UNWANTED

Last night we had a talk. And the uncertainty was brought into the table. You were concerned of us hanging out affecting my dating other guys. Come on...I'm not stupid and they are not either. If they really, really like me they would get any chance to be with me regardless of me hanging out with you. I'm sorry if I'm such a hard headed fool but I am not really convinced that you asked that question out of mere concern. If I want to date other guys its my choice and I would have acted on it on my own. Maybe I would need a little help here and there but then again, if they want to be with me, I DARE THEM TO MOVE!

It pisses me off cause I'm trying to understand where we're getting here but all we do is run in circles. And now I get you don't want obligations, responsibilities and commitments. No strings. And you don't believe in relationships. Hello...Wake up friend, FRIENDSHIP itself is a relationship. I guess any bond that you form with another person that would entail you giving your time, effort and money is relationship. Even your dealings with your business associates is a relationship. You are a smart ass but sometimes your notion of things is insensible and stupid. Well don't let me be the judge of that because you are entitled to your own opinion.

I can go on blabbing about all this however this cannot get to you. YOU are not reading my blog.

I'm just so angry right now... KABOOM!

magnet

I can't believe how much I'm drawn to your presence. You don't seduce me, you're not that type. Well what exactly is your type? And besides I'm not easily seduced by looks. There is a possibility for words...but then again it depends...Even if I'm just sitting beside you, I feel safe and loved. Even if you are inches from me, I still feel you how much more than that?

I am sitting here on a Saturday night, listening to Clannad's I will Find You. And I feel my heart burst right this instant.

So what is the difference with this feeling now compared to the feelings I had before YOU?

It feels right.

And I feel that I am ready...It's been years..

Inlove with my Bestfriend

MJ's wedding was so beautiful it once again brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was very private and solemn, attended only by family and very close friends. I chatted with her first degree cousin who was also one of the readers and she revealed that MJ wanted only 50 people at her wedding. Then I thought to myself, I wanted that number too - if ever I'd get married - then I thought again, my family is quite a huge bunch, so 50 heads would comprise only the bride's side of the family. Funny thought! MJ was very beautiful and radiant and the groom - lets call him - Colin Farrell, coz he looks like Colin, well even better looking than the actor himself - was very handsome. Good thing I didn't mess up the singing of the responsorial psalm considering I only made up the tune the night before the wedding. They've been friends for 10 years now and I believe a relationship that initially started with a strong foundation of friendship would surpass every obstacle and would flourish with the love that has grown along with it. I'm so happy and excited for my friend. She's currently one of the closest and most trusted friends I have today. Best wishes to MJ and Colin...

I want to fall in love with my best friend...Whoever that may be, I still have no clue. But I'm hopeful...I remember writing something like this in my diary:

Even if I've been hurt so many times that my heart keeps on breaking into pieces, at the end of the day, I'd still want to fall in love and let love put my heart back together.

best wedding song...

best wedding song...

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Looking for a better me

Amidst all the pressure - work: catching up with all the updating of documents, audits, knowledge transfers, conflict with office mates trying to keep my temper afloat, trying not to lose my mind despite all the stupidity floating around - anniversary party preparations: I have again the opportunity to organize a huge event however too much load had placed on my shoulders upon learning that I'll also be part of those who would perform the grand opening number with a theme of MOULIN ROUGE. I know its an old movie but the song and dance combination is fit for our theme. And then there's personal issues. It seems that I'm struggling with all the emotions felt that sometimes I would think if I would be better off not caring. I could be like "The Monster" as what my officemate Bruno calls her. She doesn't care a single bit and I think she's happy. As opposed to me who according to "August" has this super hero complex, tries to help and do as much as I can. My main problem according to him is that I can't say NO. Am I one of those people who wants to please everybody? And so, amidst all these excitement in my life, I realize I should PAUSE, breathe in and out and reflect on who I have become for the past 1 year and 2 months that I have been working in my current company. I have been to places, seen different kinds of personalities, been with different types of crowd and yet I still question who I am now and what my principles are. I'm still searching for the better ME. Could be one of the reasons why this heart hasn't settled yet...As opposed to all those who are getting married next month! Picture below is where I want to disappear to when I can't take it anymore...That would be the most selfish thing I could do...DISAPPEAR TO TRANQUILITY...

gratefulness

i wish i could tell you
how much i appreciate your existence
your words
your stare
your laughter
your frown
your teasing
your making my head spin with anger
your touch...
for letting me know
that somehow
in your own ways
you are there for me
that you will never let me be
lonely or sad
or feeling blue
from the bottom of my heart
thank you...

cold wind blowing

As I stepped out of the plane to the Amsterdam airport, we had to ride a transfer. I felt a chill in skin and I thought the whole country was airconditioned. The wind was cold but nice...Its the same wind blowing in Madrid but colder. Suddenly I miss home. People here don't speak English so all we do is sign language. But somehow we were understood. With a little bit of French I got by...

I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my co-workers.

Then I figured, I should enjoy this. Its a once in a lifetime opportunity to be here, now! I'll try to document every minute of my stay here. Adios!

BTW: shacks internet cost 6.20 Eur...darn!

Dreams do come true

My schedules' been quite full lately. It had been a week now since our summer outing and so far my tan lines are still visible but all the sun burnt skin already peeled itself off. There are still 2 more trips to look forward to: 1. Tagaytay and 2. Madrid, Spain (that is if our visa's are approved!)...Can you believe I'm traveling to Europe in about 13 days? And it hasn't sinked in yet. Although even for being considered to be one among the team to have training in Madrid is pretty awesome. Up to now I still can't believe it could be possible, that I could get to Europe and back pack towards France or Barcelona whichever is much cheaper. Anyways, let's not get too carried away here. I'm still in Cebu and I haven't even planned out my wardrobe yet. hehehe...
Okay so Tagaytay...Although I have been to Manila 3 times already, twice this year in a span of 1 month, I haven't gotten near Tagaytay. And what's more is that I'll be attending my first every Toastmaster's District Convention. Better gear up my English coz I bet most the people who'll be attending the convention are going to be awfully talkative. And I'm pretty excited coz I'll be hanging out with, let's call him August, August Rush...Why? Because he loved the movie and I loved the movie and music's one of the reasons that brought us two together...Amongst a lot of other things...But then again he's another story...
I'm very happy to report that I've lost a couple of pounds without putting effort into dieting or exercising...What in the world did I do??? I played pool - I have games every Tuesdays and Thursdays @ City Sports Club, stayed in the office late and get myself engrossed with work and fund raising initiatives.
And there's photography...I met another friend, actually she was my classmate in French 101. We're kinda similar in so many ways, independent, hardworking, domineering and thoughtful. She loves drinking tea as much as I do and delves in alternative music. And lately we share another passion: photography! Her name is Jasmin and lately she has become my trusted friend, confidante and mentor. She lent me her Nikon DSLR camera so that according to her I'll be inspired to buy my own. We took lotsa pictures during our APC (Accenture Photography Club) outing (this is one of my favorite shots) which I'm also proud to report that I won second place and had a blast this afternoon when we had our lighting class in Family park. She's like the older sister I never had...
And she's a movie addict like me...I'll post her picture as soon as I'll be able to download it from the cam.

Data Work, Barobaybay Fund Raising, photography, music, movies, billiards, August, family - Aunt Linda, Aunt Baggy and Ping are coming home on May1...yepee...They're the one's keeping me busy... And with constant prayers, faith in oneself and belief in my ultimate maker, I know I can create opportunities for myself and make all my dreams come true, one step at a time...

Toodles

fogged glasses

Life has its way of turning things around, funny coz I always thought that if I laugh today I may cry tomorrow. That has been my belief since I was in high school. It's not pessimism but more of realism that drives me to think that way. Yet the past few days have been quite emotional for me. A simple movie, song or even phrase drives me to tears. I can' t quite explain the feeling, trusting someone with your heart and finding out that they're all the same, God-fearing, sensitive, surprisingly consistent, caring and sincere. Yet they always find ways to somehow rip a portion of your heart into tiny bits and pieces until you bleed no more. And what's worse is that I am aware of Mrs. Roosevelt's words of wisdom: Nobody can hurt you with out your consent. With these words it seems there's no one else to blame but myself and that makes me even more angry. I don't want to be consumed with this wrath, it turns me into a ticking bomb, 4 3 2 1...KABOOM! But once again I have reached boiling point, people messing around, thinking that my smile and my words of escape are one, yet I was merely putting being defensive lightly. If I say stop and smile does that mean that I want them to go on? Should I be angrier and fiercer so that they would believe a single word I'm saying? I'm riding the jeepney alone thinking that this is just one of those days, where I'm not in the mood to be teased, to be humiliated - not that I'm ever up to it -, to be put on the spot, to be fed to the wolves. I'm tired and my crying nights are getting recursive. What am I to do?

A couple of phrases that brought about this emotional rampage:

-when you forgive, you love. and when you love, God's light shines upon you...-
-happiness is real when shared-

Tomorrow's going to be another day, hopeful less disappointments and less heartaches...

Juno steps it up...

Alright basically if you notice my title, you'll figure out that its 2 movie titles...Yep I'm kinda into piracy since I'm one of those who buys pirated DVDs. Well I try to watch those movies on the big screen but sometimes I miss em coz of work or short on budget so instead of waiting 48 years for the VCD copy to come out in VideoCity, the nearest friendly video rental store, I'd buy em in the streets...Of course making sure that they're DVD copies coz our DVD player's kinda sensitive...

Quelle mooshe te pique? - What's gotten into you? in this case, what's gotten into me?

I've been dying to watch Step up 2: The streets since my brother told me of such a sequel. Last week I watched Flo Rida's music video for Dirty Low in youtube just to get a glimpse of how the movie would go...I didn't regret dragging my mother to the busy streets of Colon just to buy a DVD copy of the movie. Its awesome in so many ways...Although the plot nothing out of the ordinary but the dancing and choreography is spectacular. Its so timely since we're on our nth week of hiphop class and even before I heard of the movie, I was planning on doing a choreography of my own for Dirty Low...I know such an ambitious girl...Now where would I insert that into my hectic schedule? Hmm... I still believe that if there's a will, then there should be a way...If you're a dance fanatic like me, you might want to check out: KABA MODERN and JABBAWOCKEES in youtube. Their choreography is out of this world! I'm pretty sure, those dancers in USC are downloading youtube videos in the net. Their steps and choreography are freakishly eccentric.


I still hadn't answered the question, in French...hehehe...Well you know that feeling you get when you hear a nice song with heavenly melody and touching lyrics, you'd want to write one yourself?Then you start writing poetry and a day after you strum your guitar and put a tune or two into your poetry...That's how I felt when I saw the movie. I've been dancing since I was like 2 years old and although there was a moment in my life when I thought I'd given up on that dream, here I am not dancing for some contest or presentation but I'm just dancing for me. One thing I've learned from my Senior Manager: Darwin, he said its okay to have tons of interests as long as you figure out which one of those your good at and stick to it. Well I'm placing dancing on top of my list. There's still 2, 3, 4 and 5 to fill out...

Now what does Juno have to do with all of this? Well the movie is full of brilliant dialogs. Not to mention she's an epitome to this generations' highly empowered women. Its a witty, touching and hopefully movie about a 16 year old girl's pregnancy. I wanted to write a review for this movie but the laziness kicked in considering the fact that I'm back to work tomorrow and I've checked my work mail, we do have one task from our boss in Spain. Anyways, here are some write ups about this movie...

• Movie Review: Juno

• What "Juno" Says About Teen Pregnancy, Abortion and Choice

If you're interested in watching, you can borrow my DVDs...ohhh I'm spreading the virus. This is one of my many addictions. MOVIES...Can't live with out them...Till then bloggers...toodles...

Je suis fatigue. Je desire sommiel. Au revoir. Voyez_vous bientot.

Good Friday

It's Good Friday but here I am still facing the computer after I've figured out why my front USB ports are not working anymore. I kinda promised myself I'd clean my CPU, optimize my hard disk, free up some space -- if its possible, arrange my folders and so on and so forth...And I have to upload pictures both in APC (Accenture Photography Club) sharepoint and also in my multiply site. We're supposed be abstaining from the things we normally do which includes browsing through the net and anything that has to do with computers. But I have no other time. I can barely open my eyes when I get home from work so I'd grab this chance at a holiday and get another part of my cyber world going.

March -- another pretty exciting month. Got tons to look forward to. One is the Diversity seminar which will be on March 29th and the Accenture Cebu Beach Volleyball Tournament on March 30. Plus there's my ongoing Hip-hop class which by the way is like icing on my cake. Heck I get to dance again and practice my craft. Yepee...I'm so happy...

I'm supposed to change templates every month. Hmmm... I hope I can still do that considering all the work and non-work activities in the office.

I can already feel the heat of summer...Another season to look forward to besides my turning 24!Argggg....Can't believe it...I thought I'd like to get married at that age but now that its fast approaching, I think I'll postpone it and would take my financial stability as basis for my readiness to get married. Of course having an actual spouse is another thing...I'm kinda working on it...nahh joke! hehehe...I'm just taking it one step at a time and if life throws me the chance to be with that one man I love, I'd probably cross that bridge when I get there!

I'm still learning photography, music, time management, people management and a whole lot of personality improvement techniques...I hope I can grasp all these knowledge and use it to my advantage.

Toodles...

rubber band

Rubber band is a short length of rubber and latex formed into a loop. Its of course elastic and durable. But it also has its limit to the point that if you stretch it too much, it will break off...

Work has been great in the sense that I have been kept busy, pretty much engaged but still able to attain the much valued "work life balance". This is one of the reasons why I haven't been blogging lately. And the rest, well... let's just say I'm living life!

Two major events this February that happened in the past weeks have been:

Valentines Day
One of the most dreaded day. But if finally came with the hope that it wouldn't be the same as last year or the year before! Surprisingly, the night before I received some flowers from Joel, my cube mate. They were callalily flowers. The kind of flowers I liked. He gave them to 7 girls in the office including myself. He has been such a great cubie and I really appreciate all his help and time when I needed someone to chat with. I told him, he's future girlfriend (since he's still single) would probably be very pampered and lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Hope guys could be as thoughtful as him. I also received chocolates from Mommy Wheng (she's my confidante in terms of work and the pet peeves) and lastly Cadbury chocolate from hmmm...SECRET! Happy thought!
I finally realized how great the feeling is if you won't expect and it all just comes as a surprise. At the end of the busy and tiring day, I went home to my family happy and contented. I just wish we could've had more time to hang out that day. Of course it would just be dinner. But then again, any time spent with him is important to me.


BORACAY!!!
The following day we were off to Boracay. Took a flight from Cebu to Kalibo, Aklan! Rode the coaster from Kalibo to Caticlan and finally a pump boat ride from Caticlan to Boracay. Another never-have-thought-I-could-be-here moment. A dream come true. The sand was so fine and the company I was with - maia, ipay, rhea, edu, jon, bing, andy, canence, sly and che - were great bunch! All the time I was there, I couldn't help but think how I wish someday I could bring my family here to enjoy the beach. It was an island with a long stretch beach and lotsa people in beach shorts and bikinis. More on this on the next blog!

The week after I'm back to being a rubber band. There were times I was to break but then I bounced back to being a loop. I am elastic and durable! I should get through whatever turmoil and stretching there could ever be...

Pet Peeves

I'm not the type of person who holds grudges. If you cross me just give it at most a day for me to recover and the following day, everything's back to normal. But this time, this pet peeves' voice keep ringing in my ear. Her high pitched complaints, her swearing and even her evil laugh haunts my dreams. I'm supposed to just shut it and go on with my work and the rest of my life but she's every where. She's just actually across me...How can I avoid commenting when every time she speaks she makes a fool of her self trying to make a fool out of everybody. Yes what we've got here is a miss-no-it-all b*tch! I should slap myself for trusting her with things about me not expecting that she might use it someday to embarrass me in front of everybody. But I let that point pass because its not too destructive of my reputation. But then comes arguments with regards to work. Trying to set professionalism into play, I calmly explained my side trying my best to sound patient and calm but then her selfishness paved way to her stupidity and waived her capacity to comprehend the process of what we are doing. Steam was coming out of my ears and my face was red and I felt like I was having a fever all of a sudden. Instead of arguing more which by the way I so dislike, I walked away. I went first to Louise's cube to vent out silently, cried a bit to let the steam off and then went to Rhea's cube to laugh it off. Somebody saw me crying and asked. I was tempted to give a bit of what happened and it turned out the entire people in the office well except for her so-called ally disliked her attitude. Then I realized I pity her, she might have friends but someday, they may also leave her because of her bad attitude and foul words.
We'll be having our training for Advanced Smartforms and Advanced IDOCs next week so I won't probably be able to chat and answer emails right away. I'll probably stay as far away from her as possible. There goes my pet peeves for the week... I hope it'll be better next week.

s i n u l o g

I'm pretty excited for Sunday's event. Not only will I be back in celebrating Sinulog - for the past 2 years I've spent it either working on a project or working as an agent - I am more or less participating in it. We'll be covering the event. I'm lucky I got in the Accenture Photography Club and well we have extra perks like getting a Sinulog Photographer's ID for free. Well the company shouldered the expenses so all we have to do is take extraordinary pictures. Whew, such a challenge since I'm still a beginner. Before, I thought its all about perspective and that right timing in capturing the moment. But then after attending the Photography 101 class with Ed Canuto, I realized getting proper lighting makes a huge difference. Then comes aperture, ISO and shutter speed. And that even if you don't have that DSLR (Digital Single Lens Reflex) camera, its merely a point-and-shoot type, just make sure that you have manual settings on it so that you can adjust the 3 important settings. Its going to be tough considering there'll be a lot of people in the streets. But the crowd, the heat and the long winding road won't stop me in enjoying this moment.

PIT SEÑOR!

Just another typical day?

You might wonder why of all the things that happened to me why I should blog about this. Well for one this is a first for this year. 2008. Year of the RAT. It's our year. It's MY year! And as I watched the fireworks on New year's eve, I can't help but feel this huge sense of hope. It feels good to be hopeful, to be looking forward to the vast unknown. Not only am I hopeful but I'm also optimistic that something wonderful will happen this year.

Okay so back to the topic, I got asked out. I know at almost 24 this is such a lame story to feel tingles about. But just give me this chance to let it out.

The guy:
He was my classmate in 4th grade. He said we were friends but unfortunately I didn't remember. I got curious about him because he remembered more stuff about me in 4th grade than I do. It's weird, he even remembered me giving myself a code name of ICEBOX! Anyway he works in EPSON now as a software engineer.

The move:
We texted. Actually he keeps forwarding text messages and sometimes I'd say hello. On a Thursday morning I did after receiving a forwarded message. Then he said he has a delayed Christmas gift for me. I was shocked, didn't expect a gift this late and not one from him. And so he said he wants to give it to me Friday. So that would mean we'd meet up somewhere. He suggested IT park but I declined and suggested Ayala, much nearer to the office. And so there it was, my first official date for the year.

The fear:
We're not that close. I don't usually go out with guys whom I'm not familiar with. I don't usually go out with guys alone. But he's supposed to be my batch mate in elementary, what's there to fear? I am a people person who can converse to different types of people of different age. So why was I so apprehensive about it?

The aftermath:
We met up at national bookstore because I had the urge to buy a book and ended up buying 2: The Living Word, a daily devotional and Pride and Prejudice. We ate dinner at KFC. We pretty much talked about work and the past. He's good company. And surprisingly I relaxed and chatted my heart out. We walked back to our building because I had to turn off my PC before we rode a taxi home. He invited me for a night out but I once again declined. Dropped him off at Mango. I know I should get a life but I'm sick and its such a huge hassle to go out late. When I arrived home we texted some more and ended up asking each other questions. It was good friendly date.

Lessons learned:

I shouldn't doubt my ability to carry myself before anybody
especially when I go out on dates.
That people go out on dates because they want to see the other
person and learn more about them.
That its good to expand my horizon and know more people
outside my circle and outside my office.

P A S K O

As part of the Christmas tradition/obligation, we attended mass yesterday at Sto. Rosario church. I applaud the priest for giving out a great humorous and straight to the point sermon. Of all the masses I have attended, never have I learned so much and laughed so much at the same time. The priest -unfortunately forgot his name- talked about the true meaning of PASKO, a word which means Christmas in our native tongue. Here's a quick summary of his sermon.

P - Pasudla si Cristo - Let Christ enter. For me it means letting Christ's love spread to ever inch of you that you will be able to muster up the courage to forgive, let go of old grudges, forget debts or perhaps delay payment, erase all the hurt and pain you felt towards another person or because of another person. It's easier said than done, I know, but we can at least try if we do believe that Christ is the ultimate savior and He died for us for one reason and one reason alone: LOVE!

A - Atras Bisyo - Step back on the vices. What are these vices we need to eliminate?

B - Babae -- for guys, stop adultery, could be for girls as well...
I - Inom -- alcoholism
S - Sugal -- gambling
YO - Yosi -- smoking

-- while listening to the priest I can't help but look to my left and witness my father's reaction. He has two of the aforementioned vices and I'm not quite sure if he's taking the priest's sermon seriously or he's just letting it pass his other ear. The priest said that its hard to stop right away, to those who drink that they might do it in moderation because too much of everything is dangerous and bad. I do agree 100%. And he went on about smoking and lung cancer. I just wish my father would be touched by his words, its not mine anymore but the priests and somehow, priests are extension of God's voice. I hope he listens this time.

S - Simba - Go to Church. Don't just go to church and sleep, or talk/backbite, or text every now and then. Go to church and listen to what God has to say about your prayers. Most Catholics who go to church have something to ask from God and most of the time they expect answers. But somehow it doesn't work that way. You have to listen very carefully within your heart because sometimes its only through yourself that God gives his answers.

K - Katag ang maayong buhat - Spread your good deeds. Very self explanatory but very hard to do. Just be a good example. Do what you think may not just be for your own good but also for the good of others around you.

O - Ora mismo - Right now! - Do all of these right now. Don't wait for tomorrow to start changing/doing what you have to do. Tomorrow may not come at all.
Hey I'm no saint, I might be struck by one of the latter points but I have so much love in me I'm willing to give it a try and you should too...

Maayong Pasko kaninyong tanan!

Merry Christmas to all...

I had my fair share of holiday rush yesterday. I was with my brother and all along I thought it would be easy since I already have items in mind. But then what would you do if those items are not available anymore? Panic stricken, we roamed the streets of Colon till we ended up in Ayala. My budget was off the roof! But then my brother said, its okay. Christmas comes just once a year. And besides it would take me forever to find gifts that they might like but I don't like giving. Am I making sense here? Anyway, alls wrapped and ready to go...Whew!

After two weeks on not doing yoga, I had muscle aches on my shoulders again. Our final stint last Saturday was to do this Buddha pose, the one where you put your hands together as if praying but instead of putting it in the front, you do it at your back and then bend and put your head on your knee. I don't know if you can imagine it but the one secret to performing every yoga position is breathing. Didn't think I will be able to do it but with the help of our teacher, Arwina - nice name! I was able to pull it off.

I'll be on vacation leave till January 2, so I think I can blog more.

By the way, this is the pic I submitted for my profile. They weren't able to guess who I portrayed, if they paid attention to the middle name, they'd know it was me: NATASHA LOREIN AMOS HAWLEY...Tori Amos' daughter...Got the pic in Deviant though

updates:
-busy-needs rest-contented-kilig-fulfilled-happy-

Merry Christmas to all...

Paris Death and YOU

Pour aller à Paris et mourir!
To go to Paris and die!

PARIS -->

Should that be my dictum in life? Nah... Its just an expression our teacher in French introduced to us when we were talking about the unique jobs they have in France. Most if not all of the artists who created the most extraordinary paintings and sculptors were either from Italy or Spain or Portugal but they lived and died in Paris. Now, the very reason why I opted to jump right in and attend the first language class Accenture offers here in Cebu is that I might one day visit Paris (pronounced as Paree without an S). I know its one of those far-fetched dream of mine but heck who knows. Who could've known that I'd be able to visit Singapore while I was still in college? I love French - J'aime le francais. But I won't die in France...Which brings me to my second topic...

Should I write about you? Or the things about you that up to now surprises me? Is it safe to say that I'm trying to find out who you really are and so far, in spite of all the weirdness you show, I'm still enjoying every moment I spend with you...No this is me not falling...

DEATH -->
We were on our way to Ayala to buy something to eat when out of the blue he asked me: Are you afraid to die VAN? For a split second I thought and then said: NO! I bet that surprised him more than it surprised me because he fell silent for a minute and then asked: Are you sure? And then I told him: I'm actually not afraid to die but I'm more afraid if one of my loved-ones die. I can't bear the pain and loss. Then he said: You are still afraid of death!

Yes I'm afraid of death but not my own.
Yes I'm afraid of death but I have long accepted that it would someday come to each one of us.
Yes I'm afraid of death but its one of the inevitable.
Yes I'm afraid of death but that fear is overcome by faith in Christ.
Yes I'm afraid of death but that fear didn't stop me from living.

It was one of the weirdest conversations we had. And believe it or not I enjoyed it. With him I can think and blurt out whatever I'm thinking. I don't know how he does it but I can say whatever I want and he makes me think of wonderful ideas and takes away any hesitation of not sharing my thoughts.

Then I remembered all those morbid thoughts of my death: Me walking up the steep stairs and then there's a slippery part I missed to evade, I slipped and hit my head on the stair case breaking my skull killing me instantly; or me crossing the street then out of the blue a full speed 10 wheeler truck is just a couple of meters away from me hit me straight on smashing my body out of recognition; or me lying in a hospital bed with a bandage wrapped around my head, all my hair's gone and a life support holds my life together and then my family decides to pull the plug on me. I know, very cruel, very morbid and to me, very real. Could be one of the reasons why I'm not afraid to die, I have already imagined my death. I hope you don't my sharing of the gruesome side of Vanessa...

On another note:
And lastly if ever you get the chance to eat out somewhere, eat at City Grill, great food and a nice band --> 12 pm.

mind, body, heart and soul

What have I been doing the past days??? Didn't get the chance to blog since first and foremost nothing knocked on my brain till now. What am I to blog about???
Got a couple of news and updates:

I just finished my second session of YOGA yesterday and it was pretty challenging. Although the techniques were well demonstrated by our teachers/instructors my body unfortunately had a hard time mimicking the moves. Had to put much effort on rolling my body upwards after the push up position. I wasn't the least bit embarrassed since if not all then most of us including the guys couldn't lift their body's and do more than 2 rolling stints. This is quite a challenge for me since I just realized I'm not that flexible as I used to be when I was dancing with the Engineering Pop Jazz Team, but that was like 2 years ago. And up to now, I'm still into dancing and believe me I want so badly to dance again. But I have to get rid of this extra weight first and condition my body. With yoga - I'll be trying to do it everyday, badminton - every Sunday and proper diet - less rice more veggies and chocolates only on weekends I'm pretty positive that I'll have great results in due time. Which brings me to my second news...

My cousin came back from Singapore where she works as a nurse in one of the hospitals near Orchard - I forgot to ask her where exactly - assigned in the ICU department. She'll be here for the next two weeks and I couldn't be any more happier to see her. She gave me the huge news yesterday. She's getting married come August 2008 and guess who's going to be her maid-of-honor: ME! I couldn't believe it! Its the first wedding I've attended since my aunt got married 10 years ago. And me being maid-of-honor was surprising and well heart-warming. And she asked me to give her a hand in planning for it since she'll still be in Singapore till well August. I'm excited for the big day but I'm even more excited since I'll be participating in the planning. She bought tons of magazines just for us to browse through...Whew!
Well the third one on the list is not exactly news since this would probably sound more of a cliche since I've been going on and on about this since the birth of this blog. But I would still go on about it most especially after watching a movie that would make me think!

The captain told me: your one true love is just right before your eyes.
- rephrased from STARDUST

Then I though to myself if my prince charming is just right around the corner then he could be just someone among my dozen guy-friends. He could be that guy across me who has shares the same views on missionary work, takes the same classes as I do, sings and dances for God and has great faith in Him and by far the only one who calls me by my real nick name? Or that guy whom I thought I fell in love with, who plays awesome music with his hands and sings like there's no tomorrow - the ultimate artist? Or that guy whom I experienced most of my romantic days or so I thought, who's the complete opposite of me and who used to make me feel special.? Or is someone outside my circle, someone I'm yet to meet, not from Cebu or Manila, someone who's not from the solutions workforce, someone who doesn't belong to the industry? And you know what, not having to meet him yet makes it even more interesting, makes it more exciting. And if he does exist among my previous and current group of friends, I'm pretty sure that something wonderful will happen in God's chosen time. I do trust Him you know, and I've already given Him my heart for safe keeping. Its up to Him now to give it to somebody deserving, somebody who needs love and would most likely to reciprocate the love given!

What does a star do? Shine!
But for it to shine, it must mend
its broken heart!

mind, body, heart and sould