Gravedigger

I've been feeling down lately. Simply because once again people have been pushing me to dig the past. The emotions that have long been put away in a crypt somewhere very deep into the ground have been taken out with just a single shovel. I hate it when I'm interrogated or when people force me to answer them with things they want to hear which composes mostly of intrigue. And so last Saturday, in a beach far away from home, I sat facing the waves, crying like somebody died again. MYSELF. I died again...I wonder how many deaths I must surpass to be able to completely rid myself of this awful feeling of remorse. I know someday I might laugh at this post telling myself that I am being emo today. But I was trembling at that night trying to stop the tears from flowing. I was actually communing with God. Feeling his presence through the wind and hearing his voice through the waves. It seems to me that all the frustrations for the past couple of weeks poured down into one major breakdown. If you are wondering why all this drama, Oh well it doesn't have to do with a guy this time. It has to do with disappointments with work. Lately I've been feeling betrayed, useless, helpless and somehow it seems that all the goal that I have set for myself were all washed down the drain. I can't talk about it here. And I even pray every single day that I may have patience and humility. That I may accept the fact that no matter how much work I put into what I was held responsible before, no matter how much the client appreciates my work, I am dispensable. Its so easy to get rid of me. And the sooner I accept that, the sooner I let go of the once loved work that I had established, the easier it is for me to blend into this new team that I will be working with, moving forward. Okay enough with the sourgraping already...

Anyway, I have to make another plan for me. I still need to 2 more years of experience before I can consider venturing out of the country. Wish me luck with this one guys! Hopefully more posts for this March!

Terrified

I watched American Idol when I woke up and heard this being sung by one of the contestants...

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side

Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

This could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back

I could be all that you needed
If you let me try

Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

Bridge:
I only said it
'Cause I mean it (ohhhh)
I only mean it
'Cause it's true (ohhhhh)

So don't you doubt
What i've been dreaming
'Cause it keeps me up
It holds me close
Whenever I'm without you

Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star o
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

I posted the song in my Facebook profile...I'm beginning to think I'm gonna be singing this song single day...

My Funny Valentine

I know I haven’t blogged since I don’t know when.  It’s just that for the past 25 years I have been dreading Valentines Day.  Supposedly a hopeless romantic fool like myself would pine on the coming of this day however, I choose to stay home and watch a very nice chic flick just to let the day pass.  Probably because I already run the scenes in my head, expecting and then ended up feeling disappointed because none of what I imagined came to reality.  Typical. And downright suicidal.  But somehow its different for me this year.  I have learned my lesson.

This year apart from being able to accomplish most of my to-do’s for the day, I had fun playing the Valentine games in our floor, had a great lunch with my close friend Rhea and for the first time in my entire life received a dozen red roses.  I wasn’t expecting anything not because I think of myself as the biggest Valentine loser but simply because for the first time in my entire life too, no one occupies a space in my heart apart from God, family and a few friends.  I know, I would’ve told myself I’m not normal for not liking anyone but you know what, it is actually liberating.  I am not expecting, I am not always on my toes thinking that I might lose the interest of someone special to me, I am not worrying all the time.  I can sleep better at night and I wake up looking forward to another day of productivity and learning.

There’s just one glitch though, the person who gave the flowers didn’t leave any card and told the guard too not to mention where it came from.  So I practically have no idea who to thank.  I would probably post my thank you note in Facebook just incase that person is one of my friends there. 

Anyway, I am currently doing non-delivery work so I might post more blogs moving forward.

Nota bene: To the person who gave the flowers

Thank you so much for being so thoughtful.  I love the flowers.  You made this year’s valentine memorable.  I hope someday I can return the favor.  Not give you flowers but make you smile and be happy.