Migraine

Why do good people always get hurt? Here I am wishing again to the heavens that the people I care about would be spared, from the devastating heartaches caused by human cruelty. I was listening to Sara Bareilles' Gravity:



And once again got the urge to cry. I am heartbroken because someone is heartbroken and I can't do anything to stop it. As they say getting over someone or something is a process and it needs ample time. One must respect the process. I am getting a headache right now. And someone just told they have brain cancer and needs operation tomorrow...I wish it was just a practical joke. I can't take anymore of this.

Things I need to accomplish by next week:
~prepare my CV
~meet up with Maia
~finish encoding Minsan Ka Lang Iibigin in NotesComposer
~pay for the TM dues
~cover my books
~review the yoga positions
~visit Jasmine and Ezri

What to look forward to?
~date with my sisters

sweet madness

When will I ever learn?I am falling again into the abyss of the unknown.Diving head on.Unknown.Dark.Dangerous.Yet falling still.In your pain.In your smile.In your words.In knowing you.I dive further.Sinking.Drowning in my own admiration.Suffocating on the longing for more.More time.More moments.More words.More knowledge of who you really are.I can't stand still.I am living my life to the fullest.Yet every moment I breathe.Every moment I speak.Every second I smile.My heart skips a beat and I think of you.

Intersection

I just have to blog this...

Today I am beyond euphoric if there was such state. You should've seen my face, I was glowing. I can feel myself glowing and my cheeks burning.

And yet it is all too real, too fast, too much?

Who am I to complain?I have never in my entire life been treated like some precious stone - exaggerating again. But how can I ever describe this day without sounding too much? Nor being to brash about the whole situation. Urggg...I wish I could just sing all of these feelings and put it in a song. A song that I will remember everytime I feel sick and tired of being lonely.

I want to connect the dots but even that is too early to do. This is madness in its sweetest form!

~he never misses to make me smile in every single second of my day.
~he tells me how grateful he is.
~he was genuinely sorry for hurting my feelings...not knowing he was forgiven a long time ago.

Momentum-Killer

I got home early today because as I was typing away on the code that was brilliantly scripted in my brain, the power in the office went out! It was still 6:30 PM. As an obedient employee, since I got in at 8:30 AM I fixed my clock for me to go out at 7:00PM, I know 9 hours seemed too long all of a sudden. Although I turned on my pc back again, I couldn't think straight anymore. It was as if the logic that took me 10 minutes to figure out was wiped away. Darn! But I am grateful, I didn't get to stay in the office till 10PM on a Monday night.

Last 2 weeks ago I had to work from home coz guess what, I got the mumps. I was enjoying the arrangement up until Friday when my migraine begun to suck the life out of me. My fever was manageable however, I kept on vomiting everything that I ate and drank. So I had to be admitted to Chonghua to have fluids thru dextrose. For the first time in my entire life, I was an official patient - the H1N1 scare didn't count coz I was healthy as a horse then. Up until now, I still haven't gotten my appetite back. Everything is either too salty or too sweet. I'm worried coz my love for food is slowly disappearing. That when I finally had the chance to eat at Spice Fusion with college friends the weekend after I got better, the food with all its spices and marinade, was just OK for me. I waited so long to dine at Spice Fusion but to my dismay, it was just normal. Scary!

A lot of momentum-killers; aside from the freakin brownout, no budget, no time and awful people who thinks they know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I would imagine pulling their tongues out of their mouths before they could even dare to speak and twist it into a tight knot! That should keep them quiet while I try to plan my escape. But, I keep on hearing my friend Kate say to me: Van, be a lady till the end! So I smile and walk away.

Anyway, I am currently trying to look for French lessons online so that all those Saturdays of French lesson won't go to waste. I am still in love with the sound of the language. And my determination to master the language is back. I might someday write a song in French.

Gotta go listen to madamoiselle parle Francaise. Au Revior a bientot!

ICEBOX

I got this ICEBOX where my heart used to be... - Omarion

Did you know that I had a code name when I was in 4th grade? Yep I was so hooked into this football movie: Little Giants that I adopted the girl's name: ICEBOX. And there was only one person who remembered it. He admitted of having a crush on me when we were classmates under Mrs. Montebon's homeroom. Just a little trivia...

Anyway, what have I been up to lately???

Currently I am still working in the same company still doing tons of SAP work specifically only Reports from Reports Interface Conversion Enhancement Form Workflow, so you can see even if I take all the jobs from 3 different countries all at the same time I'm just learning one aspect of SAP. But on the contrary, I am also touching a bit of the functional side, learning as much as I can. I know you can't relate to this so moving on...

I am currently the president of Accenture Cebu Toastmasters Club, Core group for Accenture Cebu Photography Club and Core Group for Accenture Chorale Group Cebu. Whew, I know got my hands full and I am still very interested in teaching in Pasarelle, one of the joint initiative of USC, ACN and the French folks. Gosh I know, when will I ever stop? answer: when I am no longer breathing!

And my best office bud, lunch mate and one and only antagonist in my life: Chibby has got me all worked up with all these dances by Mia Gonzales. She's Japanese but teaches awesome hiphop and jazz. So I am more determined than ever to go to Abellana on a Saturday, jog and put some choreography into the mixes by Pitbull. Especially now, after visiting the clinic this afternoon to my horror I agained 2 pounds...Arrg...but still gratefull, coz I am healthy alive and kicking ass!

Busy busy busy.

Happy happy happy!

Je te desire...****** ~_~

I am Worth A lot

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing
the question:

'What kind of man are you looking for?'

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?'

Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.

She began to expand, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what you can do for me that I can't do for myself?

I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring
to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally
because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I
don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is
a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't
need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I
go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies
and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest
and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must
respect him.

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I
have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will
recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection,
but he will always be drawn to me.



God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he
can't help himself.

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a
lot'.

She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

Trivial

I know its awfully late but I can't sleep. I think I slept too much on the supercat on the way home and when I got home I took a nap again before we attended the 6PM mass.

I am currently opening up to a total stranger. Well he's not entirely a stranger. I met him 13 years ago and didn't see him after the year 1997. We were in the same dance group in 2004 but then parted ways again since he was in a different department. And now surprisingly we are talking about me and my love problems. And then for the first time and the only person who had the guts to point out to me one thing.

Ask yourself why it didn't turn out to be what you wanted!

That's the thing I need to ponder on. And it would probably take me a while to figure it out. And it had to be somebody from my past who just popped out of now where who's going to help me out.

And I think I'm almost back to my old self throwing away the cynicism, living romance again, feeling the words from songs again. Yep that's me, the hopelessly hopefull and romantic me...

And he sings: I WAS BORN TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!

Au revoir a bientot!

Quick ?

Is it too soon to say that I'm going to give LOVE another try?

Everytime

Watched MYX and heard Aiza Seguerra play this with her band. She made a nice rendition of the song. I hope I could sing this someday with Attorney and friends...^_^

I'm afraid, I'm starting to feel
What I said I would not do
The last time really hurt me
I'm scared to fall in love

Afraid to love so fast
'Cause everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime

One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get so all confused
I'm scared to fall in love

Afraid to love so fast
'Cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time
My heart does begin to race everytime

I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
'Cause everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime

It's everytime
It's everytime

'Cause everytime your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
Could it be that this will be the one that lasts?

The fear does start to erase everytime
Oh could it be that this will be the one that lasts
For all my times, oh yeah, for all my times

This will probably be very quick...

We talked, August and I. And I just realized, it is the month of August that I am almost healed. And I felt at peace now, with him and even with myself.

I am living life the way I want to live it, and the way it should be. Although not at all devoid of worries but then I am left without any heartaches now.

I told him I liked somebody else now and he said what if...

I learned my lesson and I say "I'll cross that bridge when I get there!"

And so I fell out of love for August and I am admiring the character of another. They are both the extremes of each other. But who am I to tell, I am still beginning to know. Acting like a spy, taking note of every detail, taking in every information he reveals of himself, deciding whether he's worth another try. Yet I am still, not budging. I am going to enjoy this journey but I will try my very best not to lose myself in the process. I am blessed because I had loads of support to get back on my feet and pick up the shattered pieces. Tearful days are over and Vanelin is once again smiling, beaming, ecstatic, joyful and full of hope!

I wish you were here

So what in the world am I doing this up this late? I am supposedly making my objectives - yes we do this every year in Accenture - but unfortunately firefox doesn't work well with our website.

~lately I have been listening to Incubus again. I heard one of their songs from their Make Yourself album. Then I asked 2 of my friends if they knew how to play it. One heard it and the other one said he does. I am ecstatic! Told him I wish he'd show me so that I could play and he said he would...wohoo...

~lately I have been laughing a lot. Genuine guiltless laughter...and I am grateful.

~lately I have been reading romantic novels again. This one novel seems kinda familiar. Love the One you're with. Not that I have someone to love right now, nor am I with someone, it's just that the character's experiences(not all of them) I can relate to. The making-the-partner-your world kinda thing. It's scary. I hope I won't do it again.

~lately I have been going overtime, working till 10PM even on Mondays. Urggg...I know I am becoming this workaholic. It's just that I work better this way, with tons of work. I feel weak when I don't have anything to do besides read all those computer based trainings.

~and lately, it seems that I care less of what other people think. It's a good thing right? And even if I catch this guy staring at me I have a different view of it now. haha...

My eyes are sore and I want to go to the office early tomorrow. Toodles~!

And yes, everyday I wish he is there...^_^

E-L-A-T-E-D

What make me crazy happy these days? If you could only see me, I'm beaming, jumping up and down, welcoming every defect I can work on even it means staying till morning the following day, singing to myself, smiling while riding the jeepney to and from the office, feeling less hungry, craving for chocolates, urged to strum my guitar more than I should and of course sleep very well at night! Hahaha...I N S P I R A T I O N...

The SAP Cebu Black and White Anniversary Party '09 was a huge success. Everything fell quite well in their places and I wasn't at all that stressed even if I only had 3 hours sleep, not a single crankiness in my system. The stage decoration worked, although at first a lot of people were doubting the idea and yet it turned out to be beautiful. I was able to play the song "Love Story" correctly and danced Jai Ho without tripping on my heels. The food was yummy and no I didn't eat too much however I was able to keep my promise to myself that I would enjoy the rest of the programme and I did. And what's flattering is that I won an award - Best People - and a couple of days after found out from different unexpected people that they had LSS(Last Song Syndrome) on the song that I sang. They said I sang it with passion. The song was unfortunately "Love just ain't enough!". What ever it is that your thinking is not right for me. I was so inspired that night that I was so confident in singing the song and I was ecstatic! A special person inspired me and made me sing the way I sang it! No No No...It wasn't August...It was...nevermind! I'll take Louise's advice this time, keep it quiet. The less fuss I make over this, the better chances of fate to work its magic...hay!

And so I brought my guitar home so that I could practice on some songs since I already got my computer fixed! I also finished reading the book "Love Rosie" by Cecilia Ahern and its a must-read. And you should also try to listen to: A Fine Frenzy, Joanna and Taylor Swift while you're on it!

I thought Facebook's getting quite boring but then again I thought wrong...It gets quite interesting as days pass by.

I'm looking forward to another week of work and kilig moments! hehehe...shhh...keeping it quiet!

Toodles...

Disrupted Plans

To say that my week was such a whirlwind is such an understatement. Anyway this week I've learned to accept that plans, though how neatly they have been, are always bound to change either by circumstance or just by fate. I was supposed to be floating somewhere in Panglao Island by this moment yet I am here typing away infront of my computer, stuck at home watching Boys Over Flowers, reading Sophie Kinsella's "Can you keep a secret?" and giggling over both, doing the notecomposer for Minsan Kitang Iibigin, drafting my gameplan for the evidences we need for our ISMS action plans, making the invitation for our most awaited party come July! I know I have been to Bohol like a gazillion times but then this time its with different people and I'm supposed to have a blast with my cousin Alyssa! But then again, I'm also having a wonderful time at home and oh so loving the weather.

Anyway, so what happened?

Tuesday, around 11:45 AM to be exact, decided to go our HR to get my certificate of employment for my Sun application but since she was on early lunch - and here I thought it should strictly be around 12 noon - so I decided to visit the clinic. Let's go back a bit...Last May 29, my cousins arrived from Manila to spend time with us on our cruise to Pandanon Island. I stayed with them in the hotel to play Uno till the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. Fast forward to last week, as it turned out my cousin was positive of the AH1N1 virus. I told my one and only team mate Fretzy and she adviced me to visit the clinic to inquire as to how to get tested. And so I was sitting there, telling the nurse what happened she totally freaked on me. She then decided to send me to Chonghua Hospital to get tested. And here I was thinking it would just be a swab or two not realizing that I would be confined for 2-3 days or till the results arrived. Imagine a perfectly healthy person inside a private room in a hospital without any visitors allowed. Good thing I had a book and my Ipod with me to keep me sane. The cable TV wouldn't have helped much. And I was absolutely thrilled that my friends from the office kept on ringing my room to fill me in on the juicy details of what happened in the office while I was away. Finally on Thursday, the doctor took pity on me and told me I can go home -and not to tell anybody that she actually suggested it- and that I would just do a self quarantine as long as I wear a freakin mask even in the house. What a relief... I couldn't wait to get out of there. What's funny is on the day that I was about to be discharged for not being sick, a fruit basket with balloons arrived. It was from the company... I was totally embarrassed, mortified at that but grateful still! We gave apples to the nurses. hehehe...

So what have I been doing with the house arrest?

A whole lot of stuff that I was suppposed to be doing a long time ago. And I think I'll arrange my closet again. That should keep me busy.

I didn't realize that posting a seemingly normal status in FB could create quite a stir...hehehe...

Till then! Aurevior a bientot! Hasta Luego!

A return from sabbattical!

I know I was out for more than 2 weeks without prior notice. It's all because my monitor got busted. And I don't know I didn't feel the need to be online that much or that soon...

So what happened for the past 3 weeks or so???

• spent my birthday with 3 of my favorite people in the world, then dinner with dad and mom.
• had dinner with my college friends and new found girlfriends(girlfriends of my friends)
  
• went to Ormoc, Tacloban and Samar in 3 days.
• auditioned for The Cebu Chamber of Singers and got in as a trainee.
• went to Pandanon Island on a yacht.
• learned that I will be loaned to do pure ABAP work on a support project - scary but this is surprisingly what I wanted.

what will happen in a couple of weeks or months:

• will be rolled off. :(
• will be traveling to South Korea in August with Nicky.

The rest is yet to come...What's great is starting the month of May I haven't been shedding useless tears. And starting the month of May, my life has been picking up it's pace and I'm having a blast again!

Life is still beautiful!

Pieces...Of...Me

Yep!I'm slowly picking up the pieces. I'm almost back in my game when all of a sudden I broke down. With just one person, who doesn't even seem to have an idea what I'm going through or what I've been through, who has her own set of issues, seemed to have the power to stir up the bottled feelings inside me. My cheeks were firing up and my head was about to explode. I rushed to the ladies' room, shut the door and poured like the sky did on that day which was yesterday, a Wednesday! Wednesdays are supposed to be awesome by my standards. But yesterday was different. Ashamed, vulnerable, sad, angry and hurt! I thought I had enough bullshit that people are giving me the past couple of weeks. Shoving the truth in my face like I'm some kind of rock who has no feelings. So everyday, every morning I wake saying to myself that "TODAY IS DIFFERENT FROM YESTERDAY, IT WOULD BE BETTER" and yet, there in that place where I need to be, to earn a living, I am faced with nothing but chains, pulling me down. I tried not to care, don't give a damn about what they think or do or say but somehow, these gremlins find their way into my vulnerable spot and there they tear up again the scotch tape that I slowly put on my heart to hold it together. People. Mean people. People, who even ignored are making the purpose of their lives to make someone else's life a living hell! But then again, nothing matters anymore with whatever it is that's going to happen in that place. I am paid to be there. Up until I find a way to get out, I will practice the secret of coping: non-existence. And at the end of the day, all that matters is that I am breathing, my family is happy and God is still in my favor! So I'm glueing the pieces now. Mighty bond it if I must. Wrap it with aluminum foil and put it in a box and then mail it to God. I'm sure He's better at keeping it safe and unscathed. Until someone finds a way through me...I am currently without feelings!

Hasta Luego!

Everything is in its right place

Another day...I don't want to gloat. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to explain why I am angry, sad or depressed. I don't even want to stop smiling. Its crazy!

Motto for the day:

I don't know...I don't care! - by Freedom

I wish it were that easy to be genuinely happy for answered prayers. That is if your answered prayer is for you but no, it had to be perfect for somebody else. And you, you are left, with more questions. It's tiring.

Another heartache, days before my 25th. When will this ever end?

But I still long for HIM! For His presence, for His favor. And now, my prayer changed...

Let me be found!

Yes everything is in its right place. I didn't dream of August before we became friends because he was the ONE for me...I dreamed of August because God wants to awaken my sleeping soul. That was his only purpose in my life...And like any traveler, he moves on. And I travel a different path as well...Hoping, wishing, praying that I'd be found along the way!

And like everything else in this world...feelings are temporary, fleeting with the wind, written in a song, dried tears in pillows. This too shall pass. And it would probably take me a short or a long time to get past this but somehow I am positive that this does not create a permanent mark in my inner most hidden self.

So I thank YOU, whoever you are, for one more day.

I live, I love, I lost, I cry and I love some more!

Wounds That Heal

I am currently attending a counseling class sponsored by Cebu City Alliance Church. Nope its not a Roman Catholic church but a Christian church. Now how did I ever get to know CCAC? To make the long story short, I was invited by my officemates and August...I know, there's always a connection to him.

After all the devastating weeks I've been through, I thought I could never go back. I thought I would be able to drop everything, move on with my life without so much so as glance back with what I have so far accomplished in terms of my spiritual awakening and growth, with the new friends I've found. But then again, the better part of me reconsidered. I couldn't just turn my back on everything and everyone. They're not part of whatever it is that happened between me and August. They don't deserve to be treated that way...And neither am I...

And so I went back to my class, faced my fears head on and I felt better after wards...

I just want to share this poem with you. It was included in the hand outs our teacher: Pastor Ruel gave us and wonderfully, sincerely read by Ate Rhonda:

I was neurotic for years.
I was anxious and depressed and selfish.
And everyone kept telling me how
neurotic I was.

And I resented them,
and I agreed with them,
and I wanted to change,
but I just couldn't bring myself to change,
no matter how hard I tried.

What hurt the most was that my best friend,
also kept telling me how neurotic I was.
He too kept insisting that I change.

Then one day, he said to me, "Don't change.
Stay as you are. It really doesn't matter
whether you change or not. I LOVE YOU
just as you are, I cannot help loving you."


Those words sounded like music to my ears.
"Don't change. Don't change.
Don't change. ...I LOVE YOU."

And I relaxed. And I came alive.
And, oh wondrous marvel, I changed.

Now I know that I couldn't really
change until I found someone who
would love me whether I change
or not.

Amazing isn't it? It brought tears to my eyes and even though we were talking about wounds that night and it was after all a counseling class, I couldn't somehow still let my classmates see me crying and so thankful that I was wearing glasses, I sniffed and wiped them away.

Today I was there standing, listening to August sing the song "The Promise" by Martin Niviera. Its the second time I've heard him sing that. The first time, my heart leaped but the second, my heart died.

Still I believe that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow would even be much better...by God's grace it'll be!

Buenos Noches!

The Return of the Comeback

Just finished reading some of the forums in facebook...It was so much fun reminiscing the happy moments during my grade school days. And I also saw some of our old classmates and school mates - Rachel Anne Navarro, Hannah Candace Sumalinog, Yapi, Ramon Fernandez III, Emmon Pacres, Albien Jake Albina, Antoi and Claire Bulotano. We met up at starbucks in Ayala and sorta jump started the planning of our reunion.

The reunion is just the icing on the cake...Seeing these guys after 12 years is such a happy moment for me. One of the best moments of my life were spent in grade school. And I just realized that some of these people have become such worthwhile friends. Such a blessing...

And its so timely. Because I'm starting over...

I'm planning of going to a lenten recollection. I just feel I'm spiritually deprived. This is still part of my starting over and drastic change...to what extent? I still have no idea... This is hopefully for the better. Better stronger ME...

Love all, trust a few, hurt no one.

Never say...

Never say never coz you never know...

--broken hearted but I'm picking up the pieces one day at a time...
--got tons of support from real friends...I can see every effort of making me feel better and I am grateful believe me...I am thousand times over...
--trying to learn another language again: Spanish...French is too hard without anybody to practice with.
--kinda looking forward to the USC-SGS batch '97 pre-reunion meeting...
--had tons of fun with Cathy and Louise last Friday...
--so happy that my friends are happy and in love...
--reformatted my Workstation once again...
--got a new haircut.

What can I say...my life is full of drama...but it wouldn't be worth writing about if it weren't!


*more blogs to come since I've already replaced my broken keyboard...about time right?and no more guy to keep me away from home!*

Next Stop: CDO

I'm pretty excited with our CDO-Camiguin Trip next week. Finally a break from work. Although its not like I'm too swamped. Its still the start of the year. But with the new project and all, joining the team in the middle of UAT and catching up with learning all the processes, I'm still alive and kicking. I miss multi-tasking. I was born doing it. I can't keep still if I have nothing to do or having to do something that requires less use of my brain. Speaking of brain...I'm finding reasons why I should hold on to this thing that I have with August. My head is battling with my heart and honestly at the end of the day, its this that makes me tired and weary, not work... Definitely not work...It's people.
This travelling happens every February, I noticed. Because last year we went to Boracay on the 15th...And now, finally I'm setting foot in Mindanao.
And I finally got a facebook account. My old pal Johny Vanvoorden from Belguim talked me into getting one. I know very international. hahaha...
Till then, hope to give you more updates and more thoughts or thought provoking questions...
toodles...