A return from sabbattical!

I know I was out for more than 2 weeks without prior notice. It's all because my monitor got busted. And I don't know I didn't feel the need to be online that much or that soon...

So what happened for the past 3 weeks or so???

• spent my birthday with 3 of my favorite people in the world, then dinner with dad and mom.
• had dinner with my college friends and new found girlfriends(girlfriends of my friends)
  
• went to Ormoc, Tacloban and Samar in 3 days.
• auditioned for The Cebu Chamber of Singers and got in as a trainee.
• went to Pandanon Island on a yacht.
• learned that I will be loaned to do pure ABAP work on a support project - scary but this is surprisingly what I wanted.

what will happen in a couple of weeks or months:

• will be rolled off. :(
• will be traveling to South Korea in August with Nicky.

The rest is yet to come...What's great is starting the month of May I haven't been shedding useless tears. And starting the month of May, my life has been picking up it's pace and I'm having a blast again!

Life is still beautiful!

Pieces...Of...Me

Yep!I'm slowly picking up the pieces. I'm almost back in my game when all of a sudden I broke down. With just one person, who doesn't even seem to have an idea what I'm going through or what I've been through, who has her own set of issues, seemed to have the power to stir up the bottled feelings inside me. My cheeks were firing up and my head was about to explode. I rushed to the ladies' room, shut the door and poured like the sky did on that day which was yesterday, a Wednesday! Wednesdays are supposed to be awesome by my standards. But yesterday was different. Ashamed, vulnerable, sad, angry and hurt! I thought I had enough bullshit that people are giving me the past couple of weeks. Shoving the truth in my face like I'm some kind of rock who has no feelings. So everyday, every morning I wake saying to myself that "TODAY IS DIFFERENT FROM YESTERDAY, IT WOULD BE BETTER" and yet, there in that place where I need to be, to earn a living, I am faced with nothing but chains, pulling me down. I tried not to care, don't give a damn about what they think or do or say but somehow, these gremlins find their way into my vulnerable spot and there they tear up again the scotch tape that I slowly put on my heart to hold it together. People. Mean people. People, who even ignored are making the purpose of their lives to make someone else's life a living hell! But then again, nothing matters anymore with whatever it is that's going to happen in that place. I am paid to be there. Up until I find a way to get out, I will practice the secret of coping: non-existence. And at the end of the day, all that matters is that I am breathing, my family is happy and God is still in my favor! So I'm glueing the pieces now. Mighty bond it if I must. Wrap it with aluminum foil and put it in a box and then mail it to God. I'm sure He's better at keeping it safe and unscathed. Until someone finds a way through me...I am currently without feelings!

Hasta Luego!

Everything is in its right place

Another day...I don't want to gloat. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to explain why I am angry, sad or depressed. I don't even want to stop smiling. Its crazy!

Motto for the day:

I don't know...I don't care! - by Freedom

I wish it were that easy to be genuinely happy for answered prayers. That is if your answered prayer is for you but no, it had to be perfect for somebody else. And you, you are left, with more questions. It's tiring.

Another heartache, days before my 25th. When will this ever end?

But I still long for HIM! For His presence, for His favor. And now, my prayer changed...

Let me be found!

Yes everything is in its right place. I didn't dream of August before we became friends because he was the ONE for me...I dreamed of August because God wants to awaken my sleeping soul. That was his only purpose in my life...And like any traveler, he moves on. And I travel a different path as well...Hoping, wishing, praying that I'd be found along the way!

And like everything else in this world...feelings are temporary, fleeting with the wind, written in a song, dried tears in pillows. This too shall pass. And it would probably take me a short or a long time to get past this but somehow I am positive that this does not create a permanent mark in my inner most hidden self.

So I thank YOU, whoever you are, for one more day.

I live, I love, I lost, I cry and I love some more!

Wounds That Heal

I am currently attending a counseling class sponsored by Cebu City Alliance Church. Nope its not a Roman Catholic church but a Christian church. Now how did I ever get to know CCAC? To make the long story short, I was invited by my officemates and August...I know, there's always a connection to him.

After all the devastating weeks I've been through, I thought I could never go back. I thought I would be able to drop everything, move on with my life without so much so as glance back with what I have so far accomplished in terms of my spiritual awakening and growth, with the new friends I've found. But then again, the better part of me reconsidered. I couldn't just turn my back on everything and everyone. They're not part of whatever it is that happened between me and August. They don't deserve to be treated that way...And neither am I...

And so I went back to my class, faced my fears head on and I felt better after wards...

I just want to share this poem with you. It was included in the hand outs our teacher: Pastor Ruel gave us and wonderfully, sincerely read by Ate Rhonda:

I was neurotic for years.
I was anxious and depressed and selfish.
And everyone kept telling me how
neurotic I was.

And I resented them,
and I agreed with them,
and I wanted to change,
but I just couldn't bring myself to change,
no matter how hard I tried.

What hurt the most was that my best friend,
also kept telling me how neurotic I was.
He too kept insisting that I change.

Then one day, he said to me, "Don't change.
Stay as you are. It really doesn't matter
whether you change or not. I LOVE YOU
just as you are, I cannot help loving you."


Those words sounded like music to my ears.
"Don't change. Don't change.
Don't change. ...I LOVE YOU."

And I relaxed. And I came alive.
And, oh wondrous marvel, I changed.

Now I know that I couldn't really
change until I found someone who
would love me whether I change
or not.

Amazing isn't it? It brought tears to my eyes and even though we were talking about wounds that night and it was after all a counseling class, I couldn't somehow still let my classmates see me crying and so thankful that I was wearing glasses, I sniffed and wiped them away.

Today I was there standing, listening to August sing the song "The Promise" by Martin Niviera. Its the second time I've heard him sing that. The first time, my heart leaped but the second, my heart died.

Still I believe that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow would even be much better...by God's grace it'll be!

Buenos Noches!

The Return of the Comeback

Just finished reading some of the forums in facebook...It was so much fun reminiscing the happy moments during my grade school days. And I also saw some of our old classmates and school mates - Rachel Anne Navarro, Hannah Candace Sumalinog, Yapi, Ramon Fernandez III, Emmon Pacres, Albien Jake Albina, Antoi and Claire Bulotano. We met up at starbucks in Ayala and sorta jump started the planning of our reunion.

The reunion is just the icing on the cake...Seeing these guys after 12 years is such a happy moment for me. One of the best moments of my life were spent in grade school. And I just realized that some of these people have become such worthwhile friends. Such a blessing...

And its so timely. Because I'm starting over...

I'm planning of going to a lenten recollection. I just feel I'm spiritually deprived. This is still part of my starting over and drastic change...to what extent? I still have no idea... This is hopefully for the better. Better stronger ME...

Love all, trust a few, hurt no one.

Never say...

Never say never coz you never know...

--broken hearted but I'm picking up the pieces one day at a time...
--got tons of support from real friends...I can see every effort of making me feel better and I am grateful believe me...I am thousand times over...
--trying to learn another language again: Spanish...French is too hard without anybody to practice with.
--kinda looking forward to the USC-SGS batch '97 pre-reunion meeting...
--had tons of fun with Cathy and Louise last Friday...
--so happy that my friends are happy and in love...
--reformatted my Workstation once again...
--got a new haircut.

What can I say...my life is full of drama...but it wouldn't be worth writing about if it weren't!


*more blogs to come since I've already replaced my broken keyboard...about time right?and no more guy to keep me away from home!*

Next Stop: CDO

I'm pretty excited with our CDO-Camiguin Trip next week. Finally a break from work. Although its not like I'm too swamped. Its still the start of the year. But with the new project and all, joining the team in the middle of UAT and catching up with learning all the processes, I'm still alive and kicking. I miss multi-tasking. I was born doing it. I can't keep still if I have nothing to do or having to do something that requires less use of my brain. Speaking of brain...I'm finding reasons why I should hold on to this thing that I have with August. My head is battling with my heart and honestly at the end of the day, its this that makes me tired and weary, not work... Definitely not work...It's people.
This travelling happens every February, I noticed. Because last year we went to Boracay on the 15th...And now, finally I'm setting foot in Mindanao.
And I finally got a facebook account. My old pal Johny Vanvoorden from Belguim talked me into getting one. I know very international. hahaha...
Till then, hope to give you more updates and more thoughts or thought provoking questions...
toodles...

I Marvel at the STarS

Took this picture last January 18, 2009. Had the best time taking photos last Sinulog that I didn't mind at all that my feet's killing me, I'm sweating all over and I was like one of those who were trying hard to be dubbed as a photographer.

Started the event walking alone and ended up walking still with August...

Last week was hard, had to talk to iron things out. And now we're hanging in there...He still wants me to stick around and so I will...

Sometimes, the person with the biggest smile has the saddest heart!

Chivalry is not dead!

Chivalry, according to my bestfriend: is the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. In my understanding, if applied to recent times it is when a guy gets out of his way to do small but noticeable acts of being a certified gent like open doors, stay at the danger side of the road while crossing the street, offer to carry our paper bags and many others. When I was in first year college a friend told me that there was an article written about chivalry being dead. And since I decided to take up Engineering, a male dominated world of college, unfortunately I was led to believe that it is sadly so up until I hanged out with Jhe-Ar, Benny, Alain, Ian and Karl. But don't get me wrong, these guys maybe gents in their own right but I had my fair share of teasing from them.
Yesterday, while riding a jeepney to Emall, I saw an old couple about to take the same ride as I was on. The old lady took a step first and while everybody was moving to give her space near the entrance, the old man was assisting her. When they were finally seated, I noticed that the old man was carrying the old lady's purse. I thought to myself, how sweet. Would I also get the princess treatment? Maybe not today...Soon I hope. Then I remember, I do get to be treated queen especially when I'm sad or I teary eyed. I didn't know that ice cream would still comfort me especially when bought by the same person who made me cry trying to make ammends. I know its so childish, that's what I told him. Who ever said we can't be kids again? he said. I know he's trying his best to meet my expectations, not as a lover but as a friend. He does carry my paper bag, not my purse (I'm not that cruel!), and if he remembers he would shift to the danger side of the road or hold my hand when we cross the busy traffic. I have to believe that there is a certain gentle side in him that needs my patience.
Chivalry is not dead, us ladies just need to awaken it from the guys. Give them time and opportunity to show us what they've got as gentlemen!

Happy New Year!

Sparks

I finally found someone whom I can share my thoughts without speaking...So how would I ever do it? Communicate without uttering a single word? Here are some ways:

• MAKE FACES - he knows that I'm on to something if I have a huge grin on my face or if I'm pissed if I have my poker face on. I don't know how he does it but he reads minds. As opposed to Edward Cullen of the Twilight series, he can only read mine.
  
• PINCH - he would pinch me if he misses me. I know this sounds so assuming of me but this is the entree in a full course meal. Starts with a pinch, then a brush of the hand, wrapping his arms around me and finally planting a kiss on my cheek.
  
• NUDGE - if we crave each other's attention we would nudge each one's shoulder. We have silent moments especially when we just got off from work and we're still trying to get some fresh Ayala air into our lungs. And sometimes we get lost in our thoughts. A nudge would remind us that we have each other and whatever it is that's bugging us would eventually come out.
  
• MAKE LAMBING - if we both want something from each other.
  
• And of course the PAMATAY NA EYE CONTACT...hehehe...

I know, its kinda mushy but heck we do it almost everyday. I don't need to tell or ask him what to do or say. I learned to lessen expectations and yes sometimes life does take me by surprise.

I might have been wounded and bruised but I'm still alive, more alive than ever.

Sigh

Today I was surprised by his actions...and he was surprised too...I try to thank the little things he does for me, showing me that he cares just a little bit more...Buying me lunch, taking my ride home just to make sure I was safe even if it was totally out of his way...I know I shouldn't go there again...Putting in colors to nothing again...All I can do is take a long deep breath...Is this real?Is he real?Am I really awake when all of these things happen? We text till the wee hours and I'm still not convinced that he's real...He calls me out of the blue and still I question myself if there is something to it besides his boredom...He misses me he says...I hope he really does...Haayyy....Life...Wahhh...Love...is this it friends?

Bittersweet Symphony

He kept on singing the first few lines of the chorus...And I started to wonder again what it is that he keeps on humming. He said he found it in his friends page in friendster and he liked the song. So then I asked him what song it is and he said he forgot. On the taxi ride to Guadalupe (I was invited for dinner to my aunts house) he sang it again. Then he told me that what the title is - The man who cannot be moved! And guess what he said he dedicates it to me...I was appalled at first with the title...But then I searched the lyrics and heard the tune...I liked it as well...

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

So now that even if he were not here and I have to spend 9 days all by myself I can still survive. Well technically I didn't get to spend it on my own...My hands are full with work, Photography club, Toastmasters and security initiatives.

Dedication

I'm not sure if this song is dedicated to me but it somehow made sense...Thanks to Kelem!

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

I'm off to Samar tomorrow...I probably can't blog there...anyway till next week...

just leave a message

Darn it Tag-board is not working anymore...changed to cbox...It's going to be a long week...
Anyway, I found out that I can open my page in our office...goodie...I hope I can open blogger too...It's very secure there that there are a lot of blocked sites...

have to go work...Aurevior...A bientot!

At some point...

I was blog hopping...trying to get some sense out of this world through an artist's mind...I happen upon one of HER blogs... and I just wanted to quote...

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender. - Emil Ludwig

Darn it...there's more truth...

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

and so I'm back to being in limbo...nothing is clear at the moment but the shear pain that becomes very vivid when he's not around...Wanting something you cannot have has been my life's main objective...Darn it...I wish he could read this...but he can't coz he can't know or else I'll be waving the white flag...

Once

Watched a movie from Czechoslovakia 2 Fridays ago. There were dozens of European movies that were shown in Ayala's Onstage. We were hoping we could catch the one in French but then they changed the schedule. The movie was typical, the acting was realistic, plot was somehow new to the Filipino mindset however the soundtrack was surprisingly well thought of. There was one song that was also part of the soundtrack of movie Once (still have to find a copy of this one coz they say its also a nice movie). The song is simple yet it brings out emotion. I think its because of the melody, so passionate and true.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Listen to the song...Can't find just an audio clip to embed!




Had my nails painted yellow green...I was to choose between this color and purple. He was with me when I had this done in Fab Nails...He chose yellow green over purple...And so I went for it. Ahhh....I haven't been so attached to a person for a very long time that it seems so surreal to have him almost always near me...I hope this lasts longer than I expected...

butterflies in my stomach...

Need I say more?

Please dont say I love you, those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble
Dont think you realize the effect you have over me
And please dont look at me like that, it just makes me want to make you near me always
And please dont kiss me so sweet, it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please dont touch me like that, it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please dont come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always

Please dont send me flowers, they only whisper the sweet things youd say
Dont try to understand me, your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always

And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands
Its nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always

I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

To Maia and Bing: I think I won't be able to buy you dinner on December!LOL!

mise à jour

Finally, I'm home on a Saturday, nothing to do but laundry. I'm not going anywhere. No overtime in the office since Miguel, our counterpart told me to enjoy the weekend even if I still have pending work, no scheduled laag since girlfriend Rhea is packing her stuff - she'll be flying to Thailand tomorrow and staying there for 3 weeks (I'll miss her, no body would call me "HOI LABAY!" anymore!), no community activity to attend to since its still the start of Accenture's fiscal year. What a bliss...Staying home! I miss this...And I miss blogging...

A lot has passed...Over the past weeks since my last blog I have kept things in synch with my expectations of people and events but expecting less. Well not really expecting less but more of expecting different things but all positive.

I don't get to have those disappointments anymore since I always tell myself that whatever happens its not the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you. But lately I've been keeping out of trouble by thinking out of the box, thinking that to every problem there is a solution or a way to get out of it...hehehe...

A lot of good friends are leaving...

KARL - flew to Lexington Kentucky last Sept 17, 2008. He'll be staying there for 4 months meaning he'll be spending Christmas there also. But he'll be back in no time!

Kuya Natz - mentor and president of Accenture Cebu Toastmaster's Club will be going to UK to work there for 15 months. He's one of the most positive person to hang out with. Every meeting is catered with LL - learnings and laughter.

Cecillia - mentor and VP Education of Accenture Cebu Toastmaster's Club will be leaving the company and going back to the footprints she left behind. No more adviser for me. Her and Kuya Natz make a good team up. She's very creative with words and strategies...But she'll be just a stone's throw away...So I'll still be seeing more of her in our ACTMC meetings.

New Roles and Responsibilities...

Since its the start of the FY09 we have new non-work roles. Mine stays confidential. All I can say is that it frightens me to be given this huge role but so far this is the bestest opportunity to step up. A lot of people are backing me up --> I can do this...

On love...
Oh well, we're still what we are...Relax is a virtue...But I'm not shutting my door for other people. Kai is setting me up on a blind date - I don't know when...When man Kai?hehehe... and my close Korean friend Nicky hooked me up with an architect named Gilbert who works in Waterfront in Mactan...he texted me for 2 days and so far that's it. According to Jasmine, whoever fights the hardest for me, wins! Mura Tekken...hehehe Anyways, I'm enjoying my time with August Rush and we've already settled that he's not going anywhere just yet.

toodles...

UNDEFINED

We are friends. We are confidantes to each other. He tells me his story and I tell him mine. He leans on my shoulder when his head is aching and I, well I put my chin on his shoulders when I needed mending. We like to eat out, especially during Friday nights, pizza at Acha Pizzeria. We love music very much. He pinches me and I punch him. We do have our own little world sometimes. It's like we're trapped in a bubble. But we are not lovers. NOT yet. So what are we then? He misses me but doesn't say it...He says action speaks louder than words...Would it be the reason why every chance he gets he gives me a hug?Could it be just a brotherly love? Then again...WE don't have a definition and I'd rather not lay down everything just to satisfy gossip! So don't grill me and squeeze the truth out of me because the truth of the matter is, I don't know what we are...All I know is that I want to spend most of my time with him and he seemingly wants to be with me too...Let me just enjoy this...I know you may think I deserve better than this, maybe I do but patience is still a virtue and as what Jasmine keeps on saying: things will unfold eventually but right now, JUST ENJOY!