Good Morning to all...

I was supposed to go to the bank to get a check cashed but then my mom told me she'd be the one to do it...yepee...Midterms is almost over. Still go 3 exams next week or the week after that.
Weird coz last week I almost give up on everything because my body was so exhausted and Im so emotionally drained.

Anyway someone used my chikka account and well sent some "i love u" messages to those people in my account! I don't have a single idea who did it... Some sick weirdo perhaps who's got nothing to do with his life which might be a total wreck right now that he wanted to ruin other people's life! I took my java programming exam totally disturbed of what happened. Might as well forget about it and do some damage control!

I really love to dance but last night a huge dilemma caught me by surprise! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STRUT! It was like the most difficult routine I encountered! But as always I took it as a challenge coz hahaha...don't know I just feel like I can do anything as long as I put my heart and my mind into it.

I'm still playing this game of pretendings. Its like Im trapped in this! Gosh! It would sometimes seem that I was born to have a very lonely life...love life that is!
He sits beside me but his mind flies somewhere else...to that girl he used to know...he longs for her as much as I long for him...So I just looked at him knowing that I could have him as my company but I could never have his love or care or his attention for that matter...he is everything I wanted and more but I think God has a purpose for me...something much more than what I wanted...but for now I must detach myself from him...could that be possible?...they say nothing's impossible in this world...but why does it seem very hard for to let him go...yes he is my friend but Im tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me if he talks to me about ****...the bottom line is I AM HUMAN! Im not some robot who has no emotion whatsoever! so here I am, same ol' me, so I choose to hurt in silence and be grateful for what he could share to me...his DIVIDED attention... I know Im getting caught deeper into this and that I might get in trouble...but still I pray to God...I do not pray that he'd love me or that he'd choose me over ****(as if Im included in his choices!)but instead I pray that he'd be happy with her, that he would not be hurting, that she would inspire him to do more with his life...That's the least I could do aside from being around when he needs some company...How I wish I sat in another row 2 semesters ago...that we didn't talk and that we didn't get along...how I wish I didn't like music so much, that I had different interests...at least totally different than his...that I live somewhere else, near the school perhaps so that we didn't share those ride home and then get the chance to talk more...I wish we didn't have common friends...I wish all these things didn't happen...I might not be hurting right now...

But as what the great philosophers say: EVERYTHING HAS ITS PURPOSE!

and so I must accept my fate and live on with my life trusting in what the Lord has in store for me...

Take care....

You are always gonna be my love
Even if your affection may wander to another
You will always be inside my heart
I hope that I have a place in your heart too

Could this be the last straw of mine?Could I still endure this?Actually Im the only person to blame because I could not seem to let him go... I don't know why...I feel so strangled and well kinda betrayed but as what Benny said, I could not blame him...

I read something today in his phone and well even if it really crushed my heart out, I still smiled and teased...yeah right as if! God, IM SUCH A PRETENDER! To you who's asking, well here's my answer...

WE don't exist...there's never us in the first place...its just a result of misconception...

I still don't know how I could avoid him or should I?

If I do, would it mean breaking a strong bond of friendship?

Or are we even friends?

What a way of inspiring my midterm exams!

TSAI: Channel your energy for the greater Glory!

java_files
glynnee

Happy 20th Birthday to Gizelle Faye "Paypims" Sembrano!!!

I know it took me forever to blog again!its just that Im kinda preoccupied with a whole lot of school work and dance practice...

A lot of things happened... All I can say is that I have had my fair share of ups and downs that I think I'm on the verge of being emotionless...I don't know, the past events made me a stronger person!

As for my inspiration, well good thing is he still does inspire me...but as always I shrug the idea of him courting me out of my mind coz I know it will never happen...maybe not this time...

Just finished typing our report on our ComE 414L and after a very tiring practice, Im still alive and kicking...had a very scary afternoon. I was cornered by such unexpected people.I just don't understand why I can't seem to lie about my feelings. I just sat there, smiled like hell and let the aliens eat me alive...anyway, in spite of bruises and sores all over, Im still glad I got in the Engr. Pop jazz...its like somehow, my dreams are slowly coming to reality...except for like a bit of...you know na...well we can't always get what we want...

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This is what maia was talking about!This is our lesson in ethics...At first I thought that Buddhism is a considerable religion...not that I have any plans changing religion but I mean the teachings are reasonable enough to poke you right in the head...just read through and reflect!


The first part of the Eightfold Noble Path is RIGHT VIEW or RIGHT UNDERSTANDING. This means knowing the Four Noble Truths.
The First Noble Truth is the knowledge that ALL that has been CREATED is IMPERMANENT. And whatever is impermanent is inherently ILL. And what is impermanent and ill is SELFLESS.
Two is the knowledge that the arising of ill is based on ignorance and it is perpetuated by the craving and intoxication for sensuality and sensations, becoming and rebecoming, delusion and ignorance.
Three is the knowledge that the CEASING of this ill that has arisen, the stopping of all future becomings, is Nirvana. True Reality realized, freed of this ill.
Four is the knowledge of the Eightfold Noble Path that leads to the cessation of this ill and to winning the goal: Nirvana. True Permanent State of Self, Permanent Changeless Absolute Reality ITSELF, Suchness, Perfect Wisdom.
The second part is RIGHT THINKING or RIGHT AIM. This means to aspire to attain realization of Perfect Wisdom, the Ultimate True Permanent Reality. To abstain from all evil acts of thought. To attain the total destruction of all cravings. To renounce all manifesting, all constructions, all that is "created" make-believe.
To develop dispassion, total detachment, absolute renunciation, self-surrender. To bring about the cessation of all "created" realities. To Self-Realize the Incomparable Awakening of Self. To win the freedom of Mind, the freedom through Perfect Intuitive Wisdom, the sane and immune emancipation of Will.
The third part is RIGHT SPEECH. To abstain from all lying speech, all perjurious speech, all evil abusive speech and all frivolous speech. To engage in speech and discussion that pertains to and leads to Nirvana, to what’s actually PERMANENT and REAL.
The fourth part is RIGHT ACTION. To abstain from all killing of all creatures. To abstain from all stealing. To abstain from all sensual and sexual misconduct. To abstain from all evil acts. To abstain from all forms of intoxication.
The fifth part is RIGHT LIVING. To abstain from all evil ways of living; to abstain from all evil methods of livelihood.
The sixth part is RIGHT EFFORT. To destroy all EVIL STATES OF MIND that have already arisen; to keep NEW evil states of mind FROM arising; to maintain and grow GOOD STATES OF MIND that have already arisen; and to make grow NEW good states of mind that have not yet arisen, such as loving kindness for ALL Beings, compassion and pity for ALL creatures, sympathetic joy and equanimity.
The seventh part is RIGHT MINDFULNESS. To contemplate as impermanent, ill and Selfless: Body, Feelings, Perception, Mind, Consciousness, Thought, Mental States, Mental Objects and Mental Activity. To grow revulsion for the world, seeing it for the decaying creation that it is, and to grow dispassion, total detachment, calm, tranquility, seeing that everything is not Self. To disregard all that is perceived, remaining aloof from both the pleasures as well as the pains arising from the creation of senses and sensuality.
The eighth part is RIGHT CONCENTRATION. Aloof from the world, aloof from evil states, aloof from all sensations from the senses, dwelling in solitude, seclusion, ardent, diligent, Self-resolute, develop one-pointedness of Mind through intense meditation and reflection.
To enter in, AND THEN TRANSCEND, eight higher states of consciousness that lead to increasing Intuitive Wisdom, Insight and Direct Super-Knowledge, and to destroying the addictions and cravings, and to realizing True Reality, effectively piercing the shell of ignorance and delusion. As one attains the higher states of Mind, Consciousness, the true nature of how things really are can be seen clearly, both intuitively and with supreme effort, by direct Super-Knowledge. True Reality unfolding, Self-Enlightenment of Self by Self.


So anyway, I'm having second thoughts on the pop jazz...Don't get me wrong, I really like to dance but then just realized that it would really require much of my time...Have to make lots of sacrifices... but then again, I still want to practice. It don't only make me loose weight but it also inspires me, in a way...hehehe...SECRET NA NA!Because of....nevermind...

I grew tired of waiting
it always makes me confused
who am I really?
to you I mean...
how long should we go on like this?
pretending nothing's happened
or yet happening...
others could see
but why can't you?
Are you that blind?
I know you're not stupid
but sometimes you are...
not that I'm blaming you
its just that...
my heart has had enough!
~plum~

Here I am again, blogging after a very long ang tiring day. My only consolation is that I get to see and hang-out with "you-know-who" and well of course my ka berks...
My everyday dilemma includes 25 units of mixed major and minor subjects and a whole lot of love problems...Well not all are mine. I think just a few but then again, why would I make our relationship a problem? If anyone should ask, I'd still say we're friends but with a little twist...Most of the time that he's with me, we talk ALOT! We never ran out of stories to tell. He'd like, poke me on the shoulder if I fell silent or pinch me then we then begin our very much awaited conversations. I like it very much when I joke around and he hugs me, well sorta like that, or puts his arm around me. It makes me feel secured!But then again, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS! I therefore conclude that he doesnt have a clue that I LIKE HIM A LOT! Of course I like him, why would I hang-out with a guy like him if I didn't enjoy every single minute of it.Right?And so in spite of my plan which is to avoid him, we end up being together all the time. But I never grow tired of being with him, laughing at his jokes, listening to his crazy and wild stories and ideas even if sometimes I just nod my head even if I didn't quite relate to it, eating out, walking home or just sitting next to him in silence. How could I ever find someone like him? For me, he's all I ever wanted in a guy and he's the one thing I could not have. D I L E M M A...What a harsh world!

I'm looking forward of going to school on Monday...

God bless!

Im still wearing my uniform as Im typing this at home. Just came home from school and well Im not that tired so I punched in some thoughts. I missed blogging everyday. So far Im still not that "busy". Anyway, Im expecting a whole lot of improvement with regards to my activities this semester. First VOT's back in action. As you have noticed in you admission slips, the admin had collected a 20 peso allotment for VOT. Finally someone placed some sense into them. Next, finally my mother allowed me to at least try out for the engineering pop jaZz...hope I could get in coz I really wanna dance before I solely focus on being a computer engineer.We won't be able to join the mobot contest on the 26th but there's still a chance come October. My classes are all fine and interesting. And I'm looking forward to my Ethics class...
As for the love of my life...KUNO! We're still the same, FRIENDS! and good thing is I had confirmed that he still doesn't have a single clue about what I truly feel for him...Im just relieved that he'd still confide on me to whatever is on his mind most especially about the girl he likes.

LM: I feel bored hanging out with you coz it seems that you have your own world!

I guess, Les that's what makes our friendship extra special...

Hey its me again...just finished eating dinner and I was supposed to finish reading the book Maje lent me. but I figured, what the heck I'll go online for just 30 minutes just to check on things...anyway I'm still feeling sobber...not on booze but on something else...IBELIEVEINATHINGCALLEDLOVE...love that song...I know I'm weird and that makes me, me...my eccentricity...if anyone has a problem with that then I'm glad to have buggled up your mind...

Once again my words are lost. I kept having these odd dreams but I'm not sure if Im in the position to interpret them. As always they seem real coz it involves people who I see everyday. I wonder if other people have the same experience...I miss my Philo class. For me that was like the only sensible part of my education...

by the way, got hooked on these two games: Shrek 2 and Nosferatu...they're both entertaining on different levels...my bro is currently playing nosferatu...to those game addicts, maybe you have tried them, maybe you haven't!Just check it out...

till next time...

what confuses me the most is the way you handled knowing how I truly feel about you...sometimes it would seem that you wanted to stay away, sometimes it would seem that your stickin' around...which ever way, I'm still a thousand time grateful for the company...~~plum~~

I'm searching for some pdf files for the datasheets for some ic's and its taking so long...anyway, I have to make this brief again since my bro's gonna use the pc to check his friendster...

it would sometimes seem back to normal except for the times when he thinks of going to *A****...the only thing that bothers me is that even if everybody else teases him but when it comes to me teasing him its like he changes the topic or shrugs it off...maybe he knows that I like him too much that even if I would seem happy teasing him, deep inside it would hurt like hell...maybe he doesn't want to hurt me.Or maybe he is just not comfortable if I'd be the one to open the topic...too many maybe's...
What if he'll all of a sudden enters this site and read my blogs...would know its all about him?nah as always he'd be clueless and well then ask me who I'm talkin about and of course I'd then lie...

good night ***...

okay so this is the second post. the first one was gone...and i kinda poured my heart on that one.
I guess its just not meant to be posted...

anyway, I'll make this short for the moment...

I have to let go of my fantasies because somehow it hinders me to grow.
I have to allow myself to meet other people and explore the huge world of the male species.
I have to stop being sorry for myself.
I have to stop depending on my friends for decisions.
I have to keep to myself what ever it is I'm feeling because I always end up being in trouble.
I have to make use of what ever I have right now.
I have to be a little more selfish, a little less sensitive.

can I do this?

i don't really know!

its just that im so tired of being myself. my friend (Doyle) always tells me to act upon
how I feel and speak as to how I think. but I always ended up keeping it to myself because
of the fear that I might hurt someone in the process...

message to my HT:

A silent cry
before I depart
into the real world of pain...

I AM HERE...

Okay so I've been gone for quite a long time...its like the end of April already but then here I am, once again born and revived...well I got busy with summer school...yeah right as if I'm that much of a student...actually, our Philo class is interesting and I had to read two books, The Alchemist and Tuesday's with Morrie...both are books about life...can't elaborate on that right now coz Im in a hurry...I'm supposed to go back to USC main for my swimming lessons... three years of lessons and I still can't finish a lap...I guess I lack the endurance in submerging myself under water....anyhow, met this interesting guy...hehehe...and yep he is a swimmer, he used to be in the varsity but then he already graduated...but don't get me wrong, Im still into ***!I'm just enjoying our friendship...and well honestly Im kinda lying low on this stuff...my friends are so into the idea of teasing and here he is going crazy over one of our classmates in PHilo...am I jealous?of course I am and man could this fact hurt...but i know hurting wouldn't get me anywhere so I'll just let it be...I am happy for him coz finally he could prove that he's not ....what others percieve him to be...and he already found the girl of his dreams...yeah right...as if!well, I guess friendship means more to me than my feelings for him...whatever this is im feeling, i hope it would all go away someday...its disturbing...and as what our teacher in Philo discussed this morning about Camus' philosophy that life is full of absurdities, well damn what im experiencing now is one good example...till next time...gotta go...

Got this from Kim's website and I thought I'd get some thoughts out of my mind...for your comments or violent reactions, u know what to do...thanks kim...

"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of the saddest thoughts."- this is oh so true coz everytime I write poetry which would then become my next composition, I'm kinda depressed not to mention close to tears...some of us are just inspired or motivated to make music if we are in deep sorrow...
"From an angel's wings, to a falling star, God made everything, but an unbreakable heart." -but there was such thing as an unbreakable heart, we wouldn't be able to learn and love again...we would be like old people who die having to remember every pain a person brought to them.It would be like feeling nothing...
"Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be just an illusion."
-this would surely stink really bad if it would just pop out one day and when it would seem that you're relationship is going great when all along, one of you is just pretending...

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I'm here at my aunt's house trying to amuse myself with all the movies I could get hold of. My cousins are away for the week...They went to Dumagete to visit their grandma...And Ace and Toby went out with their parents to I don't know where...Ping is out of town to Argao with our neighbors, JD and Ewing...hmmp...my brother is at home...So I'm all alone with nothing to do...I'm trying to give testimonials to my friends...anyway, I had a dream about my ex, Kane last night...can't remember most of it, but even though the events were vivid, he's face was really clear...what does that mean?dreaming of your ex?hehehe...

you kissed me when I'm bittersweet
and wipe away the tears I weep
fore in the shadows I think of you
hoping this loving feeling is true...does this make sense?I thought about it last night and well kinda thought to make this into a song...its short I know but it still isn't finished yet...

miss you guys na...you know who you are...

I feel so bad...I mean not that I did anything wrong but then I just am depressed I guess...Im almost finished with the book Im reading... Well anyway, everybody's sleeping here at my aunt's house in Basak and I think I have to get some sleep coz I have to wake up early tomorrow...

pay I need to talk to you...you can reach me at tsai's house...talk to you tomorrow afternoon..better yet, I'll call you nalang...okay?

I miss ****toot****....hehehe...

in all the days that I have lived
It had never occurred to me how much
i have wasted my time
on things without purpose
now that i have grown
i pray that wisdom might permit me
to live a life for someone else
and to let others see
the love that God gave me
~plum~

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just a little something to take your boredom off...

its a cool, cool summer...

hi everyone...i haven't blogged in a while coz im pretty busy with family stuff...my aunt Linda thus my second name arrived from Portland last saturday and we have been going to my lola's house everyday and like go home at midnight...i still can't sleep there coz all the rooms are taken...my cousins are also living there so we're kinda full.anyway, got some of my grades already and Thank God i passed most of them...im sure i don't have any failures this semester. and we're gonna enrol for summer class this saturday. i wasn't able to find a summer job.but that's okay i guess coz i still have 2 students for guitar lessons.
oh by the way, we hanged out at ipay's crib last Tuesday and Soek, our dear president cooked us lunch. mind you the food was sumptuous...i kinda lost my track of loosing 10 lbs this summer coz the food was really yummy...up to know i still can't believe what a great cook he is...Thanks Soek...and then we did the karaoke all afternoon.and it kinda dawned me that i'd surely miss these times...
yesterday was my cousin's graduation...CONGRATS TO KRISLIE VALENCIA LABAY...finally you're already a nurse...we've got a nurse in our family...we had dinner, mostly family were there...as you know we've got a very huge family...anyway i was really surprised with myself because when i watched my cousin go up the stage and receive her diploma, i felt like crying... i don't know why i get so emotional. its weird.but im really happy for her and of course for her boyfriend jojo...they're both nurses...
finally, have to admit i miss my ht...hehehe...God bless..

im confused of whether i should change my template or not...im trying to set up ym with my cousin claudette in san jose but this thing is taking so long...anyway, we still don't have our grades in ee...Engr. Calis had to do something with the grades, the secretary said, she'd lower down the passing percentage...i think because, many of us failed...i sure hope that we'd all pass...nothing much to do here at home except watch more movies...play my guitar...practicing no doubt's base which is really fast...i think and im pretty sure i still want to be in a band...the other day i finally saw the movie FREAKY FRIDAY and i was well inspired again to set up a band...problem is, since we're already in college, it hard to find people who'll commit to this kind of stuff...arrgg...i wanted to do this like ages ago...i guess i focused more on my dancing...and besides im not that much of a guitar player...but one thing im proud of doing is playing at the same time singing...mind you its really hard...especially if you'll do the lead...well im a very ambitious person...too many dreams too soon...hehehe...i miss my classmates, hanging out at the canteen, chipping in for the sake of chippy..., laughing till my jaws hurts, singing,studying at ipay's place, dancing at ipay's place with tonet and manuel, watching movie at ipay's place...don't you notice we're always hanging out at ipay's house?its like this:first home, of course our home, 2nd home:usc-tc, third home:the sembrano residence...hehehe...anyway, have to go coz i think my hair is already dry and im planning to take a nap...till then...love you guys and miss you all...

in everything i do
i think of you
so don't ever think
that i'll forget
summer is hear
but don't you fear
coz your on mind
till evening clear...

just another crazy thing that's getting on my mind...

here i am again...all alone in the house...nothing much to do except sulk and remenisce...well at least i finished doing the laundry and guess what, i started painting...don't know what got into my mind, i just snatched my brother's brushes and started painting...well anyway, still have like 6 waking hours to do what ever it is i wanna do...by the way, check out the euphoria pics leslie posted(finally) on our batch's site...compe06pics.tripod.com!it made me miss my friends even more...tomorrow's gonna be verdict day for our EE subject...im not that confident with whether i passed or failed...its really hard to tell...
on my insanely controversial lovelife...
i've decided to lie low a bit...i know i shouldn't expect anything from anybody so that i wouldn't end up getting hurt(again!).trust is a big factor for me...i do trust my ht with how i feel, its just that, like any other guy, he's super insensitive, unconsciously irritating and in spite of all that weirdness, i still love him for what he is...as a friend i mean...i think im also not ready to go into that kind of stuff yet..imagine, i have an inner child of 6 years old...who would want a girlfriend that immature?...and i still have to settle my issues like getting jealous easily and my possessiveness(in terms of people that is).and i think he's still afraid on getting hurt also...i think we better leave things as they are and well only time can tell what would happen next.if it was bound to happen then no matter what the circumstances are, it will just happen in a snap of a finger...
pray for those who are failing...that we may pass all our subjects and be 4th year compe studs officially...

the night stole away my tears
it gave me strength to face my fears
the wind blew the pain away
and held on tight till the hurting fade
i came so near
to letting go
it took a great stir
for me to know
how much life could still be
such a surprise for me
nothing could let me fall
and make me feel small
fore there's always the moon and the stars
to guide my path
even in the road of the dark...

~plum~
21/03/04
11:39 p.m.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MS.CHRISTINE SUDARIO...GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS...

The semester had officially ended yesterday...kinda strange how empty I felt after our exam in Walton's class...may be that's because I flanked again...but then even if I failed that test, I still passed the subject...I could have done better but unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to study...Well who studied? most of the people are busy with the Logic project and the ECE lab reports...anyway, got tons of plans lined up for the summer...crazy ideas...

i thought no one cared to know how i felt...
but then it seems that a school of fishes do
they tend to swim around the idea
of me falling inlove with you
they say its that obvious
but why can't you see
that I'm absolutely falling completely
i wish there was a way
to keep you for me
that the idea wouldn't scare you away
if the fishes start to tease...
don't swim away oh please
2 more centuries to go
and we'd once again depart
to another ocean of dreams
leaving the waves behind
i wonder what I'd do
after the squall had gone
where would i be
without you here with me???

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