...

I just seem to enjoy my subjects and teachers now more than ever...am i making any sense here? i don't know, it all seems so easy, the comprehension, the time, the moments of being all alone just fits in perfectly...its like in my 4+ years of college i have never felt so interested with what i do until lately...

Oh well I don't understand myself most of the time...

When someone says he misses me, especially if its the person I least expect...I would really go gaga over it...

And you know what happened?

I wrote a song...

I just hope that guys wouldn't keep on playing with a girl's heart. Its so taxing, the process of falling in and out of the love spell. But it seems that its a natural feeling, even if its not meant to be...Right?

For now, il probably stick to my plan of putting my focus on one goal only...and that is

TO GRADUATE THIS COMING MARCH!

crazybeautiful dancing on the moon...

AND SO HERE I AM...

I love change...its so overwhelming at this time that i cannot even properly describe how it really feels to be this free...

Classes has started but then my sched is not that hectic yet thanks to the conference the Comp E teachers are having every 10:30-12:00. My class is still at 12:00 at the AS building.Oh well, Im gonna enjoy this week coz I'd probably be up on my sleeves with lots of things to do next couple of months or so.

If I hadn't gotten to my 5th year I wouldn't have known personally my batchmates. I was always stuck with the same people, hanging out at the canteen. More like isolating myself from the rest of the TC population. But now, not anymore... Every single so-called barkada I had before had gone off to a different direction. Me? Im still the same ol' me...hehehe

Anyway, I'd better get back to researching for a possible thesis...its gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster ride...

Peace out!

crazybeautiful holding one's dagger!

My class sched is crazy...I have no choice but take those subjects because there's no other sched...

Anyway, no matter how much I try to evade the SUBJECT of you-know-who everybody including the teachers seems to keep bringing it up...Can't they understand that I don't want any trouble? Is it too much to ask? LEAVE ME ALONE! They seem to slap the whole idea into my face! I'm trying to be a very PRIVATE person...*sigh*

Oh well, you know maybe I'll swear off guys for a while...

Up until I graduate...

By then, maybe if I get lucky enough I'll bump into my PRINCE in Boracay...

hehehe...

SO IM ON MY LAST TERM...
I'm looking forward to sleepless nights cramming for exams, typing like crazy finishing my thesis and working on the prototype...Drowning myself with coffee...
I'm looking forward to losing some of this extra weight.
I'm looking forward to another semester of adventure and hopefully fun...
I'm looking forward to living in an apartment...I bet that would be difficult considering there's lots of things to do other than our project...Like doing laundry, cleaning the toilets, cooking, paying rent, electricity and water...
I'm looking forward to replenishing my issues...

Finally IM FREE...

LESSONS FROM STARWARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

Well the movie was really action packed and I kept grabbing my seat coz it seemed that every time their ships launch the movie theatre would shake…. Anyway, the main reason for every thing that’s happened mainly, the turning of Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader, is LOVE! Well to make the long story short: TOO MUCH LOVE CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE, THEREFORE TOO MUCH LOVE IS EVIL! Would you agree?

Got me and the rest of us trainees extended till June 11th. I don’t know we just seem to enjoy our work. Traveling here and there, fixing things, learning more!

Got back on reading love stories…It seems that I wanted to feel the tingles again lately. I don’t know however what triggered the eagerness!

Summer is almost over! Wow could not believe it went by so quickly with out me having to shed off a few pounds but rather gained some! But still life is beautiful! But you know Im never this eager to go back to school! I JUST WANT TO GRADUATE... And hopefully by March of next year I would be able to achieve that goal.

My new HT happens to ignore the fact that I exist. Oh well I can't do anything about it coz I probably would not see him anymore since summer is almost over!

Moving on, got tons of report ot finish and well I'm kinda planing on extending my training at Globe! I truly love the job! Its tiring but really exciting and fun.

Gotta go!

Chill...

IM A WORKING GIRL!

I'm here at Globe Innove Plaza, 5th floor, Network Ops/Transmission WLL department!it so happened that the secretary, Gene went to Manila for a week to attend a conference and the ILAW Awards. She and the supervisors asked me to take over! I kinda got the hang of things since all I do is receive and send fax, get signatures and log papers on the log books...well it was very mind bogling at first but then, hey I'm a fast learner...

Anyway, our trip to singapore was great...once again acquired lots of experiences while I was there...maybe il get to write it the next time i blog...

well as for now, im truly inspired by this one guy whom i just recently met...he's got a great character and very hard working. oh i know here i go again...right? there's no end to this falling in and out of love...but this is not love...its just going there!

SUMMER CRAZE AGAIN!
So what am I up to these days?

Since last Wednesday I have been out all day long having my ojt at Globe Innove! I have to admit that I still don't like the scorching heat but eventually I have to get used to it as my job requires to stay under the heat for like 30 mins to an hour! We go around the city to fix dsl connections! although this is not what my major requires of me but heck, i want to experience what its like to really expose yourself in real work...we still get to have hands on...I finally understood the concept behind LAN and DSL...
Anyway, Paypims you are right! I have made all possible ways to make the most of my college life...I have gone through a lot of shocking events! and believe me, it wasn't easy! but you know, this heart is strong so I guess that leaves me, still moving forward!coz you know NOT TRYING TO MOVE ON means SUICIDE!
What I wanted the most for the first semester is to get away...GET AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT WERE TRUE! but they ended up being just some stranger who without second thoughts or whatever will do their best to hurt you and bring you down!DAMN, I shouldn't have fooled myself of the notion that the friendship we shared was unique and blessed. I thought that I had found myself in their company but here I am, searching for myself again in other people's companionship...
And so anyway, have one more year to go and I'm outta here...
First Love
Hikaru Utada

Chords: [open] EADGBe
[Bm] 024432 [C/D] xx0010 [CM7] x35343 [D] xx0232
[Ds4] xx0233 [Em] 022000 [G] 320003 [G/D] x55430


Intro:

G D Em G/D
CM7 C/D G G


Verse:

G D
Saigo no KISU wa
Em G/D
TABAKO no flavor ga shita
CM7 C/D G G
Nigakute setsunai kaori
Em Bm
Ashita no imagoro niwa
CM7 Ds4
Anata wa doko ni irun darou
Em Bm CM7 CM7
Dare wo omotterun darou


Chorus:

G D
You are always gonna be my love
Em G/D
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
CM7 C/D
I'll remember to love, you taught me how
G D
You are always gonna be the one
Em G/D
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
CM7 C/D G G
Atarashii uta utaeru made


Interlude:

CM7 C/D G G


Verse:

G D
Tachidomaru jikan ga
Em G/D
Ugokidasou to shiteru
CM7 C/D G G
Wasuretakunai koto bakari
Em Bm
Ashita no imagoro niwa
CM7 Ds4
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Em Bm CM7 CM7
Anata wo omotterun darou


Chorus:

G D
You will always be inside my heart
Em G/D
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
CM7 C/D
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
G D
Now and forever you are still the one
Em G/D
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
CM7 C/D CM7 Ds4
Atarashii uta utaeru made


Chorus:

G D
You are always gonna be my love
Em G/D
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
CM7 C/D
I'll remember to love, you taught me how
G D
You are always gonna be the one
Em G/D
Mada kanashii love song
CM7 C/D G G
Yeah, now and forever


Coda:

G D Em G/D
CM7 C/D G G

ooh I love this song...I'm trying to learn Japanese now!That reminds me, I should get my book from Tonette!
C yah guys!have a great summer!

alright i should admit...he's sweet all along...just don't know if he's only like that to me or to every single girl in school...aargg....hate what he's doing to me coz i kinda told myself im not interested in him! i don't want to swallow my own vomit...that would be awfully disgusting...

anyway, i don't know but hanging out with guys and hearing what they had to say about girls like as if im not one myself made me rethink my trust on guys...yes they're my friends, very close ones at that but then it seems that they don't respect our kind that much...

am i turning into a man-hater?
i hope not...

im still looking forward to that guy who's gonna come along soon...as what gera told me when she read my palm...all the things she told me already happened except for that last one...

well im still waiting in vain...
don't know who im waiting for though
but then im still hopeful!

okay maia...to answer your question...how am i supposed to explore college before its too late...well guess what, you're gonna help me...now why should it be you?coz well the rootofallthings are the kind of people i need...the free spirited ones...the persons wouldn't be afraid to take that rollercoaster ride over and over again...and marecor just told me that you guys are very empathic...hehehe...

anyway, project making tonight...hope we could finish this within this week...

i can't wait to get away for the summer...

someone's been on my mind lately...i don't know he just seems so sweet this week...and the week before...but then doyle's voice kept ringing in my ear!

AYAW LAGI BUTANGIG COLOR ANG PANGBUHATON SA MGA TAO NIMO KAY IKAW RAY MASAKITAN!

well, what can i say, im just a girl!

il be very brief...

the next few weeks' going to be crazy...

i dont feel i deserve her friendship...sometimes im okay with things, sometimes im not...is it because i havn't fully accepted the whole situation? still felt like she took something away from me...well she changed my entire life in just a snap of a finger...i think i needed it to explore college before its too late...somehow im thankful coz the situatioin made me stronger.we're still best of friend but then i still fear that someday im gonna be another reason...

anyway, what should i do with this? kept avoiding them/her in school... im like a nomad...

how could i stand going overnights making projects?

focus...

got lots of stuff to do...better get going coz i still have 2 chapters to study for our data com.

things i look forward to nowadays:
getting my ass out of tc.
going home.
my father's birthday.
my aunty baggy's arrival.
end of my 4th year.
ping's arrival.
molly's wedding.
singapore tour.

i guess that's about it for now...

God bless to all...

"The greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree,
but in the hearts of a true friend."
i hope that true friend exists within this life time of mine.

Im confused as ever...I know where I'm going but who am I supposed to trust along the way? Some people say that they are my friends but do they really care?Do they even know how I truly feel right now?Maybe its better this way, I have no one close in school...No definite group to belong to...A total Nomad for that matter...
I am selfish, I have to admit...these past few days I have been thinking of how I feel...but is it wrong to choose not to hurt?I guess the best way to make it alright for everybody is for me to protect my heart at the same time avoid hurting other people...I think and feel too much...I think that's my biggest problem...anyway, I know this blog is full of emotions, might be even full of shit!but then this is my blog and therefore this is my shit and anyone who has a problem with that then don't read...

Am I becoming bitter?I hope not...

God bless to all!

Just finished my lunch and I got the most wonderful news ever...going home for lunch has its disadvantages and lots of advantages...had to go to my mom's office to get the key but i glad i took that excrutiating ride under that extreme heat...i got in the house and read my aunt's email...

anyway here i am, all alone but happy...

here i am, with out a companion but contented...

here i am, still searching for myself amidst the people who don't expect too much of me...but they are there...for no reason whatsoever...they are open to any kind of conversation...they may or may not judge you but then who cares? so as long as they don't hurt me, I'll be fine with total strangers...

I am not lost. I may not have anyone to call my own but then I know where I am going....

so long for now...superficials....

Have this lump in my throat...

I can't trust anyone anymore!

My friends are getting narrower...

Till there's just me...

And my shadow!

Another day to look forward to?

Well a thought came to me lately that I think I am crazy...Well who wouldn't tell that to themselves wherein almost everybody has his or her dilemma to face...But believe me if you could only venture my mind you'd understand why I say something like that to myself...

Oh well, so much for my follies...

I'm listening to A Perfect Circle right now, their music is kinda twisted but on the good side...I don't know, its like it makes you relax...the guitars are great and the vocals is splendid...The first time I heard it at my friend's house I liked it right away...I think I'm becoming peculiar when it comes to choosing my music...

What's for lunch?
butter croissant...is that the right spelling?hehehe

I finally watched THE NOTEBOOK yesterday with my mom...and well my soft side took over and I cried...But I'm glad I cried..Why did I cry? Well because of the realization that there is really that someone who is destined for us...And that maybe my prince charming is from another planet...but then I thought why would I look?When I search I end up finding and then getting hurt which means I really hadn't found that prince charming yet.A guy told me that the person whom you truly love would never become yours...I hope its not true coz if that is the case then marriage is bullshit right?I mean, how could you marry someone you don't love?Could you even stand to sleep(literally speaking) with that person? But why do I choose to love in the first place?Why did I allow myself to gamble my heart instead of using my head and cut the crap of wishful thinking?BECAUSE IM JUST SO FULL OF HOPE! And what do I get from all of this? I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN...I kinda lost it when I was so blinded by the thought that *Tooot* likes me...But then he doesn't and man did that suck...Then Maia's words kept on whispering to me: "ITS NOT YOUR LOSS"...those powerful words of Ms. Donsen kept me alive...

Oh well, life for Vanessa must go on because maybe I wasn't placed on earth to love him...I was made to love somebody else...

Watch the movie with an open mind and heart, you'll like it...

And hey, Meet the Fockers is now showing...Wanna watch it with me?

God bless to all!mwaah...

SO AM I OKAY?

Well for now I am since I got most of my exam in ComE 423 lecture...it was like revenge of the nerds thing...hehehe...

Everything seems okay, I'm such a good pretender...

To JOhn:

please don't put me in the same situation you placed me this afternoon while we were having our Sosci class...to answer your query, yes my HT was there...he's with me all the time...gets?

anyway, I'm done watching MY LITTLE BRIDE and its another korean hit...highly recommended by moia!

condemn me all you want
im just being human
feeling the pain
and pretending that
it would not affect me
but then i do cry
when i am alone
with my maker
so condemn me all you want
i don't give a damn
im just human
who made a huge mistake
of falling inlove
~plum~

What is independence?Could I have it for my self?Could I live my life without having to depend on anyone else but me?Would it be a sign of loneliness?HOw do I feel right now?IM VERY NUMB!I know I feel something Im just not sure what it is...And you know what I don't really care what anyone has to think!I don't want to talk about what happened but I want this emotions to get out before I become such a cynical,pessimistic person. Do I have the right to blame THEM/HER/HIM for what Im going through right now?And the funny thing is they seem to think of how I feel but in reality it wouldn't matter!Am I a love poacher?As what the psychologist in our Social Science class discussed...HUMAN LOVE POACHING is the new trend nowadays...what the hell is that?it is when a person bolts into a relationship...and either steals the boy or the girl...I wouldn't steal anything...or anyone!im not a theif nor a BITCH!I wish I was so that I wouldn't feel this way!it is better to be normally bad than try hard not to be!what am I saying?if you're confused with all this shit that I'm writing then so am I!And somehow I've come to hate the song Fallin'!I used to like it but it kinda plays everytime I'm with him riding in her car!what a scene!couldn't have been so perfect!I don't usually swear but just give me this chance to just say anything!I hope writing is therapeutic!That after today I would once again go back to my same ol bubbly self!My world is crashing down on me but it seems that I'm carrying it on my shoulders and not letting it fall down completely!I need coffee, beer, vodka what ever!Will I get through this?I don't know!And like john I want to graduate and fly off to Portland and forget every single person I was attached to in college!Just forget that they exist that I existed with them!and that they used to mean the whole world to me!now spoof!NOTHINGNESS!

Everyday's the same I feel them merge
I try to separate, resist the urge
But they tell me I'll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won't play
And there's no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

Keep my head on straight and don't look down
With all I've pushed away, I'm losing ground
But they tell me I'll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won't play
And there's no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

And from the sidelines
Watch me fall down

And I don't understand the things I do
But I'll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I'll try to write it down
So things just keep improving
Still the words won't play
Cause there's no easy way to say
GOODBYE, GOODBYE

IM a new person as the new year starts...and thus just expect the unexpected...my old self died along with my heart...gudbye...