I'm working in a CENTER!

As of the moment, I work in a center. Nope, not in a call center but just a center. Where we come here at around 8:30 pm just in time to turn on my computer, open my links, login to my IP phone and for almost 4 hours now, I'm still not receiving a single call. We are paid to surf the net, check our mails, check our friendster, myspace and multiply accounts. We are also paid to have a birthday bash and eat ice cream in the pantry. We are paid to listen to as many mp3s as we want and sometimes is paid to download depending on who you're talking about. What a job, right?

WHY AREN'T WE RECEIVING CALLS?

ANSWER: Earthquake in Taiwan

It was such an unfortunate event that happened because eventhough there were only 2 casualties but call center business here in the Philippines will be gravely affected by the tragedy. My only fear is that due to this we won't be coming in to work; which means we won't have salary. What a crappy thought...

Its almost the end of the year. Have I done enough this year? Am I the same person? or did I change like the tides?

I'll try to answer that in a couple of days...too early for answers, but not too early to be planning for the next year. I have got to start saving...That'll be the priority...The rest follows...

the world is too small for me...

I had nothing to do since finally America decided to celebrate their Christmas and stopped calling for tech support. So once again I browsed through the world wide web and to narrow it down, I browsed through the wide selection of Friendsters.

While I was reading through the testimonials of his relatives, I found out that I have seen his cousins near our place. I think we belong to the same barangay, go to the same Church and well actually bumped into each other several times before. I remember smiling at them thinking that they seem to look so damn familiar. Then I found out that my second degree cousin JP are classmates with his cousin. And weeks before I found out that the cute gay guy who smiled at me during "peace be with you" while I was attending mass with my mom is also his cousin. You see how interconnected I am to his world? How can I try to let go of the notion that we fit in the same world? I know you would tell me again not to think about it but the world is getting smaller and it becomes more complicated on my part.

There is something terribly wrong with the picture now. His sister would text me out of the blue. I'm pretty sure that she has lots of friends to communicate with but then she still remembers to send me a "hello" every now and then. I'm making this such a big deal. But she basically doesn't know anything about me. We just talked in person during his graduation. We do text but still not enough for her to consider me as a friend. Well, don't get me wrong because I am grateful for the bond that I have formed with his sister. Its just seems weird sometimes.

You know when I miss him so much?

--when I hear the songs he likes...
--when I look at the sky and see the stars and remember the saying that we are under the same sky looking at the same moon...
--when I see cool pictures at deviant wanting to share it with him knowing that he loves photography as much as I do...
--when I eat pizza especially if I'm alone thinking how he would have enjoyed the treat...

This is getting way tambien(as per my Canadian chatmate Elmo) -- (too) complicated and weird for me...Can I handle this without going crazy?

anyway...



I enjoyed eating the jelly beans my TL is sharing...Its really yummy and I'm going to add it to my list of favorite foods...yum!

Merry Christmas Darling

I spent my inevitable lonely Year 2006 Christmas at the CallTek office, taking a call and talking to some lady who had trouble connecting to the wireless internet. I thought I won't be getting a call but then boom, 2 minutes before 12 which was supposedly my meal break, my phone rang and the rest is history. The people around me were greeting each other, there are already fireworks outside and my groupies are having picture taking and I was taking a call... Well at that very moment, I felt like crying. It seems like I'm not part of the festivity. Its supposed to be a happy occassion but then I was there, and look at myself and felt sorry for me. I know sound so lame but Christmas for me is one of the most important family gathering. And for the first time, I wasn't there to distribute the gifts, I wasn't there to organize the games, I wasn't there to watch a movie with my cousins and talk till morning light comes. Times change, and time changed me. I know I will be able to cope with this and then I realized the moment passed by.

And I realized that if we dread something so much or we look forward to it, that moment will not be still, time will not freeze and we do move on.

Merry Christmas darling
tried to give you a ring
actually it was two
but I never got to you
Once again I gave my heart away
to a person who seems to have no interest
and I'm left hanging by a thread
holding my expectations abridge
when will I ever learn
when will I ever stop giving away
what is left of my heart on Christmas?

i miss those times...

I went out with my girlfriends Louise and Cathy yesterday... I realized I missed hanging out with them, talking about so many things. If we're together, we can't stop talking. Especially that Cathy, who's now working as a flight attendant for Qatar Airways has been traveling a lot so she(the most talkative of us 3) has a lot of stories to tell.

Our whole afternoon was spent eating and talking. At first Louise and I had lunch at Bigby's. I told her I'll just get a sandwich coz we're absolutely sure that when Cathy arrives, we'll be on our way to Starbucks. When we got our orders got 2 huge slices of twin cheese panini sandwich. O my gosh! And although I don't eat sandwiches in restaurants that much, but that was really yummy. I only ate one slice and then had the other one packed for take out. Cathy arrived shortly and thus begun her tale of both the good and the not so frightening experiences she had on her job. When she speaks she's really animated. hehehe ... I mean she uses her hands and you can really see her expression change as she tells the story. We continued our ramblings at Starbucks. Ian - Louise's boyfriend arrived shortly after we arrived and thus they started the teasing... Lousie's sister, Leah aslo hanged out with us. Here are some pictures...

from left: with Leah, Cathy and Louise @ Starbucks


from left: with Engr. Wilfrid Ian Tan, Cathy and Louise

Cathy's flying back to Doha on the 21st. Like me, she's not spending her Christmas with the family but working probably on plane to India. While I would be spending mine at the office, in my cube taking a call...*sigh*

Well I'll be missing Cathy till she comes home hopefully March of next year in time for Ian and Karl's birthday and our long planned and most awaited trip to Camiguin.

Then we had dinner at Chikaan, a Filipino restaurant near my office. These are the good times, talking and laughing with old friends. Alain(Cathy's boyfriend) and Karl joined us for dinner. I can't believe college years are over but I still get to keep my closest college friends. These people have become my family for the remaining years I struggle through college.

Here's a picture of the guys: from left, Alain, Karl and Ian.


And the girls: from left, me, Cathy and Louise.

Even if I didn't get enough sleep and was 15 minutes late for work at least I get to spend time with my friends and catch up on things. I miss them very much. I'm looking forward to our Christmas dinner and night out. Unfortunately Cathy won't be there. =( =)

Till next time...

My day gets weirder everyday...

I heard mass today and I liked the priest's homily. He was telling this story about a class having an exam in Math. He said most people disliked math. (well I've always liked math even if I almost failed in Differential Calculus!) The teacher told the students that they only have 30 minutes to answer the exam...Such a bummer, 30 minutes won't be enough. But then there was this one student who answered the exam in only 5 minutes. So the teacher asked him "how did you finish the exam in only 5 minutes?" The students said "I turned my head to the right and I saw a man. And so I solved the man and I was able to solve the world!"


At first I thought that the man the student was referring to is Jesus but then when the priest explained, the man is supposed to be ME. He said that we should try to solve ourselves first before trying to conquer the rest of the world. Point taken... But then he also said that in trying to figure out who we are, we lose ourselves in the process. And that's such a sad thought. But that's the reason why we need to PRAY. To be guided and enlightened in the journey of searching for who we really are. It is only by faith that we survive the perils of finding our true identity.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he1 told me:
i never knew, i never knew that everything was falling thru...

so I asked:
what is it exactly that he2 told you about me?

he1 told me:
secret...i won't tell on him...

so I let the topic go...

when I got home, ready to sleep, he2 called...

he2 said:
let's have breakfast at tiffany's...

then I said:
thanks for the invite. but i already ate mine...sorry...

he2 said:
no biggie...

but he2 didn't say there was always a next time...that was it...

Then I ask myself: Is it always this complicated? Like do we always have to play cat and mouse in pursuing a person?

You would ask: Do you like him?

I would probably answer: I don't know, not yet...I could like him...

So I say there is always room for a possibility but the possibility flew even before it begun...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let Loose...

We had our company party last night and unfortunately for me, days before, I learned from my brother that our digi cam is not working. I didn't get the chance to had it fixed since I'm caught up with work and doing a panic shopping for our costume and my gift for our chris cringle for the company and manito manita for out batch. So I missed the night's fun of taking pictures and letting lose of the aspiring photographer in me... But then again here are some photos taken by my officemate JP!

These are some of the GS(GlobalSuite) Señoritas. We won 2nd place for the CallTek signature dance contest. For me, it was one of the greatest performance I did. Or maybe I just missed dancing that much that's why after the dance, I felt wonderful!

See how chubby I am?hehehe...Can't help it, I love to eat. Anyways, I tried to improvise a cowgirl look. I just bought the belt for P150 and the boots(not visible in this picture) for also P150. Didn't want to spend more than P500 bucks on shoes I won't be using anymore. I love the hat though, courtesy of my cousin Toby. He loved dressing up like a cowboy.

This is take during the disco part. I dance till I dropped. My feet are killing me. Doesn't look like I'm hurting right? If there's a camera, I'd really smile! With Sue, one of the GS night shift chicks.

You see? There are a lot of pretty girls in CallTek. From left: Cheska aka Tadz, Lerah, Me, Sue aka Toto, Drew aka Kai and Aries. The one at the back of Drew is Cheryl, one of my batch mates in CallTek.

Looks like a rave party right? Well no wonder, CallTek's motto: Work hard, party harder.

Still another photograph with Cheska, Drew, Gabby and Sue.

All in all, I had fun! Especially when I danced with my batchmates. Too bad we weren't able to get our batch's picture taken. (reminds me of my cam again!Arrgggg!) We also won 1st prize for the Christmas tree making contest. Thank God our hardwork paid off...

This is our Award winning Christmas Tree.

I realized, I'm still not comfortable with grindin' with a guy... Or could be it depends on who I'm grindin' with. Too embarrassing for me...*blush*

THE AFTER PARTY PARTY?

After the party we decided to continue our dancing @ Vudu. But unfortunately the place is too crowded with preppies that we decided to chill at the resto bar beside Vudu. We tried their food and ordered some cocktails. We got the promo to order 3 cocktails for P200. So we ordered 2 Cosmopolitan and a Mandrin Mandrino. Their Spanish ham was delicious and the rest are A'ok! We went back to Nancy aka Canence's boarding house around 2:45 am. We slept around 3! We were so tired. And my feet are really exhausted.

In the end, its just another company Christmas party...and we move on!

a date with my BF!

Its a great day for me since for the first time in almost 5 months now I went out with my BF - bestfriend Ivy. I can't believe its been that long since we last talked. She went to Japan to visit her mom. She stayed there for 4 months. You might wonder why I refer to her as my bestfriend where in we don't see each other that much, we don't talk that often on the phone and we don't even text that much. But you see there is a bond between us that only we can understand. She's one of the people that I can openly talk to with out hesitation. Why? Because she's one of the rarest non-judgemental human being there is. I mean don't get me wrong, like me she's no angel. She's not perfect and she admits to it. And she's like my sister and well she is my sister. As usual I was left hanging, seemed that the time we spent was not enough. It isn't really and I told her that we should go out more often. She's actually a medtech in Vicente Sotto and she's on the day shift whilst I am on the night shift. But as what our VP said "If you don't have time, make time!"


So from now on, I'll try to make time to be with people that I care about. I'll try to make time for my family which includes my grandmother and my cousins over at Mt. View, probably bring them their pizza before my grandma flies to San Jose for Christmas, I'll make time for my college friends and have long awaited always postponed party, I'll make time for my close friend Glynnee and hangout with her before she also flies to California on the 20th, I'll make time to meet up with my college Philo instructor turned friend and confident, Maje and buy her that Starbucks coffee I promised her, try to make time to hangout with my best guy friend Doyle, make time to go out and eat dinner or lunch with my girls Deanne, Maia and Bernice...And also meet up with John for lunch or dinner...So who did I miss? Can I do all of this before the year ends? I don't know we'll see...


And gosh still got lots of shopping to do. We're supposed to get our 13th month pay today... Money, money, money...Spending it all on my family... Well I'll try to save some! I got financial issues...hahahaha...I'm not too thrifty...


Gotta end this coz we have to go home and get some sleep. Will have dance practice later...see yah...

I'm in over my head....

I'm so sleepy right now that I could barely open my eyes. But its one of those days that my body is tired, my eyes are stingy but my brain chose this day to function and think. My mom told me "You have a lot of things in mind, that is why you can't sleep!" And she was probably right because this after noon a got a whole lotta stuff in my head.

• The GS(out account) dance for the dance contest.
  
• Why my officemate agreed in one of our IM conversations that I am naive and actually praised the heavens when I told him that one of my realizations last Friday night was that I was too naive.
• My costume for our company's Christmas party
• I haven't started buying gift yet and am not sure if I could find the time and energy to do so.
• My date with my bestfriend.
• How to cure this insanity that plagues me again.

This was my post for yesterday...I wasn't able to publish it because I had to rush after my shift. I was so hungry so we dropped by McDonalds before going home....

Sophia...You're a fire I can't put out....

When I thought that it was all over.... Everything began....

How wrong I was to think that I could do anything, to feel nothing and forget everything.How wrong I was to think that if I would immerse myself in work, drown myself with books and music, that I could not even remember that you existed.But no matter how much I tried to evade the thought of you, it seems that I have failed myself again.

Fore in spite of me giving myself 97 days to try not to think, speak and breathe your perseity, in spite some of my few close friends' counsel to distance myself, to try life with somebody else in it, to open myself to all the other possibilities, with just one song --- the very song that I have loved for 3 weeks now--- I am back to falling.

Why do we always have the same regard to music? Why do we like the same songs? We don't listen together, didn't even bother asking you about it but you end up sharing again. Our love for music is the binding force that leads me back to you....

You're like the fire in Nerina Pallot's new single Sophia:



5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me,
calling out, Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every time, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of those is him.

Blog 2: Nonchalant things...

I have been listening to tons of music at the office lately...
It wasn't really properly defined whether it was allowed or not allowed but since its one of the things that keeps me alive during my shift even if I have the purple bone pillow Ben gave me 2 Christmases ago at my back, I still keep my head up and face towards the monitor.

My officemates would wonder what I was doing because like last week they were all sleeping on their cubes and I was busy listening to music and reading blogs! At least our VP didn't catch me sleeping in my cube. But the earphone is still plugged to my left ear with my headset also on the other side as he said "What's happening here???!" uh oh! Then he sent an email to everybody...
M E M O R A N D U M mania...

And I'd like to answer Doyle's tag...

No Doyle, its not a guy issue this time...Its more like an issue with myself. YOu know how sometimes even if it seems that you have all the things you need in life, how you still feel empty and lost? Well I just went through that phase lately. Maybe its because I kinda lost track of how much I used to appreciate everything else around me. How I used to be thankful for whatever small blessing I have. I used to be so grateful, making the most of what I have. And that thing about my cousin ignited that questioning in me. She triggered a spark plug in me that got me paranoid for a day or two. But I'm at peace with myself now. I believe I will still encounter these issues but then I know I will fight it through prayers. So anyways Doyle, The GUY, you know who he is, is not the issue...It was me all along...

And I kinda took your advise of not thinking so much of the things people do. Surprisingly I'm back to the music business. With a headset and music match in my computer, I'm good to go.



I'm building rapport with my current team mates... Lately, I've been eating breakfast with my team mates even with our TL. And I didn't regret on going over time last Thursday night coz I had such a good laugh with Jackie and Ryan. Lucky for us it was Thanksgiving in the States so there were less calls. We ended up talking and joking around at our unending bloopers due to being so sleepy...

sample:

BLOOPERS1: instead of "Internet Tech Support, this is Lauren..." I said "Internet Explorer, this is Lauren..."


BLOOPERS2: lately our QA advised to use the first name of the guest in dealing with them, but when we started in this current account, our VP told us to use either Ma'am or Sir... So here goes Ryan, " Can I have your first and last name please, Okay thanks can I call you Paul?...[silence, waiting for approval from guest and guest happily approves]...Yes Sir..."


BLOOPERS3: Jackie asked the guest to pull up the command prompt so that they could get the guest's IP address. So Jackie goes, "Okay click on start, then click on RUN. On the run window type in ipconfig." Then guest on the other line says that windows cant find the path specified. So Jackie tries again saying "Ok type in i-p-c-o-n-f-i-g and then hit Ok button." Guest still says he's receiving an error message. Jackie who's now a bit pissed says, "Alright let's try it again I for india, P for peter...[so on..]." Good thing guest is patient is luckily for Jackie a non-techy kinda guest so the guest just obliged and continued typing in then says he's still receiving the same error message. Jackie who then realized that she's doing it incorrectly, the said "Ok on the run window type in cmd, c for charlie, m for mary and d for delta." The guest said "You didn't tell my that earlier!" So the guest is not that stupid after all...Then Jackie says "I thought I did, so now let type in IPCONFIG on the black window!"...


I know if you read this its not that funny but when were there when two of my officemates told the tale of how they embarrassed themselves in dealing with the guests, you would have laughed your head off! Its really hilarious that I admittedly told mine also.

So I would end my blog again,
with a smile and a light feeling
because I have set free of my inhibitions.

Blog 1: midnight horniness...

A couple of days back, my officemates added me to this conference in MSN messenger. - by the way, this picture is courtesy of DEVIANTART.

TOPIC1:
Are you perverted?

TOPIC2:
What sexual position do you like?

TOPIC3:
needles, peanut butter and tobleron ( will just elaborate later...)

To my surprise, the people on the conference are a mixture of single non perverted women, married women, married man, innocent sweethearts, our supervisor - who's also married, perverted single woman and many unidentified feeling horny individuals.

I was laughing the first night at how silly it is for us to be arguing about these kinds of stuff on IM wherein I'm pretty sure most of those who are on the conference doesn't have experience yet. Aside from those who are married already, I'm assuming that most of us here are virgins. But then again, who knows...

So about the needles, peanut butter and the tobleron...


NEEDLE - one of my officemates made a joke and referred the guy's "birdie" to a needle. I'm not really sure if the size of the needle is relevant but from then on, most people her referred to that part of the topic for the night as "needle".




PEANUT BUTTER - this is the only spread available in the pantry so this was the only food they could think of for the foreplay part...Imagine using peanut butter for foreplay...its so icky...I wonder why they came up with that idea...I wasn't actually paying attention to the conversation because I was busy fixin my friendster template and looking for something to blog about.



TOBLERON - to this part, I guess its still part of the foreplay...I'm not really sure what it has got to do with the whole thing coz once again I wasn't paying attention...



so what's the point of this blog? right?


My point is, people in this company tend to think of crazy stuff just keep themselves alive, awake and enthusiastic... Its just a matter of open-mindedness and maturity in handling this kind of conversation. If its your first time, then you'll really feel embarrassed and would blush at the thought but then again, as what one of my office mates told me as they added me back to the conference when I opted to leave, "Lauren you have to know..."

The second night we were on the conference, I was already bored on the same topics. It seems that they're just going around in circles, trying to pinpoint as to who it the most perverted. Then somebody dared them to stop using words and act on it and the conference ended...

I actually Xed out of it because I found this cool website that I could read novels from Dan Brown and Michael Crichton. And while reading through I'm listening to the cd that Doyle gave me which has cool coldplay videos and mp3s not to mention the Radiohead albums...which brings me to...next blog please...

of books and music...

I have been blog hoppin' for several days now and what I've come to realize is that I am not alone in feeling confused...That there are so many others like me who seemed lost. But then I am finding comfort in books and songs and artists like Coldplay, Snow Patrol and The Fray. Music really relaxes my nerves and reading lets me forget things, takes me to different places. And besides Catherine Coulter's books are so fast paced that you can hardly put the book down. Maybe if I weren't answering phone calls and troubleshooting internet connections on different platforms, I'd like to be a crime investigator like Agent Sherlock.













My office mate JP and my best guy friend Doyle have been so generous to me feeding me my daily dose of alternative music. And I still have tons of books at home waiting for me to dust them off and turn the page.

I figured this is my sabbatical...if you're asking from which or from whom...well telling it here on my blog would defeat the purpose.

John you're right, he has his own life to live and I have mine. It may seem dragging at times but I do have a choice to let it be or do something to make it --let's just say-- more exciting and adventurous...

But I'm definitely through with getting drunk. It never happens and I end up getting allergies. I'll try Doyle's way of living...Straight Edge...Now what the heck is that?

From my ever reliable friend: Wikipedia...Here goes...

Straight Edge (sXe, SxE or "Edge") refers to a lifestyle, a personal commitment, a social movement, and a subculture that is closely associated with hardcore punk music. Straight edgers abstain from tobacco, alcohol, and recreational drugs. Additionally, many straight-edgers also abstain from medicinal drugs, promiscuity, and animal products.

Not that I'm into hardcore punk rock music entirely but its more like I'm going to adopt the lifestyle of straight edge...

But for the very reason of practicality I think I'll just have to start with doing away with tobacco (never will smoke), alcohol (try my best not to drink - even on parties) and any recreational drugs (hahaha as if!). I can't live without medicinal drugs because I have awful allergies that cause my sinuses to swell and there goes my sneezing and tear dropping moments again!

And as for the animal products, I eat whatever is provided for me so if my family's having meat, I should eat or else I'll starve. I don't usually eat in the office, I donate my food to the poor guys who have such appetite that one lunch box is not enough -- growing boys or rather men... And besides I love to eat meat. But if I were to choose my food, I would definitely go for chicken and tuna then bring on the vegies...

So in a month or so I'll see if I am able to live the straight edge way of life!

Well so much for food, it makes my stomach churn...TUNA SANDWICH...its going to be payday tomorrow...watch out!

I love life...
I live life and love it!

till then...chow!

What do you look for in a guy?

-good sense of humor, sensitivity, wits, thoughtfulness
>>>this was in one of the surveys I answered way back in 2003...

some random quiz that occupied my idle time while I wasn't taking calls...

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Are You a Challenge?

JUST IMAGINING THAT I HAVE A GUY...

Your Guy Is Not A Player!

At least, all signs point to "negative" What your guy is: straight up, honest... And a one woman man. This one's a keeper - so hold on to him.

Is He A Player?

after attending mass yesterday, I was kinda enlightened a bit. The Gospel was basically about generosity.

GENEROSITY
>>> the priest said that generosity comes when even if a person has no more extra to give he still chooses to share what he has left to those whom he thinks needs it more than he does.

Now does genuine generosity still exist in our world?

Where's my Solace?

where is that place?
that I used to feel at peace?
I tried to find me in them
but all I see is confusion
a mixture of egos
all blended into one lie

I tried to find me in nature
but that is not my domain either
the wind touches my skin
but it still leaves me sad and weary

I tried to find me in music
and it soothes my soul somehow
but the words in poetry cuts like knife
on my already bleeding heart

I guess it only goes to show
that I need not question
that I need not search
that I need not walk that path
of trying to find me outside who I am

I still got what it takes

I went out tonight...Our supposed team building turned out to be just a night out with some of non-Janet team like Shine and her bf Pare, Tess and JP...don't know what happened to my 5 other team mates. I had too much laughter, a couple bottles of beer and a whole lotta cigarette smoke to my face and I'm all good...

Had several realizations...

~that if I'm with the right group of friends, I won't be lonely...
~that I don't easily give into temptation...
~that I still am not drunk with 2 bottles of red horse
~that if I try so hard, I can push my mind to delete his memory, even the very thought of his name
~that in fairness, when I looked at the mirror, even if I was a bit tipsy, I wasn't ashamed of what I saw...

As what John said in his tag that I only question my beliefs if I'm with a company who doesn't seem to agree to my beliefs...And I thought long and hard as to who exactly in my set of company contradicts or opposses my values...and guess who popped my mind...my cousin...TSAI...yep...we're of the same age, of the same family lineage, the same school except for college, used to have the same interest but totally differnt personality...We're completely opposite. And it hit me that the very moment we hanged out was the beginning of my soul searching.


But some other cause for this internal crisis is the very person who inspires me. The very guy who consumes most of my idle time, my mind, the songs, the pictures and the moments. Yep, and you want to know why he causes all this personal dilemma? Because I realized that I want to stop myself from thinking that I have fallen because I have not known what it is to really fall...


So to John who have become one of my trusted confidants, I am grateful because in spite of us not having to talk that much, me not a part of your world now, you have so generously given me a part of your time, to think things through...

To Angelie who have constantly read my blogs, thanks so much for being so honest and straight forward with your thoughts...


To all those who read but won't give a piece of their mind... I appreciate your dropping by...at least you cared to know how my life goes...

TO: him...
I don't want to fall if I'm not sure
I don't want to love you if I haven't found a part of myself

Who am I really?

Been having this identity crisis lately. I mean when I graduated from 6th grade I was really confident that I partly knew who I am already. I mean I don't question if I have the heart of a girl or a guy. Its pretty obvious that I'm not confused in that part of my identity. When I got to college I was more sure than ever of who I am because my faith was defined, it was tested and thus strengthened. The ultimate confusion that I have with myself is that the values on which I grew up with, the values which defines who I am seem to be shakey and questionable. It seems righteous and judgemental.

The real world frightened me due to the very fact that finally I was opening my eyes to the truth of humanity. What I discovered scared the hell out of me at the same time left me curious at the vast possibilities that lies ahead. Those of who are not that familiar with how my mind works would probably think of me as crazy...Crazy to question my own belief, my own values. But is it not the right thing to do? To question from time to time what we believe in?

So who am I really?
Or rather what am I?
What am I capable of?
What am I not capable of?
What do I believe in?

Can you see how lost I am right now?

I wonder if I'll ever be able to find ME...

image is from DeviantArt

so cold...

I just heard my office mate Shine complained and asked someone to turn down the airconditioning...it is cold but I don't mind at all...

I just had several confusing and irritating cases. I had to shout out so that the engineer could hear me on the other line.

So whats on my mind right now? S L E E P.... S L E E P.... S L E E P....

Watched the movie A Walk To Remember again...still cried on the same scenes...

wahhh im not gonna write some more coz my mind is so blank right now...

You Are 39% Scary

You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

the tides...

My mood is like the tide, it keeps going up and down...

Right before my cousin left I felt a bit of a rebel. It seemed to me that I was trapped in this cage and the ones who hold the keys are my parents. But after going through the violent battle with myself over which aspects in life I was to put into consideration, I realized I was being selfish. I wasn't being grateful just feeling that way. It dawned me that all they wanted to do is to as much as possible protect me, letting me think twice in making my decisions.

My cousin was right about me being free to make my own decisions but it wouldn't hurt to listen to some advise from the ones who are wiser.

I figured I love my parents too much not to listen. I love them too much not to consider how they feel in every action and decision I make.

As often as my mood changes, so does my heart's decision. At one time I would think that I am falling deep into the pits of this insane longing for him. Then next thing I knew I would tell myself that he's not worth it, he's not worth another heartache, another sad moment, another teardrop... I have not cried for him, I guess I'm that much stronger??? compared to the last time with .... but I keep circling around the entire idea. I'm trying hard not to think of him but I end up dreaming. I'm trying hard not to text him but then end up replying to his joke. I need a diversion, fast...

Anyway, its almost Halloween. Our part of the office is quite eerie already. The morning shift people did a great job at decorating our office and our cubes. Mine's a bit messy, I have try to make it a bit cleaner. But Halloween is supposed to be messy, bloody messy(sounds like an Englishman)! So I think I'll let it be...

I just wish that I can see the true light at the end of the tunnel, not some train that would smash my head or some deadend.

I wish you were here...I don't know who that YOU is...

So what AM i going to be on halloween???

I'm quite shocked when I went to work today. Saw that guy I mentioned in my previous blogs. He was helping out on the decorations for halloween. We have this contest in the office. We have to decorate our area and the best account that has the best decoration wins like a P1,500 bucks.

Okay so you might think, what is she doing with that guy again???

Actually, I decided to be friends with him. I decided to be friends with everybody including the love of my life. F R I E N D S some without but mostly with benefits? Nahh...don't want to go through the drama later on. Anyway, talk to you later about the love of my life.

Let's go back to this guy...So he was on the floor painting the news paper with black ink. Then he called my name and said he needed to talk to me. I was kinda annoyed at first coz he was smoking. You know how I hate it when I'm talking to someone smoking in my face. But then what he said shocked me...He told me he was hearing stuff about me leaving the company. I was totally appalled. I didn't think that the rumors would reach him or that he would care at all. As far as I'm concerned, he still is playing games with the entire office. But then when he told me not to leave and that I'm one of the reasons why he likes to stay, I was touched. Not that it would change my decision if ever one of the companies I applied for would offer me a job. But really, of all the people who would talk me out of my decision, he's the last one on the list.

Anywayz, I'm just glad that we're friends now and that I don't feel awkward talking to him. He even said that he knows he doesn't show that he cares coz he just text me once in a while and that he doesn't talk to me that much but he really does care for me as a friend. Me being such a good natured person actually believed him. I don't want to be a cynic anymore and I still want to believe the goodness and sincerity of each person!

so much for that...that's just me flattering myself...

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE...

---is so far away from me right now
---doesn't seem to have an idea that I am inlove with him
---does seem to have an idea that I have my eyes on him
---was hurt and could probably be still hurting right now
---told me that he doesn't want to have a serious relationship right now
---doesn't text me or call (which figures: I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND)
---maybe the only guy who's on my mind right now...unless...

Unless if someone could steal my heart away from him...

I am crazy...I want to lose myself in work or in thinking of music or arts and get back to making flash using Flash 8(thanks to JP) or make my own template for my website using Dreamweaver 8(thanks to JP again). I hope someone or something could help me forget him...

Ian's last question: WHO BROKE YOUR HEART? isn't it obvious? one of the most sensitive person in the world!

peace out...

so what am I going to be on Halloween?

The rebel me...

How would you try to love someone and then try to love yourself too?

It seems that I'm feeling crappy lately...It could be because I've realized from our Moalboal trip that there is no spark between me and him...It could be because I have come to feel weary with this current job that I have...It could be that I'm just so fed up with putting up with the same people who I try to protect, I try to please, I try to love... I should humble myself with this people, they're the only family that I have but sometimes my blacksheep cousin makes sense. My life shouldn't be dictated, not even by my own parents.

AM I OLD ENOUGH?

I think I am...To make my own decisions and stand by them. To make mistakes and learn from them. To speak my thoughts(still needs practice, more practice) and convey my emotions in a verbal manner. But I can't even tell my brother that I'm pissed because he's being a pain the ass nor could I have the gutts to show him how I truly feel (not referring to my brother but to somebody else)....

Currently I am battling this demon of being selfish and being selfless...So which is which? should I think of mostly myself and enjoy life to the fullest or remain in this cage and exert all effort to bring joy to my family?

Does that mean that to live fully is to do what ever it takes to attain what I wanted, to have what I longed for with out considering the feelings of other people most especially those who mean the most to me?

Could I really be that selfish?

So now why do I want to rebel? to go against the current? to defy the norms?
Is this the sign that I am tired of how I live my life? People who barely know me always mistook me as someone who's a goody-two-shoes. Well news flash: I am not!

Its the end of my shift now, I can barely open my eyes... I need sleep, I need a very long sleep...

check out the picture below:



Just a taste of our Moalboal/Kawasan excursion...I really love this pic!