EXISTENTIAL ANGST 2

Are you taking yourself out of the race because you think you can't compete? Your chances of winning are much better than you think. Plus, you could feel worse that you didn't think enough of your abilities to even try.

Don't I think this horoscope seemed timely or what? So here's an update on my life...


I know I seemed kinda disturbed in my last post. I had too much rumor in my head that it would almost end up bursting. PARDON ME WHILE I BURST INTO FLAMES, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WORLD, AND ITS PEOPLE'S MINDLESS GAMES... Thanks to Incubus' music, I've been healed of this apathy.


Anyway, got transfered to a new account. They say its the biggest account of the company. Some say, its going to be difficult with tons of infastructure problems, that it would be stricter compared to the other account. But then who would ever know? We are new to this, those who are not in this account only heard yet again RUMORS of the said account. So anyway, I'll be coming in at 9 am and the training would end at 5 pm. How am I feeling on all of this? Excited and frightened...


I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH...


The guy whom I have mentioned before turned out to be a genuine fraud. This guy is full of sh*t...His modus: to let all the girls in the office fall into his trap and fall into a secret love affair. But you know what its all virtual...You see this guy is only good in words. He jumps from one girl to the other, testing on who's going to believe all the lies he's going to tell...God bless his soul...


No I'm not eating the bullSh*t that's being fed to me...



And what pisses me off the most is ME NOT LISTENING TO MY INTUITION AND ALMOST BELIEVING HIM. How stupid... Well I've learned my lesson... At least I didn't exert effort on investigating him... Its like the heavens dropped the truth on my lap. One of my boardmates told me something about him and then the truth just started pouring in. OH my Gosh... Its too much truth I could handle.


Anyways, I've had enough of guys...for now...


I'm going to exert all my effort in being good or rather be the best in my job. Its going to be a great challenge but at least, it would make me a better Engineer. And after watching the pop jazz competition in USC-Main gym last Saturday, I once again have this urge to practice dancing. I miss jazz, hip hop and even latin dances... I miss getting bruises because of the kneeling part or the flooring... I miss the feeling of being on top, being lifted and not being conscious of my weight because I had developed the technique of letting my body be very light. Suspension...ahh feels good...hehehe...


I'm supposed to incorporate pictures here but then dial up is kinda slow for pictures...Unlike in the office...Hi speed internet access...



Anyway guys...keep posted on this battle of life and survival...Don't worry, I won't let them eat me alive...=) This girl is tougher than you think... 4 years in an all girl school and 5 years in a male dominating engineering class made me that way...


chill--> crazy beautiful signing out <---

Existencial Angst I

I'm quite lost
On who to trust
The world is full of liars
The world is full of plastics
That it suffocates the truth
Every single word uttered
makes every inch of my body ache
most especially the one in the core
that decides for me most of the time


but then these people are supposed to be wise
much wiser than me
but who can tell really?
who can verify that they are
and attest to their graves
that these people are true
that these people are real
that they can be trusted?


And sometimes I would hate myself
for believing the false pretense
of the kindness and the friendliness
and end up eating the worms
of the backstabbing words
that would someday crush my soul


when will I ever learn
when will I finally build
that wall that protects
my pride, the truth and my heart?


I don't know why I wrote this. Its just that its getting crazier in the office than what I've expected. I guess this would be your dilemma if you're friends with everybody...I mean, maybe because I'm new that is why I'm fitting in to any group there is. I try not to get into other people's business because I don't want hassle, I don't want to get involved in problems that are not mine. But why is it that there always exists that certain politics in the office. I hate it... It ruins the entire "family" facade this company is trying to establish...Well its not a facade but a goal. To unite people. But are we really united? Do the people here really care about being one "family"? That is yet to be seen...


I'm crazy coz I think I miss you...
Its not just the flattery
But I miss your comments
and jokes
Your words that never fail
to put that huge smile on my face
even I'm up my sleeve
trying to keep my patience...
I am crazy...

moving out...settling...a new beginning?

I moved out of my old boarding house. Well its not actually mine because I just had my batch mate Claire take me in and adopt me. =) Well anyway, Nancy helped me get my stuff and transfer it to the new bhauz just near the old one. I got my own bed now instead of sleeping on the floor with only a pillow, blanket and a sleeping bag. Don't get me wrong, I was able to sleep well there and even got myself a new talking buddy(claire) but I just needed to set up a permanent place for me. I know nothing is permanent except for change...But I don't know, I liked the new place, the freedom and all that's to follow...


But I'll surely miss Claire and all our small talks in the evening, when the lights go out. I'll still be seeing her though coz I promised her we'll have dinner together. And she's pretty ammenable to the whole idea.


Got myself a new room mate and her name is Jenny. She's also from CallTek but from a different batch. I couldn't have imagined being roomies with her because we don't usually talk in the office. She's really cool though. We share something in common like keeping the room very clean and organized. And we talk, a lot than compared to us being in the office.


I hope everything would work out fine in my new flat. I like it there and as what my aunt told me 2 nights ago..."FREE LIKE A BIRD?"


Well I won't put it that way because I opted to rent a place to be close to work and not having to go through all the hassle of going back and forth our house. My mom was really "go go" but my dad was a bit hesitant and eventually he gave in coz he knows that he could not lend me the car...like as if!


I love surprises, small or big, anything that's out of the ordinary and hehehehe I think I'm getting a lot of surprises these days. But sometimes it would feel bad, would seem that all of these things that are happening are way too fast or really not right. And I would always have these worries to block the euphoria that I would be feeling...


But then Nancy would tell me...


Seize the day van, seize the day!


And so I'll be having a new beginning, ending all qualms about life and love...I'll be exploring new horizons and I'll be setting that old hermit free...No more boredom...I'm sick of it and I want to live life, my life, the way that it should be lived...


Carpe Diem then...

You don't have to be...

I thought I had gotten over the mere fact that there could ever be a chance for him and me to be more than just what we are now. So far, the past few days since I have seen him, I was able to get him off my mind normally without putting too much effort into it. I was having fun at work, dragging myself to take a quick look at the best practice before taking the Level 1 exam, going out with my batchmates and laughing my heart out with Nico's snide remarks on Lana and vise-versa or just simply chatting with two of my best and most recent confidants: Canence aka Nancy and Claire. I'm even enjoying the attention that I'm getting from this guy who seems too good to be true. And I forgot... I have forgotten that I felt something, I forgot the longing for more than what I have, I have forgotten that he existed. Or so I thought...


And then last night, I received a message...


Of him finding the perfect girl at the perfect time but its just that the girl didn't think he was perfect enough to be her man...


If it were just a simple sad forwarded message then I would have either let it stay on my phone for a day or two and erase it to give space to those happy forwarded messages or simply erase it right away.


But coming from him, the message made sense. The message fits. And I'm back to thinking of him again. The diversion didn't seem to work because I'm not completely over...


And then I got this urge to make a statement, a reply of some sorts...


YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT...THE WORLD LOVES YOU THE WAY YOU ARE INCLUDING ALL YOUR IMPERFECTIONS...


If I was brave enough I would have told him that face to face. I would have let him know how much I appreciate him being my friend and all that he is to me. I would have let him know that he doesn't have to change for that girl or for anybody else for that matter but if he wishes to change for the better then he should do it for himself.


But he is wiser than me. He even tries to analyze my actions, reactions and judgements and before, when we used to talk, we'd converse for hours just discussing our attitude and our experiences. And I believe he doesn't need to know that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE... ANYTHING ELSE BUT HIMSELF....

of vivid dreams and questions

HOROSCOPE FOR THE DAY

Writing is magical. The empty page is where you start to put together the disparate parts of your life. Once you put it down on paper, you can figure out how all your plans can start to come together.

I always have this weird, sometimes clear, sometimes vivid dreams. It would leave me at awe in the morning wanting to go back to sleep to find out more of what happened. But then it always leave me with so many questions. I know I must not dwell on dreams and don't even bother to interpret them coz it will just confuse me even more and have me assume something that is in reality not there.


But have you had a dream of somebody close to you and it gave you sort of like a message that that person is in trouble or is need of someone to listen to them or comfort them? Or get this feeling that it was real? That when you wake up you'll have tears in your eyes or sweat on your forehead?


Well I have this experience most of the time and in one of my long lost pocket books, there is one ESP(extra sensory perception) which is an OBE(out-of-body-experience) called ASTRAL PROJECTION where your soul will transfer to an astral body which moves in coordination with the physical body in a parallel world known as astral plane.


Now you might ask what this astral plane is. An astral plane is also referred to as astral world or desire world. So would it mean that we have a portion in our brain where we create our own world? Its like being in the fantasy land. But the events or the people that we'd like to happen and would like to see are sometimes very vague and does not conspire to our favor. So here's where my question lies, if its possible that we have a desire world, if its not us who controls it sometimes, then who does?


From what I've understood in that pocket book, if a person has astral projection, he/she can get inside the dreams of other people. Wow, it would be cool to get into other people's dreams and give them a message so that you won't have to do it in person. But then again, it still is a cowards way out...


So anyway, I'm not sure if I'm experiencing astral projection or if someone is trying to do astral projection on me. The topic seems interesting though...Any thoughts?

Philosopher's Note

"This actual world of what is knowable, in which we are and which is in us, remains both the material and the limit of our consideration." - Arthur Schopenhauer

I rode on the jeepney yesterday and the rain was pouring. Good thing I have this very reliable black umbrella that you just press a button and it opens up and when you press it while its open, its going to automatically close out.


And so anyway, when I was on my way home, I sat beside this old lady and she smiled at me. We talked about the rain because we were the only ones there. She doesn't have an umbrella and she was alone. I told myself I'll get off wherever she gets off so that I could offer to share my umbrella with her...She was really old, like 70+.


Then it hit me, am I going to be like this when I'm old? Alone and unprepared during the rainy season. Isn't anybody going to accompany me when I wanted to attend the afternoon mass?


The thought is frightening and it keeps me thinking still...

But then I remembered Rhesa telling me...

"You're still 22. You have still have a lot of things ahead of you..."

Don't lose hope...

what would you do???

HOROSCOPE FOR THE DAY:

Forget it -- you'll figure out what you need to know on your own. Just as you've gathered all the pertinent information, the right person appears who can show you exactly what needs to be done next.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

What would you do if a person tries to play with you and have you circle around his/her own hands?

Would you play along hoping that in the end, it would be him/her who would look like a fool and not you?

Or would you tell that person off and never to speak to him/her again?

Just tag me or email your answers to vanelin13v@yahoo.com!

Thanks!

Saturday Blues...

So its Saturday and I’ve got things planned for today…


But before that, I dreamed of this guy. I’m not supposed to think of him because he’s the superficial version of the total opposite of my dream guy…Ironic isn’t it? we always set standards for the person we wish to be with yet end up with the complete opposite. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not together…yet! But I dreamed of him…crazy dream…


Anyway, I've decided to set myself free...Free from standards that I have set for me, free from thinking what other people thinks...


He told me one time that I don't have to adjust or adapt to other peoples personality or character. That I have to be myself...Then I figured, all those times that I meet other people was I not being myself?

As of now, he makes me smile...that huge smile that would have said it all...


But there is still this big question of whether he is real or not. whether he is being true or he's just playing me out!:(


I wish I could help myself figure it out but I'm no expert in this department...


I'm still hanging here...


So for the Saturday plans, I'm going shopping with Leslie, hang out with her before she leaves for Manila. I haven't talked to her since I don't know... And now she's leaving...Why weren't we able to hang out then? Even my best friend Ivy is in Japan... Yes it does make me sad but I have yet some new friends to talk to. Like my room mate Claire...Before I go to sleep and she goes to work, we'd have this long chat about anything out of the blue. About me, about her and its good to talk to someone without reserve...Even if all the lights are out, and we're about to sleep, we still talk...hehehe, which reminds me of the time I spent with Glynnee and all her stuffed toys... I miss those times...


Anyway, there are so many people I want to be with don't know if I will ever have the time or the chance to...

the real deal

***how real are you?***


The Real Deal

Everyone knows you're authentic because you almost always speak your mind-- even if it makes you look less than perfect. Honesty is the best policy, but just remember: It doesn't mean you have to be rude


how real are you?
http://quiz.ivillage.com/seventeen/tests/20060622_howreal.htm

Walking@Dawn

As you all know, my shift this August would start at 4am. And I normally wake up around 2:45am to prepare even if I live across the street in an shabby boarding house. I'm quite fortunate that even it was a last minute call, my batchmates Claire and Marge took me in and allowed me to stay with them. But still, I go home everyday, eat dinner at home and take the long drive from my place to Lahug.


And at exactly 3:30 am, I decend the short flight of stairs to venture the almost empty streets of JY Square. The slight breeze of the wind caress my cheeks as I enjoy the brief moment of peace and solitude I feel. Weird isn't it, just barely dawn and I enjoy the walk. I am totally alone, a short 3 minute walk to the office. And that my friends, would make my day complete...


On the other hand, an email almost made me cry this morning...It made me realize how blessed I am, how rich I am, how much I have compared to the rest who doesn't have my life...I'll share to you the contents next time...

And so it began with the comment...
It always does...
And at the end of the day,
He still leaves me hanging, confused
but wanting more
wanting to know more
wanting to experience more
Danger is his name
Am I ready for it?