I Marvel at the STarS

Took this picture last January 18, 2009. Had the best time taking photos last Sinulog that I didn't mind at all that my feet's killing me, I'm sweating all over and I was like one of those who were trying hard to be dubbed as a photographer.

Started the event walking alone and ended up walking still with August...

Last week was hard, had to talk to iron things out. And now we're hanging in there...He still wants me to stick around and so I will...

Sometimes, the person with the biggest smile has the saddest heart!

Chivalry is not dead!

Chivalry, according to my bestfriend: is the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. In my understanding, if applied to recent times it is when a guy gets out of his way to do small but noticeable acts of being a certified gent like open doors, stay at the danger side of the road while crossing the street, offer to carry our paper bags and many others. When I was in first year college a friend told me that there was an article written about chivalry being dead. And since I decided to take up Engineering, a male dominated world of college, unfortunately I was led to believe that it is sadly so up until I hanged out with Jhe-Ar, Benny, Alain, Ian and Karl. But don't get me wrong, these guys maybe gents in their own right but I had my fair share of teasing from them.
Yesterday, while riding a jeepney to Emall, I saw an old couple about to take the same ride as I was on. The old lady took a step first and while everybody was moving to give her space near the entrance, the old man was assisting her. When they were finally seated, I noticed that the old man was carrying the old lady's purse. I thought to myself, how sweet. Would I also get the princess treatment? Maybe not today...Soon I hope. Then I remember, I do get to be treated queen especially when I'm sad or I teary eyed. I didn't know that ice cream would still comfort me especially when bought by the same person who made me cry trying to make ammends. I know its so childish, that's what I told him. Who ever said we can't be kids again? he said. I know he's trying his best to meet my expectations, not as a lover but as a friend. He does carry my paper bag, not my purse (I'm not that cruel!), and if he remembers he would shift to the danger side of the road or hold my hand when we cross the busy traffic. I have to believe that there is a certain gentle side in him that needs my patience.
Chivalry is not dead, us ladies just need to awaken it from the guys. Give them time and opportunity to show us what they've got as gentlemen!

Happy New Year!

Sparks

I finally found someone whom I can share my thoughts without speaking...So how would I ever do it? Communicate without uttering a single word? Here are some ways:

• MAKE FACES - he knows that I'm on to something if I have a huge grin on my face or if I'm pissed if I have my poker face on. I don't know how he does it but he reads minds. As opposed to Edward Cullen of the Twilight series, he can only read mine.
  
• PINCH - he would pinch me if he misses me. I know this sounds so assuming of me but this is the entree in a full course meal. Starts with a pinch, then a brush of the hand, wrapping his arms around me and finally planting a kiss on my cheek.
  
• NUDGE - if we crave each other's attention we would nudge each one's shoulder. We have silent moments especially when we just got off from work and we're still trying to get some fresh Ayala air into our lungs. And sometimes we get lost in our thoughts. A nudge would remind us that we have each other and whatever it is that's bugging us would eventually come out.
  
• MAKE LAMBING - if we both want something from each other.
  
• And of course the PAMATAY NA EYE CONTACT...hehehe...

I know, its kinda mushy but heck we do it almost everyday. I don't need to tell or ask him what to do or say. I learned to lessen expectations and yes sometimes life does take me by surprise.

I might have been wounded and bruised but I'm still alive, more alive than ever.

Sigh

Today I was surprised by his actions...and he was surprised too...I try to thank the little things he does for me, showing me that he cares just a little bit more...Buying me lunch, taking my ride home just to make sure I was safe even if it was totally out of his way...I know I shouldn't go there again...Putting in colors to nothing again...All I can do is take a long deep breath...Is this real?Is he real?Am I really awake when all of these things happen? We text till the wee hours and I'm still not convinced that he's real...He calls me out of the blue and still I question myself if there is something to it besides his boredom...He misses me he says...I hope he really does...Haayyy....Life...Wahhh...Love...is this it friends?

Bittersweet Symphony

He kept on singing the first few lines of the chorus...And I started to wonder again what it is that he keeps on humming. He said he found it in his friends page in friendster and he liked the song. So then I asked him what song it is and he said he forgot. On the taxi ride to Guadalupe (I was invited for dinner to my aunts house) he sang it again. Then he told me that what the title is - The man who cannot be moved! And guess what he said he dedicates it to me...I was appalled at first with the title...But then I searched the lyrics and heard the tune...I liked it as well...

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

So now that even if he were not here and I have to spend 9 days all by myself I can still survive. Well technically I didn't get to spend it on my own...My hands are full with work, Photography club, Toastmasters and security initiatives.

Dedication

I'm not sure if this song is dedicated to me but it somehow made sense...Thanks to Kelem!

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

I'm off to Samar tomorrow...I probably can't blog there...anyway till next week...

just leave a message

Darn it Tag-board is not working anymore...changed to cbox...It's going to be a long week...
Anyway, I found out that I can open my page in our office...goodie...I hope I can open blogger too...It's very secure there that there are a lot of blocked sites...

have to go work...Aurevior...A bientot!

At some point...

I was blog hopping...trying to get some sense out of this world through an artist's mind...I happen upon one of HER blogs... and I just wanted to quote...

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender. - Emil Ludwig

Darn it...there's more truth...

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

and so I'm back to being in limbo...nothing is clear at the moment but the shear pain that becomes very vivid when he's not around...Wanting something you cannot have has been my life's main objective...Darn it...I wish he could read this...but he can't coz he can't know or else I'll be waving the white flag...

Once

Watched a movie from Czechoslovakia 2 Fridays ago. There were dozens of European movies that were shown in Ayala's Onstage. We were hoping we could catch the one in French but then they changed the schedule. The movie was typical, the acting was realistic, plot was somehow new to the Filipino mindset however the soundtrack was surprisingly well thought of. There was one song that was also part of the soundtrack of movie Once (still have to find a copy of this one coz they say its also a nice movie). The song is simple yet it brings out emotion. I think its because of the melody, so passionate and true.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Listen to the song...Can't find just an audio clip to embed!




Had my nails painted yellow green...I was to choose between this color and purple. He was with me when I had this done in Fab Nails...He chose yellow green over purple...And so I went for it. Ahhh....I haven't been so attached to a person for a very long time that it seems so surreal to have him almost always near me...I hope this lasts longer than I expected...

butterflies in my stomach...

Need I say more?

Please dont say I love you, those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble
Dont think you realize the effect you have over me
And please dont look at me like that, it just makes me want to make you near me always
And please dont kiss me so sweet, it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please dont touch me like that, it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please dont come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always

Please dont send me flowers, they only whisper the sweet things youd say
Dont try to understand me, your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always

And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands
Its nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always

I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

To Maia and Bing: I think I won't be able to buy you dinner on December!LOL!

mise à jour

Finally, I'm home on a Saturday, nothing to do but laundry. I'm not going anywhere. No overtime in the office since Miguel, our counterpart told me to enjoy the weekend even if I still have pending work, no scheduled laag since girlfriend Rhea is packing her stuff - she'll be flying to Thailand tomorrow and staying there for 3 weeks (I'll miss her, no body would call me "HOI LABAY!" anymore!), no community activity to attend to since its still the start of Accenture's fiscal year. What a bliss...Staying home! I miss this...And I miss blogging...

A lot has passed...Over the past weeks since my last blog I have kept things in synch with my expectations of people and events but expecting less. Well not really expecting less but more of expecting different things but all positive.

I don't get to have those disappointments anymore since I always tell myself that whatever happens its not the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you. But lately I've been keeping out of trouble by thinking out of the box, thinking that to every problem there is a solution or a way to get out of it...hehehe...

A lot of good friends are leaving...

KARL - flew to Lexington Kentucky last Sept 17, 2008. He'll be staying there for 4 months meaning he'll be spending Christmas there also. But he'll be back in no time!

Kuya Natz - mentor and president of Accenture Cebu Toastmaster's Club will be going to UK to work there for 15 months. He's one of the most positive person to hang out with. Every meeting is catered with LL - learnings and laughter.

Cecillia - mentor and VP Education of Accenture Cebu Toastmaster's Club will be leaving the company and going back to the footprints she left behind. No more adviser for me. Her and Kuya Natz make a good team up. She's very creative with words and strategies...But she'll be just a stone's throw away...So I'll still be seeing more of her in our ACTMC meetings.

New Roles and Responsibilities...

Since its the start of the FY09 we have new non-work roles. Mine stays confidential. All I can say is that it frightens me to be given this huge role but so far this is the bestest opportunity to step up. A lot of people are backing me up --> I can do this...

On love...
Oh well, we're still what we are...Relax is a virtue...But I'm not shutting my door for other people. Kai is setting me up on a blind date - I don't know when...When man Kai?hehehe... and my close Korean friend Nicky hooked me up with an architect named Gilbert who works in Waterfront in Mactan...he texted me for 2 days and so far that's it. According to Jasmine, whoever fights the hardest for me, wins! Mura Tekken...hehehe Anyways, I'm enjoying my time with August Rush and we've already settled that he's not going anywhere just yet.

toodles...

UNDEFINED

We are friends. We are confidantes to each other. He tells me his story and I tell him mine. He leans on my shoulder when his head is aching and I, well I put my chin on his shoulders when I needed mending. We like to eat out, especially during Friday nights, pizza at Acha Pizzeria. We love music very much. He pinches me and I punch him. We do have our own little world sometimes. It's like we're trapped in a bubble. But we are not lovers. NOT yet. So what are we then? He misses me but doesn't say it...He says action speaks louder than words...Would it be the reason why every chance he gets he gives me a hug?Could it be just a brotherly love? Then again...WE don't have a definition and I'd rather not lay down everything just to satisfy gossip! So don't grill me and squeeze the truth out of me because the truth of the matter is, I don't know what we are...All I know is that I want to spend most of my time with him and he seemingly wants to be with me too...Let me just enjoy this...I know you may think I deserve better than this, maybe I do but patience is still a virtue and as what Jasmine keeps on saying: things will unfold eventually but right now, JUST ENJOY!

UNWANTED

Last night we had a talk. And the uncertainty was brought into the table. You were concerned of us hanging out affecting my dating other guys. Come on...I'm not stupid and they are not either. If they really, really like me they would get any chance to be with me regardless of me hanging out with you. I'm sorry if I'm such a hard headed fool but I am not really convinced that you asked that question out of mere concern. If I want to date other guys its my choice and I would have acted on it on my own. Maybe I would need a little help here and there but then again, if they want to be with me, I DARE THEM TO MOVE!

It pisses me off cause I'm trying to understand where we're getting here but all we do is run in circles. And now I get you don't want obligations, responsibilities and commitments. No strings. And you don't believe in relationships. Hello...Wake up friend, FRIENDSHIP itself is a relationship. I guess any bond that you form with another person that would entail you giving your time, effort and money is relationship. Even your dealings with your business associates is a relationship. You are a smart ass but sometimes your notion of things is insensible and stupid. Well don't let me be the judge of that because you are entitled to your own opinion.

I can go on blabbing about all this however this cannot get to you. YOU are not reading my blog.

I'm just so angry right now... KABOOM!

magnet

I can't believe how much I'm drawn to your presence. You don't seduce me, you're not that type. Well what exactly is your type? And besides I'm not easily seduced by looks. There is a possibility for words...but then again it depends...Even if I'm just sitting beside you, I feel safe and loved. Even if you are inches from me, I still feel you how much more than that?

I am sitting here on a Saturday night, listening to Clannad's I will Find You. And I feel my heart burst right this instant.

So what is the difference with this feeling now compared to the feelings I had before YOU?

It feels right.

And I feel that I am ready...It's been years..

Inlove with my Bestfriend

MJ's wedding was so beautiful it once again brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was very private and solemn, attended only by family and very close friends. I chatted with her first degree cousin who was also one of the readers and she revealed that MJ wanted only 50 people at her wedding. Then I thought to myself, I wanted that number too - if ever I'd get married - then I thought again, my family is quite a huge bunch, so 50 heads would comprise only the bride's side of the family. Funny thought! MJ was very beautiful and radiant and the groom - lets call him - Colin Farrell, coz he looks like Colin, well even better looking than the actor himself - was very handsome. Good thing I didn't mess up the singing of the responsorial psalm considering I only made up the tune the night before the wedding. They've been friends for 10 years now and I believe a relationship that initially started with a strong foundation of friendship would surpass every obstacle and would flourish with the love that has grown along with it. I'm so happy and excited for my friend. She's currently one of the closest and most trusted friends I have today. Best wishes to MJ and Colin...

I want to fall in love with my best friend...Whoever that may be, I still have no clue. But I'm hopeful...I remember writing something like this in my diary:

Even if I've been hurt so many times that my heart keeps on breaking into pieces, at the end of the day, I'd still want to fall in love and let love put my heart back together.

best wedding song...

best wedding song...

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Looking for a better me

Amidst all the pressure - work: catching up with all the updating of documents, audits, knowledge transfers, conflict with office mates trying to keep my temper afloat, trying not to lose my mind despite all the stupidity floating around - anniversary party preparations: I have again the opportunity to organize a huge event however too much load had placed on my shoulders upon learning that I'll also be part of those who would perform the grand opening number with a theme of MOULIN ROUGE. I know its an old movie but the song and dance combination is fit for our theme. And then there's personal issues. It seems that I'm struggling with all the emotions felt that sometimes I would think if I would be better off not caring. I could be like "The Monster" as what my officemate Bruno calls her. She doesn't care a single bit and I think she's happy. As opposed to me who according to "August" has this super hero complex, tries to help and do as much as I can. My main problem according to him is that I can't say NO. Am I one of those people who wants to please everybody? And so, amidst all these excitement in my life, I realize I should PAUSE, breathe in and out and reflect on who I have become for the past 1 year and 2 months that I have been working in my current company. I have been to places, seen different kinds of personalities, been with different types of crowd and yet I still question who I am now and what my principles are. I'm still searching for the better ME. Could be one of the reasons why this heart hasn't settled yet...As opposed to all those who are getting married next month! Picture below is where I want to disappear to when I can't take it anymore...That would be the most selfish thing I could do...DISAPPEAR TO TRANQUILITY...

gratefulness

i wish i could tell you
how much i appreciate your existence
your words
your stare
your laughter
your frown
your teasing
your making my head spin with anger
your touch...
for letting me know
that somehow
in your own ways
you are there for me
that you will never let me be
lonely or sad
or feeling blue
from the bottom of my heart
thank you...

cold wind blowing

As I stepped out of the plane to the Amsterdam airport, we had to ride a transfer. I felt a chill in skin and I thought the whole country was airconditioned. The wind was cold but nice...Its the same wind blowing in Madrid but colder. Suddenly I miss home. People here don't speak English so all we do is sign language. But somehow we were understood. With a little bit of French I got by...

I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my co-workers.

Then I figured, I should enjoy this. Its a once in a lifetime opportunity to be here, now! I'll try to document every minute of my stay here. Adios!

BTW: shacks internet cost 6.20 Eur...darn!