Have this lump in my throat...

I can't trust anyone anymore!

My friends are getting narrower...

Till there's just me...

And my shadow!

Another day to look forward to?

Well a thought came to me lately that I think I am crazy...Well who wouldn't tell that to themselves wherein almost everybody has his or her dilemma to face...But believe me if you could only venture my mind you'd understand why I say something like that to myself...

Oh well, so much for my follies...

I'm listening to A Perfect Circle right now, their music is kinda twisted but on the good side...I don't know, its like it makes you relax...the guitars are great and the vocals is splendid...The first time I heard it at my friend's house I liked it right away...I think I'm becoming peculiar when it comes to choosing my music...

What's for lunch?
butter croissant...is that the right spelling?hehehe

I finally watched THE NOTEBOOK yesterday with my mom...and well my soft side took over and I cried...But I'm glad I cried..Why did I cry? Well because of the realization that there is really that someone who is destined for us...And that maybe my prince charming is from another planet...but then I thought why would I look?When I search I end up finding and then getting hurt which means I really hadn't found that prince charming yet.A guy told me that the person whom you truly love would never become yours...I hope its not true coz if that is the case then marriage is bullshit right?I mean, how could you marry someone you don't love?Could you even stand to sleep(literally speaking) with that person? But why do I choose to love in the first place?Why did I allow myself to gamble my heart instead of using my head and cut the crap of wishful thinking?BECAUSE IM JUST SO FULL OF HOPE! And what do I get from all of this? I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN...I kinda lost it when I was so blinded by the thought that *Tooot* likes me...But then he doesn't and man did that suck...Then Maia's words kept on whispering to me: "ITS NOT YOUR LOSS"...those powerful words of Ms. Donsen kept me alive...

Oh well, life for Vanessa must go on because maybe I wasn't placed on earth to love him...I was made to love somebody else...

Watch the movie with an open mind and heart, you'll like it...

And hey, Meet the Fockers is now showing...Wanna watch it with me?

God bless to all!mwaah...

SO AM I OKAY?

Well for now I am since I got most of my exam in ComE 423 lecture...it was like revenge of the nerds thing...hehehe...

Everything seems okay, I'm such a good pretender...

To JOhn:

please don't put me in the same situation you placed me this afternoon while we were having our Sosci class...to answer your query, yes my HT was there...he's with me all the time...gets?

anyway, I'm done watching MY LITTLE BRIDE and its another korean hit...highly recommended by moia!

condemn me all you want
im just being human
feeling the pain
and pretending that
it would not affect me
but then i do cry
when i am alone
with my maker
so condemn me all you want
i don't give a damn
im just human
who made a huge mistake
of falling inlove
~plum~

What is independence?Could I have it for my self?Could I live my life without having to depend on anyone else but me?Would it be a sign of loneliness?HOw do I feel right now?IM VERY NUMB!I know I feel something Im just not sure what it is...And you know what I don't really care what anyone has to think!I don't want to talk about what happened but I want this emotions to get out before I become such a cynical,pessimistic person. Do I have the right to blame THEM/HER/HIM for what Im going through right now?And the funny thing is they seem to think of how I feel but in reality it wouldn't matter!Am I a love poacher?As what the psychologist in our Social Science class discussed...HUMAN LOVE POACHING is the new trend nowadays...what the hell is that?it is when a person bolts into a relationship...and either steals the boy or the girl...I wouldn't steal anything...or anyone!im not a theif nor a BITCH!I wish I was so that I wouldn't feel this way!it is better to be normally bad than try hard not to be!what am I saying?if you're confused with all this shit that I'm writing then so am I!And somehow I've come to hate the song Fallin'!I used to like it but it kinda plays everytime I'm with him riding in her car!what a scene!couldn't have been so perfect!I don't usually swear but just give me this chance to just say anything!I hope writing is therapeutic!That after today I would once again go back to my same ol bubbly self!My world is crashing down on me but it seems that I'm carrying it on my shoulders and not letting it fall down completely!I need coffee, beer, vodka what ever!Will I get through this?I don't know!And like john I want to graduate and fly off to Portland and forget every single person I was attached to in college!Just forget that they exist that I existed with them!and that they used to mean the whole world to me!now spoof!NOTHINGNESS!

Everyday's the same I feel them merge
I try to separate, resist the urge
But they tell me I'll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won't play
And there's no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

Keep my head on straight and don't look down
With all I've pushed away, I'm losing ground
But they tell me I'll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won't play
And there's no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

And from the sidelines
Watch me fall down

And I don't understand the things I do
But I'll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I'll try to write it down
So things just keep improving
Still the words won't play
Cause there's no easy way to say
GOODBYE, GOODBYE

IM a new person as the new year starts...and thus just expect the unexpected...my old self died along with my heart...gudbye...

hi everyone, i know its kinda late and i still have a 730 class tomorrow with our oh so irritating english teacher...but anyway the past week was well kinda windy on my part...i think im battling sort of like mixed emotions. more like fear of losing someone...here goes my paranoia again...imagine, i thought that u-know-who is drifting away from me...and whats worst is that i kinda thought that my close friend lace was one of the factors of me losing him...like i ever had him...but anyway, talked to lace already and told her about what i thought and she said it was absurd!of course it is...i kinda regret that doubting part coz she has been my constant companion, guide, confidante call it what ever you want!she has been with me through thick and thin...and she knows me inside and out! i apologized and i do hope she understood me...my computer seems to be having its moods too...i had formatted this one 3 times already within the past 2 weeks...i guess it just needs to let me practice my compe skills...i have a long quiz in my OS tomorrow and i havnt finished reading the book and the slides...and right this very moment im installing yahoo messenger...i hope this works...didnt realize it took me this long to install it...by the way my old friend Ma. Karla "kai" Bautista got into the magic 5 of Ms.World 2004 held at China...im so proud of her...finally, to all those who read my crazy thoughts, i just want you to know that there's always a reason for everything...

and so in one of the friendster bulletin he wrote:

the only thing that defines love is just the reason
why you're still breathing here on earth, because
of the love of many, from the moment you where
born, untill this day,I tell you, love is always with
you, yeah yeah call it crap or anything, dont be like
those wise and lonely people, because whatever
you do, this things are really true...and i know you
know these, you're just walking blind... If you are
looking for love, would you recognize it if you
found it... wake up fool, you're mind is poisoned
by your own pride. you're so bookish, you easily
beleive in things that you feel its right just
because these people are the ones who stand up
what they beleive, are the things you stand for are
really the things you really do beleive, I tell you,
not even one of them can really explain the word
love, because love aint a word it aint in the book,
it can't be written, it would take mans entire life to
let him understand what love truly is... say I'm
wrong, I dont care, but someday you'll know, when
tears fall down, say you'll never cry, you're lying,
when that happens,when its tears of joy or sorrow
even the most f***ing miserable thing would
come, you'll say "Its that all you got!!!"


why am I sure he wrote this?coz i don't know actually...i just have this gut feeling just by reading through that he wrote this..so you see, its really hard for me to read his mind...kinda strange how it works!

it was a crazy day...its one of those days wherein i tell myself that there are a whole lot of things i should be grateful for. it was weird coz it seemed that my mind is not functioning that well...i couldn't even be critical for our sosci 6 lecture...i really have no idea why.but anyway i got through my day without shedding a tear. that's hopeful isnt it?

sometimes i would ask myself why i have to like him so much...

forgive me for babbling about him again...i know this topic is boring you but then honestly speaking, his scent is the only thing that crosses my mind right this very moment...

have to sleep but im still waiting for my downloaded files to finish downloading...

good night and God bless!

went to school today and well just hang out for a while...nothing much to do there since we still don't have classes...you know how engineering students are...

nothing much to do here at home except be on the net...browsing through the archives of ultimate-guitar.com looking for tabs to practice on...

i kept having these awful headaches lately... i think i needed to get my eyes checked again...or i might have brain tumor or something...

na just kidding...

took this quiz in gurl.com and here's my result:

Your dominant element is wood. The ancient Yin-Yang scholars saw wood types as true nature lovers--could you happily do without a TV? Wood people are generally very driven, eager to be the best at whatever they do. They just need to remember not to get too frustrated if things don't turn out exactly as planned...
The nature of wood is embodied in a tree. Wood encourages a tendency to aim high while at the same time keeping your feet firmly on the ground. Trees grow patiently. The element of wood helps us to plan things in a logical and practical way. Trees often try to outgrow each other to get the best light and to develop the strongest roots. The wood element therefore encourages a competitive attitude.

Natural environments inspire the positive qualities of wood. But the high buildings of a city can also stabilize the connection between the sky and the ground.

A windy climate is best for wood as it helps blow old leaves off the twigs and branches and stimulates new growth. The color that is associated with wood is green.

Wood types enjoy sour treats.

NOTE: Wood types tend to be either tall like trees or short like bushes. They often have strong eyebrows or a prominent jawline.

im really not sure if all of these are true...bsta these are my results...

by the way, check out vanessa carltons video, she's a wonderful dancer...

someday im gonna learn ballet...

but for now, im gonna recall our past dances to get into shape. me, leslie and glynnee are planning to go on a jogging date every saturday morning...hope it works...

till here lang sa kay im kinda tired and sleepy...nap time baby...

tc and God bless!

peace out!

And so my eventually fruitful sembreak ended with a peaceful staying at home...nah, i didn't become a huge coach potato...i went about doing most of my household chores.the only thing that made me a bit crazy is that i have to spend most of my time all alone at home. the dvd's are running a little low so i have no more movies to watch. im reading "Bourne Supremacy" but that don't work too much coz there are parts of the book that seems oh so boring...but then off to my last resort, my beloved GUITAR. I learned lots of songs with the help of tabs. I even recorded it on tape with recorder my aunt sent me.

I have to make a crucial decision before the class starts and I really have no idea how to go about making it. It all depends on how I feel and well what my mind tells me also coz I don't want to believe in lies anymore. Even if those lies suffice my craving for attention and would probably satisfy my all time fantasies. But then who needs to be reminded that the world is CRUEL and that it is possible that fate does exist and *** is just not part of my destiny. Well he probably is but then not the prince charming type. YOu know what I mean...However, in my utmost dismay with myself, with all the things I've realized over the time I spent being lonesome here at home, I still feel strongly for the guy... But then I have succeeded self control coz I didn't contact him the past 3 days. That would be a start right? I mean people who knows my story would say I should stay away. maybe I should, just for a little while. And that means I have to open myself up to other people and get my very own life, a life without him in it. I could not begin to imagine it. Damn, I think I've fallen deep...Catch me, somebody!

The pics of our weekend vacation are now available at bastina13v.blogspot.com! just try to refresh the page if the pics don't show up.Okay?

tc and God bless...

You Are Boy Shorts! You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top. You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard. Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable. And you've got a spunky, fiesty side that comes out after a while! What Kind of Panties Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are Vanilla Ice Cream! What Flavor Ice Cream Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

while waiting for this thing to load i took some quizzes...anyway its like one more day to go and hello beach...im coming home...hehehe...well not really coz its not my hometown...anyway, you know what's weird maybe i really do need to go coz lots of signs occurred days before like when I watched 50 first dates, which by the way is a pretty good movie one should see, the setting was in HAWAII...sand, sun and beach...still don't get it? well here's another, I downloaded a skin which is that of Blue Crush...still sand, sun and beach...anyway, Im supposed to be taking a bath right now coz im going to my grandmom's house to get somethings done...well to get the digi cam that is...hehehe...then im going to my pedicurist and get my pedicure...my toes are, nevermind...well im out of things to type...gotta go...

c ya next week...

"life is short, have some fun"

here i am all alone, no one to talk to...

SEMBREAK: DILEMMA OR VACATION???

I don't know about you but i think im having fun with my sembreak...finally I could get some sleep and sleep in a decent bed at that! not to mention stay at home the whole day and I could finally clean the house and do whatever it is I like to do...
Anyway just went to Ayala and i was kinda thinking of walking around all by myself and enjoy the feeling of being alone in a mall but then I saw leslie...and of course if leslie is around, then rhod couldn't be that far...the two are totally unseparable. as what i told leslie in one of my emails, i am happy for her but then i also fear the unevitable lonely moments..but then i figured, manuel, ben and glynnee are still around so I won't have to spend my free time all by myself...back to the issue at hand: SEMBREAK! We're planning on going back to Daan Bantayan for leslie's birthday...Im kinda excited coz, you know how much I love the BEACH! not to mention the company of people who shares my enthusiasm in life...i just hope my parents would let me go...

Had a long talk with Doyle last night and I realized I kinda miss our conversations...again he shed some light into my desolate mind...he told me not to expect anything from anyone to avoid getting hurt...that is oh so true...but then again, I wish it were that easy...NOT EXPECTING...the problem is, i always end up DAYDREAMING of those wonderful possible moments that would liven up my life...how could i not expect?arrg...

i think i have complained enough...till next time...

weak

my hands are sweaty
but they are cold
the blood in me is rising
as I tried to unfold
the things i wanted you to know
the words i kept hearing my heart say
that you make me weak
every single day
those indecent stares
burns my skin like fire
and that smile
fills me up like honey
in a jar
should i submit to your liking?
id say i will
could i endure this feeling
of loving you still...

~plum~

took some quizzes and here are my results...

Your Power Color Is Blue Relationships and feelngs are the most important things to you.You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.

You Are Summer! OutgoingFriendlyFlirtyCuteFun

You Are Ashlee Simpson! Stylish, unique, talentedYou're your own woman!"It seems like I can finally rest my head on something realI like the way that feels" Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

the semester is almost over and im still on the verge of holding my breath coz i still have pending NC's on my subjects...anyway visited one of the blogspots and came upon an article about selfishness...what he wrote made sense and well even if i know that you already know most of the stuff written there but it won't hurt if you take a peek at it...just click on the fullmetalartist at my links...

this has been one hell of a sem and the only thing i could say is that i have learned a lot, experienced most of it and am well established lots of wonderful, worth keeping relationships with a couple of classmates.

i'd love to blog some more coz i have tons of things to tell but then i still have to study for my logic defense and my final exam in comE 411...

amidst the squall that paved its way into my peaceful domain
i remained firm
i choose to be faithful
because knowing that you will be by my side
takes the fear away
~plum~

I stared for a moment into the open field of silence, and pondered on the footprints that left my journey undaunted and then I realized that all those time that my world would seem to come crashing down, would seem to fall apart, a portrait of your existence lights up the very road i walk upon. Your presence illumines my sky which was once darkened by the apathy towards one's frustrations. You might ask, why do I hate myself? it is because no matter how unreachable that star is, I still stand on my toes and stretch my hand out, hoping and praying that my maker might grant my grandest wish: TO KEEP YOU! But you are merely passing by. A not so distant memory of my euphoric days. You will someday leave my circle and travel on to a different dimension. You will one day forget that I existed, you might even erase my name from your memory and I will be nothing but a speck of dust on your photo album. So I cherish every moment of tranquility when I am with you, in those frequent conversations. The day might leave us dissatisfied of what we have achieved but we are still happy people. As long as we are still bounded by the very wall we are leaning towards, I will keep you close. Closer to my heart. I will make the most of what we are, what I am to you and the time that I am blessed with.~plum~011004

My days are getting more crazy as i live on...I don't know, it seems as if I had my last drop but them here I am still moving on...

I told Exun that I wanted to stop liking/loving him...He asked me the most crucial question: Are you sure you could do it? It got me thinking, could I? Its hard for me because we are together 24/7! and whats worst is everybody kept on thinking that we're already a couple which is far from the truth...ahh... dilemma's in life....I'm listening to urbandub right now and well the music just makes me miss him...we're like brothers and sisters...I guess our sort-of-relationship is just upto that point...should I settle for that?what do you think?

anyway, its my lola's birthday today...my other grandmom, Lola Elsa, my Lola Edith's older sister...and we're having dinner at Lumpia House... My aunts wanted me to sing...I still don't know what song...

I was supposed to go to Glynnee's house coz there's a fiesta at Pardo, but then family first...
I wish I was there...

anyway, don't get too excited coz again I'll be taking a leave of absence since I've got 3 pending projects to make...

peace out...

mwaah!

my life all of a sudden became such a rollercoaster of sort of flirting...I don't actually flirt with the guys in question...its just that somehow I became close to them and the physical contact became such a normal thing for us...anyway, this left me even more confused with how I feel...

Canence is correct on the matter of getting over the certain guy!its just that almost everybody thinks I should distance myself...i wish its that easy...i do that in a heartbeat...the problem is my heart doesn't seem to comply with my decisions...

this is gonna end here kay nag ym mi...

bye...

Good Morning to all...

I was supposed to go to the bank to get a check cashed but then my mom told me she'd be the one to do it...yepee...Midterms is almost over. Still go 3 exams next week or the week after that.
Weird coz last week I almost give up on everything because my body was so exhausted and Im so emotionally drained.

Anyway someone used my chikka account and well sent some "i love u" messages to those people in my account! I don't have a single idea who did it... Some sick weirdo perhaps who's got nothing to do with his life which might be a total wreck right now that he wanted to ruin other people's life! I took my java programming exam totally disturbed of what happened. Might as well forget about it and do some damage control!

I really love to dance but last night a huge dilemma caught me by surprise! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STRUT! It was like the most difficult routine I encountered! But as always I took it as a challenge coz hahaha...don't know I just feel like I can do anything as long as I put my heart and my mind into it.

I'm still playing this game of pretendings. Its like Im trapped in this! Gosh! It would sometimes seem that I was born to have a very lonely life...love life that is!
He sits beside me but his mind flies somewhere else...to that girl he used to know...he longs for her as much as I long for him...So I just looked at him knowing that I could have him as my company but I could never have his love or care or his attention for that matter...he is everything I wanted and more but I think God has a purpose for me...something much more than what I wanted...but for now I must detach myself from him...could that be possible?...they say nothing's impossible in this world...but why does it seem very hard for to let him go...yes he is my friend but Im tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me if he talks to me about ****...the bottom line is I AM HUMAN! Im not some robot who has no emotion whatsoever! so here I am, same ol' me, so I choose to hurt in silence and be grateful for what he could share to me...his DIVIDED attention... I know Im getting caught deeper into this and that I might get in trouble...but still I pray to God...I do not pray that he'd love me or that he'd choose me over ****(as if Im included in his choices!)but instead I pray that he'd be happy with her, that he would not be hurting, that she would inspire him to do more with his life...That's the least I could do aside from being around when he needs some company...How I wish I sat in another row 2 semesters ago...that we didn't talk and that we didn't get along...how I wish I didn't like music so much, that I had different interests...at least totally different than his...that I live somewhere else, near the school perhaps so that we didn't share those ride home and then get the chance to talk more...I wish we didn't have common friends...I wish all these things didn't happen...I might not be hurting right now...

But as what the great philosophers say: EVERYTHING HAS ITS PURPOSE!

and so I must accept my fate and live on with my life trusting in what the Lord has in store for me...

Take care....

You are always gonna be my love
Even if your affection may wander to another
You will always be inside my heart
I hope that I have a place in your heart too

Could this be the last straw of mine?Could I still endure this?Actually Im the only person to blame because I could not seem to let him go... I don't know why...I feel so strangled and well kinda betrayed but as what Benny said, I could not blame him...

I read something today in his phone and well even if it really crushed my heart out, I still smiled and teased...yeah right as if! God, IM SUCH A PRETENDER! To you who's asking, well here's my answer...

WE don't exist...there's never us in the first place...its just a result of misconception...

I still don't know how I could avoid him or should I?

If I do, would it mean breaking a strong bond of friendship?

Or are we even friends?

What a way of inspiring my midterm exams!

TSAI: Channel your energy for the greater Glory!

java_files
glynnee